Untitled- just read. :-)

This is Tannie on our walk this morning. I am sure most of you would look at this picture and think how cute she looks- she's too cool for this walk. Arm out, cruising along. But not me. The entire walk I stared at her foot. That foot. That food that is so close to dragging on the ground. That foot that can reach the wheel. That foot that could get severely injured from hanging out of the car. For the first 20 min I kept putting it back and telling her no. She would glance up at me, and kick it back out. I finally gave up. Truth is her foot can't reach the ground or the wheel but in my mind it could and her life would change in a second if her little foot got broken or fell off. Yep, that is where my mom brain goes.

I follow three different blogs. This week one person blogged about living in the messiness of her life and in the present. Another wrote about being terrified to hit publish on her first blog post but overcoming that fear. The other wrote about not knowing what is happening behind closed doors, not knowing what is going on in the lives of others.

All three seemed to have a common theme. Letting go of fear, living in the messiness of life and never assuming everyone around you is "ok".

Most of us live in constant fear. Fear for our world, fear for our own country, fear for our community, fear for our neighbors and fear for ourselves. I wonder where that constant fear comes from? We are trained to be scared. We are conditioned to not trust anyone around us and to assume the worst is going to happen in life. But what if, what if we could change that? Just one person at a time? What if we could believe that living in the messiness, taking the leap and opening our lives to those around us could help us to eliminate the fear in our own lives? Wouldn't that be liberating? Wouldn't that be freeing?

After my dad died, I embraced this idea of living in the present, trying to be brave, letting go of fear (as much as I can) and reminding myself that I am not alone, that those around me are hurting but if we are in this together we can provide love, support and grace to each other. It is amazing what a community can do for one another- what a group of women sitting in my living room on this past Sunday evening can do for my soul. When you choose to do life with other people it somehow allows you to get through the messiness, to let go of your fears and to embrace all those around you- to not shut people out and allow others to find comfort and peace with you.

My family has adopted a phrase "It is what it is". It means something different to all of us. The day we buried my dad, they headstone of the person behind his grave site was so massive they couldn't hide it. On the headstone it reads "it is what it is". We all laughed because of the irony of those words and will constantly look at each other and say "Good old, Chad McCurdy 'it is what it is'".

Life is what it is. There is little you can control. Things are going to happen. Kids are going to break their legs, people are going to get sick, loss is inevitable and pain is something you can't run away from.

But if you allow yourself to be present in the messiness, to embrace your fears and to lean on those around you it is possible to get to the other side of it. To come out of fear, pain and loss with the knowledge that you are not alone, you are loved and someone out there cares about you.

Blessings to all those hurting today, to all those living in pain and to all those in the world looking for someone to live this life with. You are not alone, you are worthy and you are loved.

Family

The current lectionary that the UMC follows has been focusing on the book of Genesis. Genesis is an interesting book of stories of how the people of God came to be. One can take all of the stories very literally or we can see what the meaning behind each of them says about family, God and the strength of people.

When God made the first covenant with Abraham he was asked to go away from his home, to a land that would be his. That God would protect his family and fulfill all of God's promises as long as Abraham was a faithful follower. The lineage continues for many generations and God's promises continue all the way though.

The interesting part to me is the brokenness of the God's "family". How incredibly torn apart they are just trying to make their way in a world that seemed to be against them. They failed a lot. Did things they weren't sure they should do but did it all to fulfill the promises made to God. God also threw in this whole freewill thing which got the best of some of them yet somehow most of them turned back to God in time of need and pain. God promised to never abandon them and fulfilled that promise.

When I think about the "original" family, I can't help but compare them to my own. My mom has a sign that hangs in her house that says "remember we are a nice, normal family"

The truth is my family is just that. Nice and normal. We never really fell off the path of normalcy. We had our ups and downs and struggles but overall we were a strong family unit. I credit a lot of that to my parents and the way that they raised us. We were raised in the church and given the foundation of faith. I obviously continue to follow that foundation and am grateful that my parents gave me the understanding of what a loving God can do for you in times of struggle.

We recently added a new member to the family, Carly. Carly is absolutely perfect for my brother and I can't imagine him with anyone else. I had the honor of assisting with their wedding last month and tears filled my eyes as I watched my brothers' bride walk toward him. Evan has been through it. He is likely the one you would compare to in the "original" family that strayed away from the family for awhile yet came back and is better than he has ever been. As I stood and watched the smile on his face my heart filled with such joy. For a young man that has endured so much pain and struggle in his life, I know that God brought Carly to him. Carly and Evan may look at differently- perhaps the universe or the divine or coincidence brought them together but to me that is God.

