My sister in law, Kristin, has been reading a children's Bible with her son, Will. Kristin shares with me all of the questions Will has and it amazes me how their young minds work. This morning she said Will had the following questions: Why did God make us? Why does God love us? Why is God, God? These questions are so timely.
I woke up at 230am to feed Tannie and immediately went to my phone to see who won the election. My heart sank. Our country is broken, hurt and searching for ways to fix itself. The decision made was to look at the person that spews hatred, fear and divisiveness. Not the person that brings unity, love and hope. Why? Why when faced with hardships do we attempt to fix things from a place of fear? Why don't we look to God for hope and light? These questions are spinning in my mind and I don't know the answers nor will I probably ever know.
Yet, I keep thinking about Will's questions. Why did God make us? Why does God love us and why is God, God?
Throughout the Old Testament, God attempts to tell his people the way to live. God gives them chance after chance yet they continue to operate from a place of fear and get it wrong. It is not until Jesus comes to spread his radical love that God's people finally see that hope, light and love are the way to live an abundant life filled with hope.
God created us to take care of this world and each other. God created us to spread love and light to those in need. God created us to help people that have less than us, to fight for justice and to spread the Good News of Jesus by simply being kind, compassionate and loving people.
God loves us b/c God's love is infinite. It never stops. Even when we get it wrong. God created us in God's image, as God's people. Being created in the image of God is being created as God's children. God is guiding us, loving us and showing us how to get it right and even when we mess up continues to love us. Much like the love of a parent. We can't give up on each other just because we are scared and broken. We have to come together, figure this out and continue to spread the love of God shown to us through Jesus Christ.
God is God b/c God is God. That is a hard one, young Will. God is the Creator of all. God is in you, God is walking with you every day. God is hope. God is light. God is the feeling of comfort when you are sad, God is what will keep you loved and how you know you are safe even in a world that is broken and hurting.
Our responsibility now is to our children. We have to show them that even in a broken world, there is hope and light. We have to show our daughters that they are valued. We have to show them that despite the fear, hatred and violence they are loved and children of God. They have to know that they are beloved and they have to know that we love them just as God does.
Will- your questions are filled with hope. Your value in this world is infinite. You are strong, you are worthy and you were made as a child of God. May you always ask questions and know that as a child of God you were wonderfully and fearfully made. Bless you sweet boy and bless this broken world.
May we find hope and light in the children that look up to us for answers.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Letting Go of Perfection
Tannie was baptized today. I have been planning this day for over a month. I made sure everyone had it on their calendar, I planned lunch and bought all the food, I talked with Henry about being a part of it, I prayed and reflected about what today was supposed to mean for Tannie and our family and I knew it was going to be just as beautiful as Henry's... I am sure you know where this is going. In case you aren't quite sure here is the after photo...
Today was less than perfect. Henry ran around the church during the baptism making it impossible for me to focus on my sweet baby, family that said they were going to attend and come over for lunch after didn't, the pasta salad I made tasted like glue and had to be thrown out and the only way I could get my child to obey was to continue to threaten the removal of his new batman toy.
After lunch I broke down. I cried. What a disappointment of a day it had turned out to be. All of this planning only to feel let down, frustrated and worn out. Henry's baptism was beautiful. I was able to focus all of my attention on him, all of my family came and ate lunch in celebration with us and Henry was perfection. Dealing with the disappointment of possibly letting my baby down, feeling disappointed by others and not feeling the sacredness of the day is exhausting.
But then something happened. Tannie woke up from her nap. I went in to rock her and she smiled at me. She smiled and every time I kissed her cheek she smiled again. This little baby I was holding in my arms had no idea that today wasn't perfect. She had no idea that I felt overwhelmed, stressed and disappointed. All she knows is that she is loved and today I got to be present while our church family welcomed her, embraced her and let her know that she is a beloved child of God and will always have a safe place within in her church family.
As I sit down to write, I am reminded that perfection is not what a baptism is about. Baptism is about renewal. Renewing our faith in God so that we may show our children God's love through ours. Baptism is about letting go of perfection, embracing the messiness of life and knowing that even when things get hard and are spinning out of control God is present with us, walking with us, holding us and in my case likely laughing at my 3 year old.
I also am restored in my faith knowing that God never disappoints, that God embraces my imperfections and surrounds me with love. This is what I can teach my children. I can show them that through God life is manageable, even when it seems impossible. This is a hard way to live. I don't get it right most days but every once in awhile something happens to remind me of this and today it was my sweet daughter's smile.
Bless you dear baby girl. You are a beloved child of God and bring your family so much joy. May you always know how loved you are.
