Love, grace, mercy and acceptance. That is what my Bible says.

My Nana called me this morning and told me to read Matthew 19:12. I opened my Bible and read the following passage

"Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.               For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men;               and other have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can                     accept his should accept it"

My Nana and I have talked several times this week. He is a retired United Methodist Minister and wanted me to let him know as I heard of things happening at the United Methodist Church General Conference. The United Methodist Church is a global church that follows a book of discipline. Every 4 years delegates, bishops and lay people from all around the world meet to discuss what is happening in the church and to make proposals to change the current book of discipline. This year the "hot topic" is inclusion. The Book of Discipline clearly states that an openly gay person cannot be ordained in the UMC and that an Ordained Minister cannot marry a gay couple in the church.

The United Methodist church has been debating this issue for years much like the debates to end the segregation of the church and to allow women to be ordained. The UMC is known for being progressive, for being the leader in inclusion and standing up for equality and the rights of people. John Wesley started the Methodist Church based on this. He did not approve of the way that the church ignored child labor laws, healthcare and many other things. Our own founder believed in justice for all and started a movement based on this.

Where did we go wrong? At what point did the church decide that inclusion, equality, grace and love were for some and not others? I am not sure I know the answer to this but I do know that this is not the way Jesus taught us to treat each other, this is not the way in which John Wesley wanted his movement to go and this is not the way in which the majority of United Methodist believe.

As someone going into the ministry this is one of biggest struggles. My love for the UMC is out of my love and passion for fighting for social justice, their views on grace and the way in which the church responds to those in need. This is MY church. This church models the way in which Jesus preaches throughout the entire Gospel; love, grace, mercy and acceptance for all. I continue to stay in this church because I believe in it. I believe that God is calling me to stand up for what is right, to voice my opinions about inclusion and to continue to spread the Good News that Jesus brings.

Matthew 19:12. After talking with my Nana, I have read the passage over and over again. I have read commentary on various sites, looked through my study Bible and can understand the value in this passage. "Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they are born this way..."

The Bible is open to interpretation by each person that reads it, that's the point. There are times that it is not clear exactly what is being said but this passage, these words are clear to me. We are all born the way that we are, created in the image of God, created to love one another, to accept one another and to live as God's people. So why do we choose to allow this to apply to some people and not others? Out of fear? Out of shame? Out of judgment? Yes. Yes to all of those.

By allowing God to work through me, I have learned that fear, shame and judgment only hold you back. That accepting everyone for who they are is the way that Jesus taught. That allowing others to shame each other will get us nowhere and standing up for each other and the rights of the oppressed by showing them grace, mercy and love will open your heart to more possibilities than you know.

I don't know what is going to happen in the church. I don't know if the book of discipline will stay the same, if equality and inclusion will finally be adopted or if the church will not be able to reconcile it's differences and split. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that God will continue to work through each of us. To show us the way through the teaching of Christ and to allow us to open our hearts to one another without judgment or fear. I believe in the good of The United Methodist Church and I believe that the right thing will be done it is simply a matter of waiting, praying and not losing hope.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14

Are we living in "The Handmaid's Tale"?

I graduated from K-State in 2007 with a dual degree in Women Studies and Sociology. The majority of my college career was focused on Sociology and learning more about the criminal justice system with a passion for working with juvenile delinquent girls. My junior year of school I took my first Women Studies course. I had always believed in equal rights for women but did not realize my passion for this until that class. 

Women Studies opened my eyes to the on-going oppression of women not only in our own country but all over the world. I learned more about intimate partner violence and the different tactics used to control women into submission and fear. I learned that as a woman I would have to fight for my voice to be heard, to stand up for what I believe and to not allow a man to control what I did, said, wore or thought. Women studies and the women I met in those classes changed my life. 

I have worked in the domestic violence field for almost 9 years. I have seen women beaten, bruised, broken and shut down in a way that is unimaginable. I have listened to women tell me about the ways their partner coerced them into having children, forced them to have an abortion, beat them so badly they miscarried or intentionally aimed straight for the stomach during every brutal attack. I have sat with women that cried when they realized they were pregnant. That shared they don't believe in abortion and because he would not allow her to be on birth control she now would give birth to his child and be connected to him forever. 

These women's stories are why I believe so strongly in a woman's right to choose. I believe that each woman has a voice and should be able to make decisions that are right for their life and body. 

In recent news, front-runner in the Republican Presidential race, Donald Trump, said "that women who seek abortions should be subject to “some form of punishment” if the procedure is banned in the United States" He went on to say that women may still have abortions in illegal places and have to be punished. 

As I heard this news I sat in disbelief. How could we possibly live in a world that would punish a woman for doing what is right for herself and her body? How could we live a place that values women's choices so little? How could we go back to the 1950's when women had back alley abortions and died? It seems impossible but when people are supporting a candidate like Donald Trump it is very evident that this much more possible than I ever imagines.

Margaret Atwood wrote the famous book "The Handmaid's Tale". In this dystopian novel the United States has a fallen to a dictatorship that forces women of child bearing years to be raped, impregnated and forced to give their children to older of women of wealth that are not able to have babies of their own. Atwood looks at one woman's story. A young woman that had a life, a husband and a child. She was taken from all that she knew and forced to become a tool for breading. 

