I surrender

When I was a kid I can remember hearing my friends talk about lent. They would talk about giving something up because God wants you to give something up that you really love. I can remember asking why and no one could really tell me; they said it was because they were supposed to.

As a United Methodist I was never told that I had to give something up- in fact I can't remember ever having a Pastor mention anything about it. But it was kind of cool to do so a few times I gave up soda, which I really wasn't allowed to have so that wasn't too hard and one time I tried to give up sugar but that lasted like a day and then I felt like I had betrayed God and that didn't feel right.

Giving up "things" at lent still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I understand the need and purpose of fasting in order to experience a more spiritual connection to God, I can understand not eating meat one day a week in order to celebrate the lenten season and build community with others during your weekly fish fry. All of that I can get. But giving something up.

I am not sure that God really wants us to be lacking of things we enjoy. 

As my faith has grown and my understanding of lent has matured- I have realized that giving something up is not the purpose of lent. The purpose of lent is to surrender. To surrender to God. To allow God to take over our anxieties, our worries and our fears. To allow the holy spirit to work in our lives so that when we feel all the weight of the world on us we know that we are not alone. We can trust in the power of the Divine to hold us and make us safe because that is the very covenant God made with us from the beginning of time. 

As Jesus is preparing for his arrest, death and resurrection he foretells of this many times. His disciples, particularly Peter, don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe that their teacher, their friend, their Rabbi will be arrested and killed. I mean who would want to believe that about the beloved son of God?

In Mark 14 we read about the arrest of Jesus. As Jesus is being arrested, he looks upon the people arresting him and says "have you com out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a bandit? Day after day I was with you in the temple teaching, and you did not arrest me. But let the scripture be fulfilled"

But let the scripture be fulfilled. 

It has been prophesied over and over again that the son of God will come to the earth and will be arrested, crucified and resurrected. Jesus has finally surrendered to his fate. He knows that this is what must happen in order to save the people of God, in order to show to his people his whole heart, his pure love and what it ultimately means to surrender to the will of God. To allow God to take on your hardships, to let God be with you even in the toughest of times and to allow the very spirit of God to be upon you every day no matter how much you fight it or don't want to believe it to be possible. 

I encourage you all to surrender this lent. To allow God into your lives in a way maybe you never have. To give your worry and anxiety to God and when it seems to overwhelm you and consume you go to God in prayer and trust that no matter how hard it is God is with you through all of it because that is the very promise God made to us from the very beginning of time and the promise God continues to make with us every single day.

Blessings to all of you

I am terrified of kindergarten

Henry can't stop talking about how excited he is for kindergarten. He hears his cousin, Will, talk about school and can't wait to go and meet new friends, eat hot lunch, go to recess, all of it.

I am terrified. I am not terrified because my child will be in school all day everyday away from me. Nah, we will be ok. Henry NEEDS school, he needs to be busy all day and school will do him good. I am terrified because of what is happening in our world.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and think it is "normal" to have active shooter drills.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and think that he is going to be killed because it happens.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and come home asking why someone would want to kill him.

THIS IS NOT OK.

THIS IS NOT OK.

THIS IS NOT OK.

My biggest fears SHOULD be
- Will he like his teacher?
-Will he make friends?
-Will he do well?
-Will he be accepted for who he is?

Yet all those fears seems nothing compared to my ultimate fear.

Last week when we saw yet another school shooting it is almost as though something shifted. Something shifted in our country. People are speaking out. Kids are marching out of schools and demanding action from the adults that promise to take care of them. They are demanding that they be taken care of.

I am in awe of the strength and resilience of these children. BUT the TRUTH IS they should NOT be the ones marching and demanding change. IT SHOULD BE ALL OF US. We should NOT be okay with our kids accepting this as normal, we should not be okay with our kids being the ones demanding action.

It is our job to do this. It is our job to change things. I don't know what all I can do but I do know that I can go to this meeting on March 3rd for Moms Demand Gunsense and learn what I can do. I do know that I can talk about this, that I can pray about it and that I can act.

Prayer is great- it is not enough. ACTION and prayer is better.

Jesus preaches on action, activism and actually doing something. He preached on non-violence on putting down your sword, standing up for what you believe in and demanding peace.

If I am going to be a disciple of Christ this is how I need to respond.

Glennon Doyle posted this amazing video on her facebook page- go look it up! She demands action for our children and to call your congressmen to demand this action. It is easy- they give you a script, they give you numbers. Use them! You can find her video on my facebook page.

So here's the thing. I don't want to be terrified of kindergarten. I don't want my son to see my anxiety and fear when he goes to school that first day. I want him to be excited, I want to be excited, I want to feel that he is safe, loved and cared for.