Even by your crazy big brother!
Today was less than perfect. Henry ran around the church during the baptism making it impossible for me to focus on my sweet baby, family that said they were going to attend and come over for lunch after didn't, the pasta salad I made tasted like glue and had to be thrown out and the only way I could get my child to obey was to continue to threaten the removal of his new batman toy.
After lunch I broke down. I cried. What a disappointment of a day it had turned out to be. All of this planning only to feel let down, frustrated and worn out. Henry's baptism was beautiful. I was able to focus all of my attention on him, all of my family came and ate lunch in celebration with us and Henry was perfection. Dealing with the disappointment of possibly letting my baby down, feeling disappointed by others and not feeling the sacredness of the day is exhausting.
But then something happened. Tannie woke up from her nap. I went in to rock her and she smiled at me. She smiled and every time I kissed her cheek she smiled again. This little baby I was holding in my arms had no idea that today wasn't perfect. She had no idea that I felt overwhelmed, stressed and disappointed. All she knows is that she is loved and today I got to be present while our church family welcomed her, embraced her and let her know that she is a beloved child of God and will always have a safe place within in her church family.
As I sit down to write, I am reminded that perfection is not what a baptism is about. Baptism is about renewal. Renewing our faith in God so that we may show our children God's love through ours. Baptism is about letting go of perfection, embracing the messiness of life and knowing that even when things get hard and are spinning out of control God is present with us, walking with us, holding us and in my case likely laughing at my 3 year old.
I also am restored in my faith knowing that God never disappoints, that God embraces my imperfections and surrounds me with love. This is what I can teach my children. I can show them that through God life is manageable, even when it seems impossible. This is a hard way to live. I don't get it right most days but every once in awhile something happens to remind me of this and today it was my sweet daughter's smile.
Bless you dear baby girl. You are a beloved child of God and bring your family so much joy. May you always know how loved you are.
Even by your crazy big brother!
Family picture redo... Henry only had to be told Batman was mine 6 times bore the smile finally happened!
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Love, grace, mercy and acceptance. That is what my Bible says.
My Nana called me this morning and told me to read Matthew 19:12. I opened my Bible and read the following passage
My Nana and I have talked several times this week. He is a retired United Methodist Minister and wanted me to let him know as I heard of things happening at the United Methodist Church General Conference. The United Methodist Church is a global church that follows a book of discipline. Every 4 years delegates, bishops and lay people from all around the world meet to discuss what is happening in the church and to make proposals to change the current book of discipline. This year the "hot topic" is inclusion. The Book of Discipline clearly states that an openly gay person cannot be ordained in the UMC and that an Ordained Minister cannot marry a gay couple in the church.
The United Methodist church has been debating this issue for years much like the debates to end the segregation of the church and to allow women to be ordained. The UMC is known for being progressive, for being the leader in inclusion and standing up for equality and the rights of people. John Wesley started the Methodist Church based on this. He did not approve of the way that the church ignored child labor laws, healthcare and many other things. Our own founder believed in justice for all and started a movement based on this.
Where did we go wrong? At what point did the church decide that inclusion, equality, grace and love were for some and not others? I am not sure I know the answer to this but I do know that this is not the way Jesus taught us to treat each other, this is not the way in which John Wesley wanted his movement to go and this is not the way in which the majority of United Methodist believe.
As someone going into the ministry this is one of biggest struggles. My love for the UMC is out of my love and passion for fighting for social justice, their views on grace and the way in which the church responds to those in need. This is MY church. This church models the way in which Jesus preaches throughout the entire Gospel; love, grace, mercy and acceptance for all. I continue to stay in this church because I believe in it. I believe that God is calling me to stand up for what is right, to voice my opinions about inclusion and to continue to spread the Good News that Jesus brings.
Matthew 19:12. After talking with my Nana, I have read the passage over and over again. I have read commentary on various sites, looked through my study Bible and can understand the value in this passage. "Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they are born this way..."
The Bible is open to interpretation by each person that reads it, that's the point. There are times that it is not clear exactly what is being said but this passage, these words are clear to me. We are all born the way that we are, created in the image of God, created to love one another, to accept one another and to live as God's people. So why do we choose to allow this to apply to some people and not others? Out of fear? Out of shame? Out of judgment? Yes. Yes to all of those.
By allowing God to work through me, I have learned that fear, shame and judgment only hold you back. That accepting everyone for who they are is the way that Jesus taught. That allowing others to shame each other will get us nowhere and standing up for each other and the rights of the oppressed by showing them grace, mercy and love will open your heart to more possibilities than you know.
