Christmas has always been magical for my family. Ever since I was a child my Nani would start sending letters in June asking if we knew when Christmas was and that we better be at her house December 24th for Christmas. Christmas was spent eating a huge curry dinner, singing carols (sometimes even caroling although that was mostly my Dad and Paige singing while the rest of us stood there because we are tone deaf), opening our Christmas pajamas, Nani reading us the Night Before Christmas and us kids being tucked in under the stairs to await Christmas morning. When morning came we would run to the top of the stairs and start singing carols as loud as we could until our parents woke up and told us we could come up. Christmas was about family coming together and celebrating the birth of Christ with one another. Nothing could tear that a part and it was often said that anyone who joined our family better like our Christmas or they wouldn't be allowed in.
Dec. 8th 2007 changed our family forever. I was in my apartment when my mom called. She screamed, literally screamed "Skyler's dead". I fell against my book shelf and began shaking. I was supposed to meet my friends, Sunny and Brandon, for dinner. I called Lacy and asked her to let Sunny know I wouldn't be there because my cousin had died. I got in my car and picked up my sister to head to our parent's house. It was sleeting outside and we were terrified to drive but knew we had to be with family. I remember my dad driving us to Lawrence. I remember getting to Becky and Jeff's and it was just silent. No one was talking. No one knew what to do. Our world and our family had forever been changed.
The next few days were a whirlwind. Brittany had to learn of the death of her brother from the Chaplain at her college, an encounter that will always haunt her. We had to stand by and watch Brittany, Becky and Jeff pretend to be "ok". We went to a visitation, a funeral and a candlelight vigil. We did all this because it was expected and what you were supposed to do. We had Christmas. We had a "normal" Christmas. It was awful. We tried to act like we were okay, like our world hadn't just been shattered. We tried to act like Christmas was going to make things better, we were fools.
The death of my cousin changed us all and forever changed the dynamic of the magical day that we had all loved as children. We went 6 years attempting to celebrate Christmas the way we always had as children. We slept under the stairs, or in the hotel that Nani and Nana got for us. We sang songs at the top of the stairs, Nani read the Christmas story, we had our curry dinner and spent the day as a family. But it was never the same. Christmas was now filled with grief and no matter how hard we tried it was always there.
In 2014 we celebrated Christmas with another family member missing, my dad. He died the Feb. prior and the thought of celebrating Christmas with another person from the family missing created so much anxiety in all of us. That year we rented a huge bed and breakfast. Maybe just maybe if we changed venues no one would know that people were missing... wrong. We knew. The next year Paige and I rocked the family when we asked to split. We both had children and husbands. We both wanted our kids to experience the Christmas of our childhood and at their Nani's. It was a disaster.
Here we are 9 years later. 9 years after our family changed about to celebrate another Christmas. Only this year we are really changing things. For the first time, my Aunt and Uncle are choosing to attempt to enjoy their Christmas. They are going to the ocean, where they find happiness and peace. My family will be at my mom's new house, where we will begin new family traditions with our family and offer hope to our children that the magic of Christmas is still there.
The Christmas of my childhood brought so much joy to my life. I will cherish those memories as I attempt to pass them on to my own children. Loss and grief can change a family forever. It hangs over the days that are supposed to be the happiest and causes an emptiness that is impossible to fill. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to pretend things are the same like we did for all those years. You have to embrace what life throws at you, even when it is the unimaginable. You have to find a way to hold your grief as a part of you. A part of who you are. It is isn't something to run away from because when you do that things will blow up in your face.
Christmas is a time to remember that Jesus was born to save a dark and broken world. Jesus was born to comfort the grieving, offer hope in the darkest of moments and to be present in our lives even when we feel the loneliest.
This Christmas, I hope to offer hope and light to those around me. I hope to show my children that even when things are different and people are gone, we can still be a family and embrace one another for who they are and what they bring to this world.
To my sweet Skyler and loving dad; we miss you. We wish you here were with us this Christmas and all the days after. We wish you were here to see our babies growing and watch as we all find our places in this world. We know you see all of it and that you are in a far better place than we can ever imagine but know this- this Christmas we choose to be happy. This Christmas we choose to embrace our grief and not allow it to hold us back. This Christmas we will continue the traditions that you so loved and go to the places that truly bring us peace and joy. We love you both and miss you more than you can know.
