"Mom, let me tell you a secret"

Secret telling is something we have learned about recently in our home. Typical secrets from Henry are "you're a booger" "you're obnoxious" and so on...normally the things I have said to him in the last hour or so. He laughs hysterically every time he tells you a "secret" and I giggle at the sheer innocence of it all.

Today after I picked him up from his first day of school we were walking down the stairs of the church with Tiffany and her daughter and Henry says "Mom let me tell you a secret" I kind of rolled my eyes because he knew what new phrase or thing he was going to say to me. Then he said it. The secret that I am not allowed to tell anyone ever because this is a secret that is so super top secret that if anyone found out it would ruin everything. (I was told that later in the car)

So shhh.... I am going to let you in on a secret that Henry told me today. I am a super hero. It is true. I heard it from my 4 year old today. He has told me this secret a few other times but mostly when he really wants something. But today, today the secret came out of nowhere. Right there in the stairwell "mom, you're my superhero"

As moms we usually think of ourselves as much less than a super hero. We fail constantly. Just yesterday I said it was a beautiful day because I didn't throw my 4 year old in the trash. I consistently forget to bring diapers places, I am learning that I am a bit scattered at times and don't always have drinks and snacks available at any given moment, I don't keep my house really clean, I shower most days, I scream at my kids when I am feeling inadequate. Most days I feel like it is an accomplishment if we actually put on clothes and got out the door.

But today, today my 4 year old let me know that the truth is, I am doing this mom thing okay. There is a video that shows the point of view of the day from the mom and then the child. The mom is frazzled, frustrated and a mess. The kid tells her dad how magical of a day it was. It is amazing what the point of view of a child can do for your soul.

As we got in the car today, Henry reminded me again that I am a super hero. He told me to not tell anyone because super heroes can't tell people who they are. He told me that I am the best super hero mom in the world and then sang me a song. "My mom is a super hero. My mom is a super hero. My mom is a super super hero. Yep, that's my mom"

To all the mamas out there, just remember that when life feels overwhelming and out of control you are likely the highlight and super hero to the little ones that make you feel this way. Slow down a bit. Take time to breathe and remember that you are all super heroes.

Just don't tell Henry I told you :-)

           

Embracing vulnerability

Every semester at Grace we are given the opportunity to lead "life groups" these are small covenant groups within the church where we study something that brings us closer to God and closer together as a community of God's people.

I was set. I knew what I was doing. I have had a lot of interest in the original family in Genesis and found a great study. I knew that was what I was going to do.

Last week.... "Ali, do you want to lead a life group on 'The Shack'" was asked to me by both two co-workers. I told them nope. I am good. I have my group, I have ordered the books and I am excited about it. They both were hoping someone would take it on since the author of the book will be coming to Grace in October. I didn't want to. I didn't want to lead a group on death and healing and where is God in all of that. How incredibly vulnerable.

That night I had a dream about my dad. Of course I did. He told me to be brave. He told me to embrace what is hard for me. I woke up and knew I was going to change my life group. I was going to lead a group on "The Shack"

As the study is getting closer and the publication promoting it goes out this week, I am feeling anxious. I am feeling vulnerable, I am feeling grief. I talk about my grief all the time. I talk about my emotions and where I am at in my healing process but to actually lead a group on this topic terrifies me.

I know that the best kind of teacher is one that has experience but what if I am not good enough? What if I don't have the right things to say? What if? What if? What if?

Being vulnerable is something I have learned is key to ministry. It is key to forming relationships with people and it is key to having connections with people that are meaningful and help you in your life story.

I look forward to leading this group. I am quite terrified but I do know that it will help me in my own healing process, that it will help others and it will help me to embrace my own pain so that I can open myself to something bigger than I. To a higher power that heals me, that brings light in the dark and that brings my own pain out in the open so that I can help others heal from theirs.

Embracing my pain and the vulnerability that comes with talking about it is gives me strength. I can only can only hope that this group may do that for others. I am not sure what to expect, I don't know if anyone will even sign up. But I do know that every Wednesday for 6 weeks I will be open to the possibility of continued healing, of leading others on their own healing journey and talking about where God is in the midst of our darkest and deepest pain.

God bless this beautiful life I have been given and the opportunities I have to be vulnerable even when it terrifies me.

Raise Hell

I am sitting in my kitchen listening to music while Tannie toddles around and Henry is downstairs doing who knows what. Tannie loves music and when it comes on she starts to bounce her knees and swing her arms. Brandi Carlile "Raise Hell" just came on and she started bouncing. I laughed and thought "I am raising a little Ali"

I was taught from a very  young age to not keep my mouth shut. To speak up for myself and to never allow anyone to make me feel small, especially men. I learned this not only from my parents but the women in my family; my Nani and my Aunt Becky are very strong women and I am grateful that I had their influence growing up.