I don't know what is going to happen in the church. I don't know if the book of discipline will stay the same, if equality and inclusion will finally be adopted or if the church will not be able to reconcile it's differences and split. Nobody knows.
What I do know is that God will continue to work through each of us. To show us the way through the teaching of Christ and to allow us to open our hearts to one another without judgment or fear. I believe in the good of The United Methodist Church and I believe that the right thing will be done it is simply a matter of waiting, praying and not losing hope.
"Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and other have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept his should accept it"
My Nana and I have talked several times this week. He is a retired United Methodist Minister and wanted me to let him know as I heard of things happening at the United Methodist Church General Conference. The United Methodist Church is a global church that follows a book of discipline. Every 4 years delegates, bishops and lay people from all around the world meet to discuss what is happening in the church and to make proposals to change the current book of discipline. This year the "hot topic" is inclusion. The Book of Discipline clearly states that an openly gay person cannot be ordained in the UMC and that an Ordained Minister cannot marry a gay couple in the church.
The United Methodist church has been debating this issue for years much like the debates to end the segregation of the church and to allow women to be ordained. The UMC is known for being progressive, for being the leader in inclusion and standing up for equality and the rights of people. John Wesley started the Methodist Church based on this. He did not approve of the way that the church ignored child labor laws, healthcare and many other things. Our own founder believed in justice for all and started a movement based on this.
Where did we go wrong? At what point did the church decide that inclusion, equality, grace and love were for some and not others? I am not sure I know the answer to this but I do know that this is not the way Jesus taught us to treat each other, this is not the way in which John Wesley wanted his movement to go and this is not the way in which the majority of United Methodist believe.
As someone going into the ministry this is one of biggest struggles. My love for the UMC is out of my love and passion for fighting for social justice, their views on grace and the way in which the church responds to those in need. This is MY church. This church models the way in which Jesus preaches throughout the entire Gospel; love, grace, mercy and acceptance for all. I continue to stay in this church because I believe in it. I believe that God is calling me to stand up for what is right, to voice my opinions about inclusion and to continue to spread the Good News that Jesus brings.
Matthew 19:12. After talking with my Nana, I have read the passage over and over again. I have read commentary on various sites, looked through my study Bible and can understand the value in this passage. "Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they are born this way..."
The Bible is open to interpretation by each person that reads it, that's the point. There are times that it is not clear exactly what is being said but this passage, these words are clear to me. We are all born the way that we are, created in the image of God, created to love one another, to accept one another and to live as God's people. So why do we choose to allow this to apply to some people and not others? Out of fear? Out of shame? Out of judgment? Yes. Yes to all of those.
By allowing God to work through me, I have learned that fear, shame and judgment only hold you back. That accepting everyone for who they are is the way that Jesus taught. That allowing others to shame each other will get us nowhere and standing up for each other and the rights of the oppressed by showing them grace, mercy and love will open your heart to more possibilities than you know.
I don't know what is going to happen in the church. I don't know if the book of discipline will stay the same, if equality and inclusion will finally be adopted or if the church will not be able to reconcile it's differences and split. Nobody knows.
What I do know is that God will continue to work through each of us. To show us the way through the teaching of Christ and to allow us to open our hearts to one another without judgment or fear. I believe in the good of The United Methodist Church and I believe that the right thing will be done it is simply a matter of waiting, praying and not losing hope.
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Are we living in "The Handmaid's Tale"?
I graduated from K-State in 2007 with a dual degree in Women Studies and Sociology. The majority of my college career was focused on Sociology and learning more about the criminal justice system with a passion for working with juvenile delinquent girls. My junior year of school I took my first Women Studies course. I had always believed in equal rights for women but did not realize my passion for this until that class.
Women Studies opened my eyes to the on-going oppression of women not only in our own country but all over the world. I learned more about intimate partner violence and the different tactics used to control women into submission and fear. I learned that as a woman I would have to fight for my voice to be heard, to stand up for what I believe and to not allow a man to control what I did, said, wore or thought. Women studies and the women I met in those classes changed my life.
I have worked in the domestic violence field for almost 9 years. I have seen women beaten, bruised, broken and shut down in a way that is unimaginable. I have listened to women tell me about the ways their partner coerced them into having children, forced them to have an abortion, beat them so badly they miscarried or intentionally aimed straight for the stomach during every brutal attack. I have sat with women that cried when they realized they were pregnant. That shared they don't believe in abortion and because he would not allow her to be on birth control she now would give birth to his child and be connected to him forever.
These women's stories are why I believe so strongly in a woman's right to choose. I believe that each woman has a voice and should be able to make decisions that are right for their life and body.