I have not said anything about gun control- I want that to be clear. I am simply saying that we have to have adults leading our country that take into account the children in our schools when passing bills and legislation that could impact their lives or perhaps save them.

Henry will start kindergarten in the fall and I am committed to making it fun, I am committed to making him excited. I am committed to demanding action to make this happen.

God bless you all, God bless the little children

Confession time....

I have a confession to make.

It is one that has been eating me up inside for a really long time.

I hide this obsession from so many people.

My son tells me it is gross and to put it away.

My husband just doesn't get it.

I am ready to confess to the world because it feels like such a heavy burden to be carrying.

Okay...here it goes...deep breath

I am OBSESSED with Dr. Pimple Popper. This is not just a "watch a new video when she post it on her youtube" type of obsession. No, it's watch it constantly. When I am drinking my coffee in the morning, I am watching a cyst come out. When I rocking my daughter to sleep we watch blackheads being popped together and when I lay in bed at night I tend to watch dilated pore of winers or something to that nature.

The obsession started when I was nursing Tannie. I needed something that didn't require noise to watch while I was up for hours at night with her. Then I found her. I found Dr. Sandra Lee, Dr. Pimple Popper.

She has a whole youtube channel, a show now on TLC and is often on the show "The Doctors"

I don't know what it is about it but something incredibly satisfying happens within me when the cyst, blackhead or whatever is off. Now of course I tend to fast forward through the stitches because that's just gross. But the rest of it. Oh the rest of it.

I can remember my dad had a cyst on his back for most of my life. One day he came home from the Dr. and told me that he had it removed and the contents shot across the room. I was jealous. Seriously jealous that I didn't get to see it. As a teen, I was lucky and didn't have acne, but my sister did and so did my cousin. And they would let me pop their pimples- I am sorry for outing the both of you but it was so much fun. I secretly hope that my kids will have it so I can help them- I now know the ways to express blackheads without leaving a scar. How awful is that? I hope my kids have acne so I can pop it.

I felt as though I needed to get this off my chest and maybe share it with the world. Maybe some of you have the same obsession and didn't know Dr. Pimple Popper existed or maybe you too were hiding your love for it and now you can be free to be you.

So I am going to share a video. One that some of you may find really hard to watch but it has over 15 million views. I believe I am responsible for 7.5 million of those. As my sister said "It is strangely satisfying"

That really is all I have to say for now, nothing about grief and death, nothing about my faith, simply me confessing to the world that I LOVE WATCHING PIMPLES BEING POPPED :-)

Enjoy! If the video doesn't work just click on this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lVSblzukr0&index=17&list=PLJZ_ok3xiAi9dQ2J8RsfN6z_Dlu2c1evO&has_verified=1

Whoa Up, Sister

I have to first admit that I am borrowing this phrase from Jen Hatmaker. She is an amazing author and her latest book is really speaking to me. I highly recommend reading "Of Mess and Moxie". It will make you laugh and cry all in the same chapter.

Winter is a hard time of year for so many of us. Not only is it cold- I have to tell my son everyday if it is "dangerous" cold or just "regular" cold- but the days are short and the months are long. It is a time of year where people spend most of their time secluded in their homes and don't venture out unless they have to. It is also a time of year of sorrow for so many people. It is strange how much death occurs in the winter months but also not really. Christmas is over. People have spent time with their families and if they are ready to go or they are fighting some kind of disease it seems like the right time.

Last winter I made a promise to live in joy and not sorrow or fear. Of course a few days later my Grandpa died and then exactly 4 weeks after that we lost my Grandma. And over those 4 weeks was the time that my dad had passed 3 years before. Yet, I think making the promise to myself to live in joy was the best decision I had made. Because I was able to get through all of that with grace and dignity. I was okay.

This winter, I didn't start out with the same or similar intention. In fact, I have spent the last month or so living in fear, dread and sorrow. I have felt the impact of grief harder this year than most and the continuous worry of my own family weighs on me daily. I mean how many times can they tell us that basically we are all going to get the flu and there is a chance we may die. DON'T TURN ON THE NEWS OR RADIO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

So then I started reading this book. By the introduction I was hooked. I knew I couldn't put it down. And then she got to the part about fear. She went on about all the bad things that were going on in her life and how she just lived in constant fear of what the next bad thing would be and THEN all of a sudden she realized that God didn't make us to be fearful and that FEAR IS A LIAR. Say that over and over again "FEAR IS A LIAR, FEAR IS A LIAR". It really helps.