God made promises to each of us and those promises were to never leave us. Even when we stray away, even when we don't believe in God, even when we are angry at God, even when we just want to run the other direction. Just like the original family of the Bible each member of my own family has struggled with our relationships with God. But they are still there. Death, addiction, financial issues have caused us all heartache. God never promised anyone it would be easy but did promise to never leave us.

My new fascination with the original family is very much tied to love I have with my own family. I think they are a great example of what it means to be a family. The struggled, they strayed away from God and they didn't think they could handle the tasks at hand but somehow they did. They were faithful people that led their people to a land that God promised to them. They were faithful people that when told to do something by God did it even if it would cause division and pain among their own. They didn't give up on each other and they never gave up on God.

Family is hard but family is love. When you have a strong foundation like my family does, nothing can tear you apart. Nothing will separate us b/c in the end we know that we are all we really have. That each of us brings something different to the family and each of us is following our own paths and dreams. Yet, I believe that at the center of it is God. A God that won't abandon us, that will walk with us on whatever journeys we make in this life and a God that loves us beyond what we could ever imagine.

Family is my heart and strength and the Bible can really teach us about that. Now, don't get me wrong there are some pretty crazy things in there the families do to each other, I am not saying we should attempt to sacrifice each other, steal each others birthrights, marry our wives sister or anything like that. I am simply saying that this original family can teach us all that family is family and when you have a connection to your family that is based in God nothing can tear you apart.

Welcome to the family, Carly. We love you and hope you know that you are officially a part of the Loud Family.

My Squash Plant Died

For those that know me they know that I love to garden. I am sure I have written about it on here before but gardening is my soul. It is where I feel the most connected to God and where I find solitude and peace after a long day or in the midst of struggle.

My squash plant died.    

I mean it is just dead.

I don't know if something ate it or maybe it just didn't get the right care but it is dead.

No hope for it.

However my tomatoes, brussel sprouts and beans are flourishing. It really is too bad that it is the squash that died and not the tomatoes, I kind of hate tomatoes...I pause there b/c I have been told that I may be struck down for saying that but it seems that I am OK.

On Sunday, our Pastor Nanette, preached on Rebekah in the book of Genesis. She spoke of Rebekah's struggle during her pregnancy and as a mother. She related this struggle to the parable of the sower, one of my favorite and likely one of the most well know parables in the New Testament. Nanette spoke to me on Sunday. In the midst of my own person struggle she was preaching just to me, I know she was. Nanette said "the struggling is happening it is real. so where is the word of God in that struggle?.... through faith and courage we can find the word of God just like the plant that fell in the good soil and grew 100 fold"

For those that don't know the parable of the Sower here it is

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

I went home that day and reflected on this sermon for most of the afternoon. God. God is in the midst of all our struggles. God is there in the thorns, God is there on the path, God is there in the rocks and God is in the good soil.

When we are able to open our hearts and souls to the word of God we are able to get through our struggles because we are deeply rooted in our faith and we have the courage to get through whatever is happening.

This too is how we as Christians are able to help those that are stuck in the thorns, are on the path or eaten up by the birds. Many people feel as though they are planted in faith but fall away from it when hard times hit. As someone rooted deeply in my faith, that is when I can simply step in, offer love, offer grace and offer mercy to those people.

Faith is something that can't be pushed onto other people. Faith is between you and God. It is something you have to experience to know that it is real.

Just like my garden (well most of it), I am thriving in my faith. I believe in a God that is faithful, I believe in a God that supports me even when I mess up and I believe in a God that offers me grace and mercy on a daily basis.

My squash could have used a little more TLC from me, that is probably true. Or perhaps a little fence around it to keep out whatever may have eaten it. But maybe this is just a reminder for me that unless well nurtured and loved things will not grow and be sustained, much like my relationship with God.

I apologized to my squash plant earlier, promised to try harder next year and rolled my eyes at the tomatoes that no matter what I do always seem to do well. Who knows, maybe they are the root of it all b/c some people say eating a fresh tomato is like heaven on earth. Guess we will see what happens next year. But for now I will enjoy watering and nurturing what is left of the garden in hopes that it will continue to flourish and bloom.

Choices

Life is filled with choices. Some good some bad. Some that benefit you, some that hurt you. Some that still leave a lot of questions unanswered and some that answer every question you never knew you had.