In recent news, front-runner in the Republican Presidential race, Donald Trump, said "that women who seek abortions should be subject to “some form of punishment” if the procedure is banned in the United States" He went on to say that women may still have abortions in illegal places and have to be punished.
As I heard this news I sat in disbelief. How could we possibly live in a world that would punish a woman for doing what is right for herself and her body? How could we live a place that values women's choices so little? How could we go back to the 1950's when women had back alley abortions and died? It seems impossible but when people are supporting a candidate like Donald Trump it is very evident that this much more possible than I ever imagines.
Margaret Atwood wrote the famous book "The Handmaid's Tale". In this dystopian novel the United States has a fallen to a dictatorship that forces women of child bearing years to be raped, impregnated and forced to give their children to older of women of wealth that are not able to have babies of their own. Atwood looks at one woman's story. A young woman that had a life, a husband and a child. She was taken from all that she knew and forced to become a tool for breading.
When I read this book in College it seemed unfathomable. It was the reality of what could happen if someone was placed into power that had no value for women. That believed women were simply here to be controlled, raped and bear children. This book scared me but I knew it was just a book and not possible or is it?
My value as a woman is just as important as any man. Men get to chose everyday if they want to be involved in their children's lives, They do not have to be subjected to ridicule and judgment for choosing to not have children, for choosing to have a career, for making their own medical decisions. Yet women face this criticism and judgment on a daily basis. And we sit in silence and allow a man like Donald Trump to make statements that women should be jailed for choosing what is right for their life and give him the potential to run this county.
The stories of the women I have sat with and the reality of a world much like in "The Handmaid's Tale" should be enough for women and men to use their voice and stand up for what is right. We all deserve to live a life free of fear, oppression and hate.
I have dedicated my adult life to fighting for the rights of women. As my calling changes I know that the two are intertwined. I believe God is calling me to be a voice. To help people understand the challenges and oppression that women face everyday. To help people stand up for what is right and to not allow someone who claims to be of Christian faith to shame the Gospel of Christ. God is about love, mercy, grace acceptance and inclusion. Women are included this and deserve the same value that our world puts on men.
I have to believe that the little girl I am carrying will grow up in a world where she is allowed to make choices for herself, where she will not be forced to do anything she doesn't want to and where she will be valued just as much as her brother.
"The Handmaid's Tale" is an unfortunate depiction of what could happen if the right person got into power. We can't close our eyes to what is happening. We are called to fight for justice. Women have value, women deserve to have a voice and not be controlled and as a woman of faith I KNOW that God created me equally to my male counterpart and gave me the strength and bravery to stand up for what is right and fight for women.
It is time to be brave with me.
Women Studies opened my eyes to the on-going oppression of women not only in our own country but all over the world. I learned more about intimate partner violence and the different tactics used to control women into submission and fear. I learned that as a woman I would have to fight for my voice to be heard, to stand up for what I believe and to not allow a man to control what I did, said, wore or thought. Women studies and the women I met in those classes changed my life.
I have worked in the domestic violence field for almost 9 years. I have seen women beaten, bruised, broken and shut down in a way that is unimaginable. I have listened to women tell me about the ways their partner coerced them into having children, forced them to have an abortion, beat them so badly they miscarried or intentionally aimed straight for the stomach during every brutal attack. I have sat with women that cried when they realized they were pregnant. That shared they don't believe in abortion and because he would not allow her to be on birth control she now would give birth to his child and be connected to him forever.
These women's stories are why I believe so strongly in a woman's right to choose. I believe that each woman has a voice and should be able to make decisions that are right for their life and body.
In recent news, front-runner in the Republican Presidential race, Donald Trump, said "that women who seek abortions should be subject to “some form of punishment” if the procedure is banned in the United States" He went on to say that women may still have abortions in illegal places and have to be punished.
As I heard this news I sat in disbelief. How could we possibly live in a world that would punish a woman for doing what is right for herself and her body? How could we live a place that values women's choices so little? How could we go back to the 1950's when women had back alley abortions and died? It seems impossible but when people are supporting a candidate like Donald Trump it is very evident that this much more possible than I ever imagines.
Margaret Atwood wrote the famous book "The Handmaid's Tale". In this dystopian novel the United States has a fallen to a dictatorship that forces women of child bearing years to be raped, impregnated and forced to give their children to older of women of wealth that are not able to have babies of their own. Atwood looks at one woman's story. A young woman that had a life, a husband and a child. She was taken from all that she knew and forced to become a tool for breading.
When I read this book in College it seemed unfathomable. It was the reality of what could happen if someone was placed into power that had no value for women. That believed women were simply here to be controlled, raped and bear children. This book scared me but I knew it was just a book and not possible or is it?