She ends this page with the phrase "Whoa up, sister. These thoughts and ideas cannot be trusted"

So that is my plan. I will NOT LIVE IN FEAR. FEAR IS A LIAR. God did not give me the spirit of fear. God gave me the spirit of hope, grace, mercy, joy, love. God gave me all the tools I need to live a life of abundance and to not let fear rule me.

So whoa up, whoa up, whoa up. That is what I will continue to say to myself every time fear starts to creep it's ugly face in.

We are braver than fear, we are stronger than fear and we are made to live our lives full as beloved children of God.

So Whoa Up. You all got this. We all got this because the crazy thing is- we all have God on our side. Walking with us through this crazy, beautiful, messy life.

Blessings to you all during this Whoa up season.

Love, your special one

I have started a blog post several times over the last few days. Trying to find the words to describe how I am feeling lately, how hard it is to raise 2 children while working and taking care of a home and how to deal with this lingering grief and upcoming anniversary of my dad's death.

It is amazing how life goes on. How our lives just keep going.

I have written before about winter being all about death. It is simply the truth in my life. 3 deaths over a 4 week period. Two of them are easier to remember and bring a sense of peace and joy in my life. But my dad. My dad.

When I was a kid, my dad called me his "special  one". Of course my siblings said it was because I was "special" but my dad just had a special place in his heart for me. I was a sensitive kid. Took everything personally and would often break out in a tantrum at the drop of a hat. My dad saw me. He understood what was going on with me. He knew that I just needed him and just needed to be heard.

Last summer our family went to Florida on vacation with my husband's family. We were all in a house for a week and it was an amazing week. A week filled with adventures of checking crab traps, riding on jet ski's, swimming in the ocean and seeing the Blue Angels fly. It was a trip that Henry still talks about.

That trip was the first time I realized how much alike Henry and I are. Henry is a sensitive kid. He has always been. He gets his feelings hurt easily and when he hurts someone else he feels this intense regret and remorse. He feels things and I see that. One of the nights we were there, Henry got his feelings hurt. So I walked with him for awhile down to the end of the dock where his dad was fishing. As we walked, we stopped and talked for awhile. I told my Henry that he was my special one. That he was the one I see and know how he is feeling. He cried even more when I told him that. And to this day, I tell him all the time that he is my special one.

My dad taught me how to be a good parent (mom did too) but he taught me how to SEE my kids. How to acknowledge their emotions and how to make sure they know their value and worth.

As this week comes and I remember each day of the days leading up to this death, I am trying to choose to remember the things that he taught me. The things that I carry on through his legacy. The things that make me, me because of him.

It is interesting that even after death, I can still learn from him. I can see how things he did changed me and shaped me into the person I am today. I see him in each of my siblings and in my children and my nephew.

He is still around in each of us yet it doesn't make it easier.

This week is hard. It is a week I dread each year. It is a week where I burst into tears for the smallest things. Where I am on edge constantly and where I long to go back and say more and do more. Yet that is grief.

Death changes you. Grief changes you, there is no denying that. Yet in the midst of my grief and my longing for a different story, I find grace and beauty in the world around me. I find it in my son, my daughter and my beautiful family.

I know God's grace surrounds me at these times. I know that God is with me through it all and I know that my dad is simply a veil away, longing and hoping he too was with  us.

God Bless you, dad. I miss you. - Your Special One

"Heaven is in Hawaii"

This is the name of Henry's new song that he has been singing to me for the past few days. There is a video of it here. 

He started singing this song the other day and at first I was like "umm so my dad left us all and went to Hawaii and that is where he has been all this time" And Henry said "Mom, Heaven is in Hawaii"

5 year old kids are so intuitive. Henry knows that this season of the year is hard for me. He knows that over the next few weeks I will remember the loss of my dad and both of my dad's parents. They all died within a 4 week period. And here he is, singing a song to me all about my dad and how he is in heaven in Hawaii. :-)

Last year, without knowing what the winter would bring, I wrote a blog that I refused to live in fear since it was winter. That I wasn't going to allow my own grief to control my life and that whatever happened that winter I would embrace it. Within 5 weeks of that blog both of my dad's parents passed away. 

To be honest, coming to this conclusion is what probably got me through their deaths. It wasn't that it was unexpected but 4 weeks apart, to the day, was. It wasn't that they were young and still had a lot of life in front of them- no they were over 80, almost 90 and had lived long full lives. But the pain of losing both of your grandparents within a month was hard. 

However, I had already committed to not allowing my own grief control me that winter, so I didn't. I embraced it. I embraced their deaths and allowed myself to lean into the pain of it, to lean into the pain of my own grief coming up and to lean into the pain that life and death are really just a part of our time on earth and when it is all said and done we move on to the next phase. 

God has given me the strength that I need to also embrace this winter. To embrace whatever is to come. To know that I have the strength to get through whatever life throws at me this winter.