I have been reflecting on choices a lot this week. I am preaching for the first time on Sunday at a retirement village here in Olathe. I am excited to share the word of God with this group of people and even more excited to actually preach. Shhhh, don't tell them they are my first!

The scripture for this week is from Genesis. It is the story of Rebekah and Isaac's two sons, Jacob and Esau. My sermon focus on the conflict that they were born into and why God chose certain people throughout the Old Testament to be leaders of great nations.

Throughout the sermon prep and time I have had this week reflecting I have really thought a lot about choices.

God gave us the ability of free will for a reason. God didn't want us to all be puppets and God be the Master. That isn't how it works. God's people continued to disappoint God throughout the Bible b/c of freewill b/c of their ability to make choices in their lives. Some of these choices led to war, some of these choices led to adultery, some of these choices led to death. Yet some of these choices led to freedom, grace, mercy, love and a resurrected Christ.

My thoughts this week have led me to the choices we all make in our lives. The choices on who we marry, the choices on what kind of jobs we choose to have and the choices we make on how to live our lives. Do we choose all these things while keeping in mind that God wants us to live life abundantly and live it fully? Do we all keep God in the front of our decision making?

My guess is no for most of us but it is a place I am really striving to be in. I want to live the life that God has given me with abundance. I want to live the life God has given me with my heart wide open and able to offer grace, love and mercy to all those in my life that I will meet through ministry and personally.

I wish we could all choose things that make us the happiest. That we could all work our dream jobs or not work at all, that we could ensure that our children grow up healthy and with everything they need to be successful. I wish that we could never worry about cancer, disease and violence. I wish that we could all choose the life we want and not have to worry about money. I wish so many things but these things are not realistic.

So how in a world where we have to choose to do things we don't want to do in order to survive financially and to put a roof over our heads do we wake up every morning and live the life of abundance God wants for us?

This is a choice as well. We can choose to be negative, we can choose to be critical of others, we can choose to be lonely, we can choose to "settle" OR we can choose to find the positives even in the negatives, we can choose to look at each person and say 'they really are doing the best they can', we can choose to be in healthy relationships with people that are make our lives full and we can choose to not settle for anything less than all of that.

God created the ability for each of us to make choices in our lives. God could have decided to not give us freewill but life would be all the same and not interesting in that scenario.

Choose to be happy. Choose to find hope in the darkness. Choose to live a life that you LOVE, that others look at and say "I want to be like HER". Choose to be that person that inspires other people. That is the choice I am making today. I am choosing abundance because that is what God wants for me and I refuse to settle for ANYTHING less.

My baby is 1

It happened. My baby turned 1. My sweet Tannie Victoria is officially one year old.

I sit here writing this aware of how lucky I am. I am lucky to have two healthy children. I am beyond lucky that I didn't have trouble conceiving, that I had easy pregnancies and birth stories. My life is full because of my babies and has truly opened my eyes to what true love is. I honestly feel that this is the closest I will ever understand how God loves me. God formed us in God's image as God's children, much like a parent, and that realization after becoming a parent changed me for the better.

Tannie came into the world early. She was born at 37.5 weeks and has been the light of our family ever since.

I can remember being terrified to bring her home. How would Henry respond? How would the dogs respond? And how would I, someone that had been struggling the last few years since the death of my father, respond to having not one but two children.

It is amazing how the grace of God works. God heard me. God heard me crying in the night when I wasn't sure how to console a baby, crying when I wasn't sure how to make Henry know I loved him equally and when I felt inadequate as a mom.

We made it one year. We made it!

When my nephew, Ben, was born our family was hurting. It was 4 months after the loss of my dad and Ben brought so much light and hope to our family. I call him my "hope" baby. He brought us all out of dark and Tannie did that for me in a way I didn't know I needed.

When I got pregnant with her I didn't realize how much I was hurting. I was in a job that was overwhelming, I was still learning how to deal with my grief and I was also working at the church. At that time the church was the only place that brought me peace. I never thought I would be able to give my whole self to that job but that is a completely different blog post.

Shortly after Tannie was born and I had left my position at Rose Brooks, Paul looked at me and said "I think you are healed. Not in the sense that you are over your grief but something about you is different. You seem lighter, you seem happier, you are Ali again".

I will never forget that. My baby girl allowed me to realize what is important in life, to realize that I needed to take a step back and focus on my family and God.

I can never thank her enough for this. She may never know what she did for me but I will always be grateful for her.