My value as a woman is just as important as any man. Men get to chose everyday if they want to be involved in their children's lives, They do not have to be subjected to ridicule and judgment for choosing to not have children, for choosing to have a career, for making their own medical decisions. Yet women face this criticism and judgment on a daily basis. And we sit in silence and allow a man like Donald Trump to make statements that women should be jailed for choosing what is right for their life and give him the potential to run this county.
The stories of the women I have sat with and the reality of a world much like in "The Handmaid's Tale" should be enough for women and men to use their voice and stand up for what is right. We all deserve to live a life free of fear, oppression and hate.
I have dedicated my adult life to fighting for the rights of women. As my calling changes I know that the two are intertwined. I believe God is calling me to be a voice. To help people understand the challenges and oppression that women face everyday. To help people stand up for what is right and to not allow someone who claims to be of Christian faith to shame the Gospel of Christ. God is about love, mercy, grace acceptance and inclusion. Women are included this and deserve the same value that our world puts on men.
I have to believe that the little girl I am carrying will grow up in a world where she is allowed to make choices for herself, where she will not be forced to do anything she doesn't want to and where she will be valued just as much as her brother.
"The Handmaid's Tale" is an unfortunate depiction of what could happen if the right person got into power. We can't close our eyes to what is happening. We are called to fight for justice. Women have value, women deserve to have a voice and not be controlled and as a woman of faith I KNOW that God created me equally to my male counterpart and gave me the strength and bravery to stand up for what is right and fight for women.
It is time to be brave with me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Created in the Image of God
"God created mankind, in his own image, in the image of God" Genesis 1:27
This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It can be interpreted in many different ways but I find it full of grace in times when I am feeling vulnerable, alone or like I am just not "enough". God created us in God's image. God created us for good. God created us knowing that we would fail but God created us.
Recently we had a baptism at church where I was able to assist. Right before it was time for the service to start I was told that the family was unsure of how the two boys would behave. They were about 5 and 6 years old and were a bit ornery. To attempt to make it better our Pastor had the boys kneel at the altar. When they came up to be baptized I could see that these two boys could be a bit of a handful but something amazing happened that day. These little children of God knelt at the altar, looked at Pastor Nanette with eyes of wonder and bowed their heads while she baptized them. My eyes filled with tears. I knew that God was present in that moment and had offered grace to these precious children in a time where no one was quite sure what would happen.
Shortly after the baptism I learned that these boys had been adopted and by the way in which the parents were speaking may have not come from the healthiest of backgrounds. It all made sense why the parents were nervous and why these boys had trouble. I got into my car and burst into tears. These two boys are like many of the children that I work with everyday in my career as a Shelter Manager. We see children that have witnessed horrific violence, that believe the way to solve problems is with anger, that have been exposed to drugs, etc... All of these children, including the ones at church, are simply children born into a life they did not choose. They are all children of God born of innocence and purity into a life of chaos, fear and uncertainty. Yet in moments like the baptism, they are offered hope and light.
I do not believe we are born sinners. I do not believe that God created us in his image to be people of violence, greed, hostility, oppression, etc... The world in which we have created has led us down a path of destruction yet there is always hope. I go through each day and look at every situation with the belief that God is present. That through the Holy Spirit, God never leaves us. Even in our darkest of moments and the times that we feel the most anger toward God, God is still there. God offers us grace, mercy and love with the hope that we will act as God's people, created in God's image to offer hope and light to these around us.
My prayer today is that we can all look at each other with grace. That we no longer look at each other and decide that we are "bad". That we look at each other as children of God and know that we can offer mercy to those around us. That as people of God we can fulfill God's call by being present with those around us, helping those in need and recognizing that when we fall short or don't know how to pick ourselves up God is there. When you feel alone, vulnerable and like you aren't "enough" remember that each of us is created in the image of God and with that knowledge we are able to overcome all of the dark and walk into the light of hope. Amen.
Friday, February 5, 2016
God Bless this amazing, sorrowful, beautiful life I have been given
My mom recently told me that I was fulfilled. For the last week I have been thinking about this a lot. In what ways is my life fulfilled? Is it obvious to everyone but me? Do I actually believe I am fulfilled?
Today I am sitting in a coffee shop blogging. Today is not a good day. Today is two years since I lost my dad. Two years ago today my whole world changed. How in the midst of grief and sadness could I possibly be fulfilled? I have started to wonder if that is selfish. Is it selfish to be happy when so many sad things have happened?