Life is hard and messy and filled with pain. But it is also incredibly beautiful if you just stop and live in the moment of the life you are living. 

My doctor recently told me that as she continues in her practice year after year, she has come to realize that birth and death are the two most beautiful experiences she gets to have. To be able to hand someone their new baby is incredibly beautiful and to be able to sit with a patient at the end of their life brings a great deal of peace and beauty to her life. She told me that she didn't expect this when she first started in family practice but she is surprised how much it has changed her. It was simply beautiful to hear her put it that way. 

Birth and death are beautiful. We come from the ground and to the ground we return. 

And apparently when we die we just go to Hawaii so that sounds fine to me!

Embrace your life, embrace whatever is coming and know that you are never alone. God is always with you and you are stronger than you think you are.

(oh and yes, I know my daughter is climbing on the table here...it's her new favorite thing)

The Value of A Dream

Once a month I have to attend a mentor group as part of my candidacy for ministry process. The group has good people in it and the conversation is interesting but last night I did not want to go. It was dreary out, the holidays have been overwhelming and all I wanted to do was curl up and watch the Bachelor. But I went b/c I am required.

Marilyn, our mentor, shared that her church didn't celebrate Epiphany the day before so we were going to celebrate epiphany.

I had just preached on epiphany the day before so I was sure I knew everything she had to say (I can get ahead of myself a bit). I was surprised at how much I learned or thought about last night. Things I knew or had read but didn't put much focus on really stuck out to me. The Bible is interesting that way. When you read a passage over and over again you often find different themes or words popping out at you that you didn't ever hear before. It is what makes it possible for Pastors to preach on the same text over and over again.

Last night, Marilyn, made a point to mention each time the scripture said the word "dream".

1. Joseph has a dream telling him that Mary will have a child conceived by the Holy Spirit and he is to name him Jesus.

2. The wise men have a dream warning them to not go back to their home land through Jerusalem as they had come in fear that Herod may harm then.

3. An angel of the Lord appears to Joseph in a dream telling him to take Mary and baby Jesus to Egypt b/c Herod is trying to have them killed.

4. An angel of the Lord appears to Joseph again in a dream telling him it is safe to return to the land of Israel because Herod had died.

Dreams. What if Joseph and the wise men hadn't listened to their dreams. The whole narrative of the Bible would have been different. Mary would have been a single mother, shunned by her community raising the Christ child alone. The wise men would have gone back to Herod and either been killed for keeping the location of the child a secret or Jesus may have been found and killed due to them telling Herod where he was. Mary, Joseph and Jesus may not have fled to Egypt where they found refuge and they may not have returned to the town of Nazareth where Jesus would be raised and start his ministry.

So much would be different. Dreams have significance in our lives. It is amazing what kind of answers or guidance you can get from them if you are open to what they are saying.

Several times in my life I have had dreams that helped to change the course of what I was doing. Before I went into ministry I had dreams of being a Pastor. Too many to count but it took a significant event in my life, the death of my father, for me to finally listen to them and choosing to listen changed my life forever and for the better.

Two stand out to me the most. Right after my cousin Skyler died, his sister, Brittany, asked for our Bari Nani (great-grandmother) to come to her in a dream. That SAME night she came to me. Bari Nani was young and beautiful wearing a pink suit- which I later found out from her daughter that she owned a pink suit- and she was sitting with a young blonde blue eyed boy. She told me that she had Skyler and that all was well. When I told Brittany about the dream she froze, she didn't tell me that she had asked for Bari Nani to come to her and it was overwhelming what peace it brought to both of us.

The second was about a year after my dad passed. I wasn't doing okay. I was struggling on a daily basis and everyone saw it. I tried to hide it and pretend like life was normal but it wasn't. I had a dream one night where my dad showed up in my doorway, looked at me and said "It will all be okay". I woke up the next morning and had energy like I hadn't in a long time, I felt okay. I called my mom and told her about the dream and she, like Brittany, was silent. She then told me that she was on the back deck the night before yelling at my father to find a way to tell me everything would be okay. From that moment on, everything was. It changed me.

Dreams can change us. Dreams are so significant in our lives and often times we dismiss them as our minds wondering or as nothing. Yet when we hold onto the dream, listen to what it was saying, maybe just maybe we will be hearing the voice of God through the ones that we love. Guiding us, helping us and holding us.

I for one am glad that Joseph and the wise men listened to their dreams. They had faith and trusted in that faith. Enough to change the course of their life. When we do this, when we put our full trust and faith in God it is amazing what it can do for your life.

Listen to your dreams. You never know what it may do for you.

Blessings to all