Tuesday I was in the office and Tiffany and Kyle weren't sure what they were going to preach on. I looked at the lectionary and said "It's Jesus walks on water. Preach on fear, God is with you, you know the easy stuff"

My mind immediately flashed to licensing school and the day I was told to be quiet and made to feel as though I was as big as my 1 year old daughter. An Pastor in the church came to talk to us about preaching and the flow of worship. At one point I asked what he does when there is a natural disaster or something big happens in the world- does he change his sermon? Does he preach on it? He said no. That he would mention it in prayer and moved on. I sat on that and wasn't happy with his answer so I asked again "You mean you don't bring it up in your sermon? I am confused since the Methodist church was founded on fighting for social justice and speaking up against things that are not okay" We went back and forth for awhile and he finally said "I am not talking about social justice right now, we are moving on" At that moment I knew I was a woman and I felt as though I was the smallest person in the room. Tears filled my eyes. Matt was sitting next to me and he nudged me under the table and said "It's okay, you're okay"

But I wasn't okay. I was furious. I got up and went outside. I wasn't quiet about it. I was angry. How dare this man make me feel this way. When we got back inside I was asked my a few other people if I was okay and given hugs and told that they agreed with me. We had to write evaluations and mine was not very friendly. But that really isn't the point.

Later in the day a female Elder in the church came to talk to us about prayer. We did a reflective exercise on the scripture where Jesus walks on water. We listened three times and each time we were told to write down what we heard. I wrote with my eyes closed and when I opened them in giant letters I had written

BE BRAVE. YOU ARE NOT TO BE SILENCED. GOD IS WITH YOU.

That is what the scripture said to me. Something I have been told my whole life. Something I knew. Something no one can take from me- my voice, my bravery and my relationship with God.

That scripture now has a very different meaning to me and I would assume I will use this story in future sermons but for today I am writing it as I listen to the song "Raise Hell" and watching my 1 year daughter dance. I will teach her all these things and hope that someday when someone makes her feel the way I did in that moment she uses her voice and doesn't allow that to happen.

It is amazing what God can bring to your life. How God can speak to you when you don't even know you need it. That moment in that room made me feel complete and like me again. Renewed my spirit and drive to be a Pastor. I know I am going to encounter situations like this my whole life, that is the world we live in and every time I do I will close my eyes and picture Jesus walking on water, reaching his hand out to me and saying "Be brave. You are not to be silenced. God is with you and Raise Hell"

"I am gonna raise hell

There's a story no one tells

You gotta raise hell

Go on and ring that bell"

Untitled- just read. :-)

This is Tannie on our walk this morning. I am sure most of you would look at this picture and think how cute she looks- she's too cool for this walk. Arm out, cruising along. But not me. The entire walk I stared at her foot. That foot. That food that is so close to dragging on the ground. That foot that can reach the wheel. That foot that could get severely injured from hanging out of the car. For the first 20 min I kept putting it back and telling her no. She would glance up at me, and kick it back out. I finally gave up. Truth is her foot can't reach the ground or the wheel but in my mind it could and her life would change in a second if her little foot got broken or fell off. Yep, that is where my mom brain goes.

I follow three different blogs. This week one person blogged about living in the messiness of her life and in the present. Another wrote about being terrified to hit publish on her first blog post but overcoming that fear. The other wrote about not knowing what is happening behind closed doors, not knowing what is going on in the lives of others.

All three seemed to have a common theme. Letting go of fear, living in the messiness of life and never assuming everyone around you is "ok".

Most of us live in constant fear. Fear for our world, fear for our own country, fear for our community, fear for our neighbors and fear for ourselves. I wonder where that constant fear comes from? We are trained to be scared. We are conditioned to not trust anyone around us and to assume the worst is going to happen in life. But what if, what if we could change that? Just one person at a time? What if we could believe that living in the messiness, taking the leap and opening our lives to those around us could help us to eliminate the fear in our own lives? Wouldn't that be liberating? Wouldn't that be freeing?

After my dad died, I embraced this idea of living in the present, trying to be brave, letting go of fear (as much as I can) and reminding myself that I am not alone, that those around me are hurting but if we are in this together we can provide love, support and grace to each other. It is amazing what a community can do for one another- what a group of women sitting in my living room on this past Sunday evening can do for my soul. When you choose to do life with other people it somehow allows you to get through the messiness, to let go of your fears and to embrace all those around you- to not shut people out and allow others to find comfort and peace with you.

My family has adopted a phrase "It is what it is". It means something different to all of us. The day we buried my dad, they headstone of the person behind his grave site was so massive they couldn't hide it. On the headstone it reads "it is what it is". We all laughed because of the irony of those words and will constantly look at each other and say "Good old, Chad McCurdy 'it is what it is'".

Life is what it is. There is little you can control. Things are going to happen. Kids are going to break their legs, people are going to get sick, loss is inevitable and pain is something you can't run away from.

But if you allow yourself to be present in the messiness, to embrace your fears and to lean on those around you it is possible to get to the other side of it. To come out of fear, pain and loss with the knowledge that you are not alone, you are loved and someone out there cares about you.

Blessings to all those hurting today, to all those living in pain and to all those in the world looking for someone to live this life with. You are not alone, you are worthy and you are loved.