As I have reflected on this idea over the past week several things come to mind. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a ridiculously wonderfully obnoxious kid, I am pregnant with another baby, I love my job at the church, I am connected to more people through that job than I ever imagined and my relationship with God was grown significantly over the past two years.
When I lost my dad I remember Paul saying to me that he thought I would be okay b/c of Henry and because I was strong. He was incredibly supportive and I think knew eventually I would be. The past two years have been a constant struggle for me. I have developed anxiety that for awhile had to be maintained with medication (honestly I am only off of it b/c of the pregnancy), I created tension in my job simply b/c of my own anger and grief coming out of every direction and no one understanding what was happening, I put strains on my friendships, I picked fights with my husband and the list goes on. For almost two years I lived in constant fear that something else would go wrong, that my life was destined to be filled with grief and loss and that I would somehow have to figure my way through it.
During this time a lot happened spiritually with me as well. While knowing that I was a hot mess I still knew that I was loved and cared for by God. That even in my brokenness, God was my strength and the one place that I felt complete solace and peace. In June things started to change for me. I look back on what was happening then and I realize it was my job at the church. I was hired to work 10-12 hours a week as a Pastoral Assistant. I honestly had no idea what I was doing or what God was asking me to do but I quickly learned I was just there to serve. I was available to make copies, to order books for classes and to help in Sunday worship. I was also there to help meet with people in the hospital and to provide Pastoral Care. This was the part I was the most terrified and excited about. My whole career has been about helping people so I knew I had that part down. However, praying? Talking about God? Was I expected to do that? Umm yep.
Over the summer I had the great honor of meeting with many people in the hospital. It was a great way to meet more people within our church and to let people know that I am there to serve. One particular woman will always be in my heart. Margaret has been a member of Grace for most of her adult life. She and her husband raised their children in the church and were now living in an assisted living facility. The church got a call from her son that they needed a visit. I responded said that I would be happy to stop by since it was by the hospital and I was already on my way there. I was on the phone with Paige on the way there and for some reason we were talking about what I would do if I walked into a situation where someone was dying. I laughed and told her that they would never send me on a call like that and that I had been reassured of this. I bet you know where this is going... when I walked into the nursing home I was excited to visit with Margaret, I had met her that summer in the hospital and while her mind was gone she was still a joy to talk with. I was greeted by the front desk and all of a sudden I realized that this was not a normal visit. The Director of the Nursing home greeted me and told me she was glad I was there and that the whole family had gathered. I smiled and tried to look for the nearest exit. SHIT! I knew what that meant. Her son called for a REAL PASTOR to come by b/c his mother was dying and I volunteered to go... I quickly realized that I couldn't run, I took a deep breath and prayed for wisdom and strength. When I walked into the room her children were all there. I decided to act like I knew what I was doing and began talking to them about their parents. As we talked I finally realized how I knew them, besides church. For years I worked at José Peppers and they used to come in 2-3 times a week. She always ordered the pollo magnifico and he always ordered a salad. We laughed about this connection and then it was time for me to see Margaret. She was in her final stages of life. Not responsive and very labored breathing. I went in and put my hand on hers. I then looked around and they had all followed me.... I realized in that moment that I was the Pastor, no matter how much I wanted to deny that, I was the Pastor for that family. For all the knew I had done this a thousand times. I squeezed her hand and asked if they wanted to pray. The words flowed from my mouth and when I said "Amen" I looked up and they were all crying. I let them all know that I would pass on what was happening to one of the Pastors and the son looked at me and said "you did great. Thank you".
My view on what I was called to do was solidified that day. My own grief and loss of my father taught me how to hold others while they are grieving. It taught me how to be truly present with those in pain, how to let God work through me and how I needed to embrace and focus on my own healing in order to be able to minister to others. My anxiety while still present finally seemed to become manageable, I began intentionally being more present with my family which led to deeper and more fulfilled relationships, I spent more time with my friends, I forced myself to leave stuff from my full time job at work and to set boundaries with my own capacity there and with others. I began a process of healing. For the first time I put myself first and the result is a completely transformed me.
I have realized that I am broken. I am a hot mess half of the time but I am one of Gods' beloved children and even in my brokenness I am worthy of that love.
I think this is what my mom meant. Something changed for me in the last 6 months. I am fulfilled. I am happy and finally able to say that and feel confident in it. It isn't selfish to be happy in the midst of grief and loss. In fact it is the opposite. I am living the life my dad would want me to live. I am living the life that God wants me to live. I know it is okay to fall, I know it is okay to be broken and I also know with all of my heart and soul that God is always there to pick me up and show me unconditional love.
I am broken hearted over the loss of my father and that will never change. I will never get over it. What I will do is take that grief and pain and make my life fulfilled; I will be brave and know that my dad and God are always with me leading me to the path of fulfillment.
