Growing up and in my early adult years,
I always struggled with feeling as though I didn't quite belong. I wanted
people to like me, I wanted to feel included, I wanted the affirmations that I
was enough.
Many of us go through that in our
lives. We care what people think about us more than we care about ourselves. We
care about making others happy instead of making ourselves happy.
I don't know exactly when I realized
this was no way to live but at some point in the past 5 years, since my dad
passed and I went into ministry I realized that I had to love myself a little
bit more.
By loving myself, I no longer cared and
worried about making others happy and ensuring that I "belonged"
In recent months, I have become even
more aware of this.
Two months ago, I quit taking anxiety
medication that I had taken since my dad passed and it is as though something
inside of me woke up
A fire inside of me that was missing
for so long and wanted to come out and it certainly has.
I not only have to come to the
conclusion that in order for me to truly care for others, I must love myself
but also that if people do not care for me or to be around me.... this is hard
for me to say... That's OK and I no longer feel a need to let it control my
life in ways that it had before
I have felt the most free I have ever
felt and I also have felt the most fire inside of me that I have ever
felt
Say something or do something to one of
my kids- yeah, I will no longer hold my tongue and watch it happen
Treat me poorly- yep, going to say
something
Treat OTHERS poorly for just being
them.. you guessed it I am going to say something
This fire inside of me is not one I
want to go out. It is one that is giving me the permission I have always
struggled to give myself to stand up to people and say that you can't treat
people in a certain way. To say something when someone is being flat out rude
and to not allow people to talk down to me for being a woman or younger than
them and most of all to not make me feel as though I am less of a mom than
them... Oh and don't mess with my kids because this mama bear will come out and
she is fierce, strong and filled with fire
We all want to feel that connection and
that we belong
Most of us will live our lives trying
to please others so that we can be in the cool group and most of us will try so
hard it will be at the detriment of ourselves and our own happiness.
Perhaps instead of trying to belong,
instead of trying to make others happy that aren't trying to do the same for
you...
Perhaps we stop that
We stop and look at ourselves and tell
ourselves every single morning "I Belong".
I belong
I belong to myself
I belong to my own happiness
I belong to my own worth
I belong to my own value
I belong to the Kingdom of God that is
so overwhelming beautiful and filled with abundance, love and grace and I
belong to that Kingdom and that cool group before I even believe
God named us good
God told us that God wants us to live a
life of abundance
God called us beloved
That is the group I want to belong to
know and know with my whole heart I do. The group that stands up for one
another, the group that doesn't try to please everyone, the group that is
simply present in the fact that we are all just living our lives doing the very
best we can
Because in the end we will all be one
together, with God and for God and the other stuff will no longer matter.
Find that fire inside of you that
forces you to believe all of this and know that when you are struggling;
You belong
You matter
You are enough
You are worthy
You are beloved
-Pastor Ali
- and one more thing. I truly believe in the power of medication and know that for a time in my life it saved me. I hope if you read this and are one medications for anxiety or depression that you know I am not suggesting you get off of those. Absolutely not. They are life saving for many of us and I am grateful that I know they will be there for me if I find myself needing them again.