When I read this book in College it seemed unfathomable. It was the reality of what could happen if someone was placed into power that had no value for women. That believed women were simply here to be controlled, raped and bear children. This book scared me but I knew it was just a book and not possible or is it?

My value as a woman is just as important as any man. Men get to chose everyday if they want to be involved in their children's lives, They do not have to be subjected to ridicule and judgment for choosing to not have children, for choosing to have a career, for making their own medical decisions. Yet women face this criticism and judgment on a daily basis. And we sit in silence and allow a man like Donald Trump to make statements that women should be jailed for choosing what is right for their life and give him the potential to run this county. 

The stories of the women I have sat with and the reality of a world much like in "The Handmaid's Tale" should be enough for women and men to use their voice and stand up for what is right. We all deserve to live a life free of fear, oppression and hate.

I have dedicated my adult life to fighting for the rights of women. As my calling changes I know that the two are intertwined. I believe God is calling me to be a voice. To help people understand the challenges and oppression that women face everyday. To help people stand up for what is right and to not allow someone who claims to be of Christian faith to shame the Gospel of Christ.  God is about love, mercy, grace acceptance and inclusion. Women are included this and deserve the same value that our world puts on men. 

I have to believe that the little girl I am carrying will grow up in a world where she is allowed to make choices for herself, where she will not be forced to do anything she doesn't want to and where she will be valued just as much as her brother. 

"The Handmaid's Tale" is an unfortunate depiction of what could happen if the right person got into power. We can't close our eyes to what is happening. We are called to fight for justice. Women have value, women deserve to have a voice and not be controlled and as a woman of faith I KNOW that God created me equally to my male counterpart and gave me the strength and bravery to stand up for what is right and fight for women. 

It is time to be brave with me. 

Created in the Image of God

"God created mankind, in his own image, in the image of God" Genesis 1:27

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It can be interpreted in many different ways but I find it full of grace in times when I am feeling vulnerable, alone or like I am just not "enough". God created us in God's image. God created us for good. God created us knowing that we would fail but God created us. 

Recently we had a baptism at church where I was able to assist. Right before it was time for the service to start I was told that the family was unsure of how the two boys would behave. They were about 5 and 6 years old and were a bit ornery. To attempt to make it better our Pastor had the boys kneel at the altar. When they came up to be baptized I could see that these two boys could be a bit of a handful but something amazing happened that day. These little children of God knelt at the altar, looked at Pastor Nanette with eyes of wonder and bowed their heads while she baptized them. My eyes filled with tears. I knew that God was present in that moment and had offered grace to these precious children in a time where no one was quite sure what would happen. 

Shortly after the baptism I learned that these boys had been adopted and by the way in which the parents were speaking may have not come from the healthiest of backgrounds. It all made sense why the parents were nervous and why these boys had trouble. I got into my car and burst into tears. These two boys are like many of the children that I work with everyday in my career as a Shelter Manager. We see children that have witnessed horrific violence, that believe the way to solve problems is with anger, that have been exposed to drugs, etc... All of these children, including the ones at church, are simply children born into a life they did not choose. They are all children of God born of innocence and purity into a life of chaos, fear and uncertainty. Yet in moments like the baptism, they are offered hope and light.

I do not believe we are born sinners. I do not believe that God created us in his image to be people of violence, greed, hostility, oppression, etc... The world in which we have created has led us down a path of destruction yet there is always hope. I go through each day and look at every situation with the belief that God is present. That through the Holy Spirit, God never leaves us. Even in our darkest of moments and the times that we feel the most anger toward God, God is still there. God offers us grace, mercy and love with the hope that we will act as God's people, created in God's image to offer hope and light to these around us. 

My prayer today is that we can all look at each other with grace. That we no longer look at each other and decide that we are "bad". That we look at each other as children of God and know that we can offer mercy to those around us. That as people of God we can fulfill God's call by being present with those around us, helping those in need and recognizing that when we fall short or don't know how to pick ourselves up God is there. When you feel alone, vulnerable and like you aren't "enough" remember that each of us is created in the image of God and with that knowledge we are able to overcome all of the dark and walk into the light of hope. Amen. 

God Bless this amazing, sorrowful, beautiful life I have been given

My mom recently told me that I was fulfilled. For the last week I have been thinking about this a lot. In what ways is my life fulfilled? Is it obvious to everyone but me? Do I actually believe I am fulfilled?

Today I am sitting in a coffee shop blogging. Today is not a good day. Today is two years since I lost my dad. Two years ago today my whole world changed. How in the midst of grief and sadness could I possibly be fulfilled? I have started to wonder if that is selfish. Is it selfish to be happy when so many sad things have happened?

As I have reflected on this idea over the past week several things come to mind. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a ridiculously wonderfully obnoxious kid, I am pregnant with another baby, I love my job at the church, I am connected to more people through that job than I ever imagined and my relationship with God was grown significantly over the past two years.