God bless this amazing, sorrowful, beautiful life I have been given.
Today I am sitting in a coffee shop blogging. Today is not a good day. Today is two years since I lost my dad. Two years ago today my whole world changed. How in the midst of grief and sadness could I possibly be fulfilled? I have started to wonder if that is selfish. Is it selfish to be happy when so many sad things have happened?
As I have reflected on this idea over the past week several things come to mind. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a ridiculously wonderfully obnoxious kid, I am pregnant with another baby, I love my job at the church, I am connected to more people through that job than I ever imagined and my relationship with God was grown significantly over the past two years.
When I lost my dad I remember Paul saying to me that he thought I would be okay b/c of Henry and because I was strong. He was incredibly supportive and I think knew eventually I would be. The past two years have been a constant struggle for me. I have developed anxiety that for awhile had to be maintained with medication (honestly I am only off of it b/c of the pregnancy), I created tension in my job simply b/c of my own anger and grief coming out of every direction and no one understanding what was happening, I put strains on my friendships, I picked fights with my husband and the list goes on. For almost two years I lived in constant fear that something else would go wrong, that my life was destined to be filled with grief and loss and that I would somehow have to figure my way through it.
During this time a lot happened spiritually with me as well. While knowing that I was a hot mess I still knew that I was loved and cared for by God. That even in my brokenness, God was my strength and the one place that I felt complete solace and peace. In June things started to change for me. I look back on what was happening then and I realize it was my job at the church. I was hired to work 10-12 hours a week as a Pastoral Assistant. I honestly had no idea what I was doing or what God was asking me to do but I quickly learned I was just there to serve. I was available to make copies, to order books for classes and to help in Sunday worship. I was also there to help meet with people in the hospital and to provide Pastoral Care. This was the part I was the most terrified and excited about. My whole career has been about helping people so I knew I had that part down. However, praying? Talking about God? Was I expected to do that? Umm yep.
Over the summer I had the great honor of meeting with many people in the hospital. It was a great way to meet more people within our church and to let people know that I am there to serve. One particular woman will always be in my heart. Margaret has been a member of Grace for most of her adult life. She and her husband raised their children in the church and were now living in an assisted living facility. The church got a call from her son that they needed a visit. I responded said that I would be happy to stop by since it was by the hospital and I was already on my way there. I was on the phone with Paige on the way there and for some reason we were talking about what I would do if I walked into a situation where someone was dying. I laughed and told her that they would never send me on a call like that and that I had been reassured of this. I bet you know where this is going... when I walked into the nursing home I was excited to visit with Margaret, I had met her that summer in the hospital and while her mind was gone she was still a joy to talk with. I was greeted by the front desk and all of a sudden I realized that this was not a normal visit. The Director of the Nursing home greeted me and told me she was glad I was there and that the whole family had gathered. I smiled and tried to look for the nearest exit. SHIT! I knew what that meant. Her son called for a REAL PASTOR to come by b/c his mother was dying and I volunteered to go... I quickly realized that I couldn't run, I took a deep breath and prayed for wisdom and strength. When I walked into the room her children were all there. I decided to act like I knew what I was doing and began talking to them about their parents. As we talked I finally realized how I knew them, besides church. For years I worked at José Peppers and they used to come in 2-3 times a week. She always ordered the pollo magnifico and he always ordered a salad. We laughed about this connection and then it was time for me to see Margaret. She was in her final stages of life. Not responsive and very labored breathing. I went in and put my hand on hers. I then looked around and they had all followed me.... I realized in that moment that I was the Pastor, no matter how much I wanted to deny that, I was the Pastor for that family. For all the knew I had done this a thousand times. I squeezed her hand and asked if they wanted to pray. The words flowed from my mouth and when I said "Amen" I looked up and they were all crying. I let them all know that I would pass on what was happening to one of the Pastors and the son looked at me and said "you did great. Thank you".
My view on what I was called to do was solidified that day. My own grief and loss of my father taught me how to hold others while they are grieving. It taught me how to be truly present with those in pain, how to let God work through me and how I needed to embrace and focus on my own healing in order to be able to minister to others. My anxiety while still present finally seemed to become manageable, I began intentionally being more present with my family which led to deeper and more fulfilled relationships, I spent more time with my friends, I forced myself to leave stuff from my full time job at work and to set boundaries with my own capacity there and with others. I began a process of healing. For the first time I put myself first and the result is a completely transformed me.
I have realized that I am broken. I am a hot mess half of the time but I am one of Gods' beloved children and even in my brokenness I am worthy of that love.