God bless that beautiful baby and that joy that babies bring to so many lives everyday.

Why Me?

Here I am at licensing school or what I call "how to be a Pastor 101" school. I have been here since Friday evening. My kids are at home with Paul and his mom and I am here, learning about how to be a Pastor.

My Senior Pastor has appointed me at my home church, Grace UMC. I will be an Associate Pastor of Pastoral Care. Like a real life Pastor.

There have been a few times this week where I wanted to run away, pack up my bags and go home. I have felt overwhelmed, lost, anxious and filled with fear for what I am doing.

I have asked God several times this week and since I answered my call to ministry "Why me?" Why do you choose me to be your servant? Why have you chosen me to speak your word? Why have you chosen me in my brokenness to be a vessel for your love to flow through in hopes to minister to others?

WHY ME?

I love working with people. I am good at public speaking. I like visiting people in the hospital. I like leading classes. I love all that I do at the church.

But to be an actual Pastor, Why Me?

This week has taught me a lot so far. It has taught me that I am called to minister to people. I am called to preach God's word. I am called to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit to flow through and minister to others.

Just like many of the people here, we are all asking- why me?

I honestly don't know if I will ever know the answer but I do know that this week I have truly grown. I have grown in my knowledge of the church, in the small details that go into every thing, in how to lead worship, in how to write a sermon and in my love for God.

I feel refreshed. I feel renewed and I feel ready for this challenge.

I will likely ask myself "why me" throughout my entire career as a Pastor and that is what will challenge me to look within myself, to ask God for answers and to renew my spirit.

So here I am God. I am ready. I am willing and I am yours.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age"

Today I Remember

For the next week I am on vacation with the Haynes family. We are in beautiful Pensacola. The beaches are white, the water is blue and it is simply paradise here.

Today is also Memorial Day. A day to not only remember those that fought for our county but also those that have gone before us. Today I am remembering my daddy, my Grandpa and my Grandma. This morning Yvette and Samira asked if I wanted to ride with them to Starbucks. For some reason or another we started talking about my dad and possibly for the first time I referred to his death as "beautiful".

Beautiful is never a way that I thought I would describe death but really when you are able to see the unintended blessings that come from it, you really can see the beauty in life and death.

The death of my father opened my eyes to what kind of life I want to live. A life of truth, honesty and goodness. A life where I find blessing and beauty even in the midst of grief and darkness. A life where I can enjoy the small moments with my children in the middle of a day filled with tears, whining and struggles. And simply a life where I can live as a disciple of Christ spreading grace, love and mercy to all those that I meet.

The first day we got to the house we are staying at I was flooded with emotion of the last time we were here. It was 5 months after my dad died and I was not in a good place. I was anxious and grieving. I was angry and searching for answers to why but this year is different. As Henry and I walked out on to the pier I stopped him in the middle and told him that I wanted to tell him something. I told him that the last time I was here I was really sad but that this place made me feel better. He asked me why and I told him because God is everywhere here. God is in the water, the waves, the sky, the beaches and the stillness of the mornings. Of course his answer was "Ok mom. When do we go swimming". I laughed and we walked on to the pier.

As I continue to grow and learn I know that God intends for my life to be abundant and filled with blessing, grace, mercy and love.  I know that God will work through me to care for others and to care for myself. I also know that God will continue to show me that even in the midst of pain, darkness and struggle there is beauty and hope. When we are able and willing to listen to the voice inside of us, perhaps that of God, it is amazing what can come of it.

Beauty is all around us. Even in death. The day my dad died wasn't beautiful. It was snowing and cold and we were all in shock that it was happening. But there was beauty in the hospice workers that swooped in like angels, in the friends that came over and said goodbye, in the family that filled the rooms, in the food that started being delivered and in the final breath my dad took as we all stood around him, held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. I can find that beauty now. I can look back and see where the blessings were. I know that all people aren't able to do this. It takes time, reflection and awareness of what life and death truly mean. Of what an eternity may actually look like for each of us and what our life is meant to be. But I do believe it is possible. No matter the situation or circumstance, no matter the struggle or darkness. I believe that in the midst of it all God is always present, holding us and offering light and hope.

I hope my children will grow this way. To know God even in their darkest struggles. To know that they can ask God for help. To know grace, mercy and love and to always remember the ones that go before us and the beauty that can come from it.

Perhaps we can all find a bit of paradise today as we remember the ones that have gone before us. I sure know I will.