I think this is what my mom meant. Something changed for me in the last 6 months. I am fulfilled. I am happy and finally able to say that and feel confident in it. It isn't selfish to be happy in the midst of grief and loss. In fact it is the opposite. I am living the life my dad would want me to live. I am living the life that God wants me to live. I know it is okay to fall, I know it is okay to be broken and I also know with all of my heart and soul that God is always there to pick me up and show me unconditional love.
I am broken hearted over the loss of my father and that will never change. I will never get over it. What I will do is take that grief and pain and make my life fulfilled; I will be brave and know that my dad and God are always with me leading me to the path of fulfillment.
God bless this amazing, sorrowful, beautiful life I have been given.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
15 weeks pregnant: You can't shame me!
Well the news is out. We are expecting baby #2 in July. We are incredibly excited. So far this pregnancy has been completely different than with Henry. I was very nauseous, dizzy, incredibly exhausted, am craving anything spicy and my stomach popped out so fast!
As the time got closer to tell the world I started getting really excited. It was getting harder and harder to hide my bump and I am certain I was just glowing. Around 12 weeks I was playing on Facebook- or maybe more like "creepin". I noticed that person I am friends with on FB posted her first baby bump. It was adorable- so little and cute. I noticed she had a lot of comments on there so of course like the good creeper I am I read through them. One of the comments threw me. It congratulated her on not showing yet, it said how proud she was of her and how she will be so cute when she finally shows around 6 months.
I immediately went and stood in the mirror. I was only 12 weeks and my bump was bigger than hers- what had I done wrong? was I supposed to be smaller? As soon as my irrational thoughts began to leave my mind anger took over. What I realized in that moment is that absolutely nothing is wrong with me. I like her, was one my 2nd pregnancy. Most women show sooner with their 2nd. I hadn't gained any weight- my body was simply shifting everything around. And what this woman did was shame myself and every other pregnant woman for showing "too soon". In her mind that must mean that woman is unhealthy, eating poorly, not exercising and being careless.
Why do we do this to each other? Why do women think it is socially acceptable to judge another woman on her looks? On her pregnancy? On her clothes? her makeup? Etc... All that does is make other women feel shame. Shame leads to fear and that is the opposite of how I want to live my life.
When we allow people to shame us we start to look at all the things in our lives that can be seen as "wrong". We ignore the good things in our lives and let fear take over. One of the best things we can teach other women is that being open and vulnerable allows us to believe in who we are and that we are worthy of living a beautiful and fulfilled life.
I encourage all women to stop themselves when they start to look at the woman next to them and think something is wrong with her appearance, how she is parenting or the choices she is making and instead think of how amazing it is that we are all different, we are all capable of living our lives beautifully and we are all children of God just trying to get by in this world.
"Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together" -Brene Brown
As the time got closer to tell the world I started getting really excited. It was getting harder and harder to hide my bump and I am certain I was just glowing. Around 12 weeks I was playing on Facebook- or maybe more like "creepin". I noticed that person I am friends with on FB posted her first baby bump. It was adorable- so little and cute. I noticed she had a lot of comments on there so of course like the good creeper I am I read through them. One of the comments threw me. It congratulated her on not showing yet, it said how proud she was of her and how she will be so cute when she finally shows around 6 months.
I immediately went and stood in the mirror. I was only 12 weeks and my bump was bigger than hers- what had I done wrong? was I supposed to be smaller? As soon as my irrational thoughts began to leave my mind anger took over. What I realized in that moment is that absolutely nothing is wrong with me. I like her, was one my 2nd pregnancy. Most women show sooner with their 2nd. I hadn't gained any weight- my body was simply shifting everything around. And what this woman did was shame myself and every other pregnant woman for showing "too soon". In her mind that must mean that woman is unhealthy, eating poorly, not exercising and being careless.
Why do we do this to each other? Why do women think it is socially acceptable to judge another woman on her looks? On her pregnancy? On her clothes? her makeup? Etc... All that does is make other women feel shame. Shame leads to fear and that is the opposite of how I want to live my life.
When we allow people to shame us we start to look at all the things in our lives that can be seen as "wrong". We ignore the good things in our lives and let fear take over. One of the best things we can teach other women is that being open and vulnerable allows us to believe in who we are and that we are worthy of living a beautiful and fulfilled life.
I encourage all women to stop themselves when they start to look at the woman next to them and think something is wrong with her appearance, how she is parenting or the choices she is making and instead think of how amazing it is that we are all different, we are all capable of living our lives beautifully and we are all children of God just trying to get by in this world.
"Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together" -Brene Brown
15 weeks and beautiful
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