When I lost my dad I remember Paul saying to me that he thought I would be okay b/c of Henry and because I was strong. He was incredibly supportive and I think knew eventually I would be. The past two years have been a constant struggle for me. I have developed anxiety that for awhile had to be maintained with medication (honestly I am only off of it b/c of the pregnancy), I created tension in my job simply b/c of my own anger and grief coming out of every direction and no one understanding what was happening, I put strains on my friendships, I picked fights with my husband and the list goes on. For almost two years I lived in constant fear that something else would go wrong, that my life was destined to be filled with grief and loss and that I would somehow have to figure my way through it.

During this time a lot happened spiritually with me as well. While knowing that I was a hot mess I still knew that I was loved and cared for by God. That even in my brokenness, God was my strength and the one place that I felt complete solace and peace. In June things started to change for me. I look back on what was happening then and I realize it was my job at the church. I was hired to work 10-12 hours a week as a Pastoral Assistant. I honestly had no idea what I was doing or what God was asking me to do but I quickly learned I was just there to serve. I was available to make copies, to order books for classes and to help in Sunday worship. I was also there to help meet with people in the hospital and to provide Pastoral Care.  This was the part I was the most terrified and excited about. My whole career has been about helping people so I knew I had that part down. However, praying? Talking about God? Was I expected to do that? Umm yep.

Over the summer I had the great honor of meeting with many people in the hospital. It was a great way to meet more people within our church and to let people know that I am there to serve. One particular woman will always be in my heart. Margaret has been a member of Grace for most of her adult life. She and her husband raised their children in the church and were now living in an assisted living facility. The church got a call from her son that they needed a visit. I responded said that I would be happy to stop by since it was by the hospital and I was already on my way there. I was on the phone with Paige on the way there and for some reason we were talking about what I would do if I walked into a situation where someone was dying. I laughed and told her that they would never send me on a call like that and that I had been reassured of this. I bet you know where this is going... when I walked into the nursing home I was excited to visit with Margaret, I had met her that summer in the hospital and while her mind was gone she was still a joy to talk with. I was greeted by the front desk and all of a sudden I realized that this was not a normal visit. The Director of the Nursing home greeted me and told me she was glad I was there and that the whole family had gathered. I smiled and tried to look for the nearest exit. SHIT! I knew what that meant. Her son called for a REAL PASTOR to come by b/c his mother was dying and I volunteered to go... I quickly realized that I couldn't run, I took a deep breath and prayed for wisdom and strength. When I walked into the room her children were all there. I decided to act like I knew what I was doing and began talking to them about their parents. As we talked I finally realized how I knew them, besides church. For years I worked at José Peppers and they used to come in 2-3 times a week. She always ordered the pollo magnifico and he always ordered a salad. We laughed about this connection and then it was time for me to see Margaret. She was in her final stages of life. Not responsive and very labored breathing. I went in and put my hand on hers. I then looked around and they had all followed me.... I realized in that moment that I was the Pastor, no matter how much I wanted to deny that, I was the Pastor for that family. For all the knew I had done this a thousand times. I squeezed her hand and asked if they wanted to pray. The words flowed from my mouth and when I said "Amen" I looked up and they were all crying. I let them all know that I would pass on what was happening to one of the Pastors and the son looked at me and said "you did great. Thank you".

My view on what I was called to do was solidified that day. My own grief and loss of my father taught me how to hold others while they are grieving. It taught me how to be truly present with those in pain, how to let God work through me and how I needed to embrace and focus on my own healing in order to be able to minister to others. My anxiety while still present finally seemed to become manageable, I began intentionally being more present with my family which led to deeper and more fulfilled relationships, I spent more time with my friends, I forced myself to leave stuff from my full time job at work and to set boundaries with my own capacity there and with others. I began a process of healing. For the first time I put myself first and the result is a completely transformed me.

I have realized that I am broken. I am a hot mess half of the time but I am one of Gods' beloved children and even in my brokenness I am worthy of that love.

I think this is what my mom meant. Something changed for me in the last 6 months. I am fulfilled. I am happy and finally able to say that and feel confident in it. It isn't selfish to be happy in the midst of grief and loss. In fact it is the opposite. I am living the life my dad would want me to live. I am living the life that God wants me to live. I know it is okay to fall, I know it is okay to be broken and I also know with all of my heart and soul that God is always there to pick me up and show me unconditional love.

I am broken hearted over the loss of my father and that will never change. I will never get over it. What I will do is take that grief and pain and make my life fulfilled; I will be brave and know that my dad and God are always with me leading me to the path of fulfillment.

God bless this amazing, sorrowful, beautiful life I have been given.

15 weeks pregnant: You can't shame me!

Well the news is out. We are expecting baby #2 in July. We are incredibly excited. So far this pregnancy has been completely different than with Henry. I was very nauseous, dizzy, incredibly exhausted, am craving anything spicy and my stomach popped out so fast!

As the time got closer to tell the world I started getting really excited. It was getting harder and harder to hide my bump and I am certain I was just glowing. Around 12 weeks I was playing on Facebook- or maybe more like "creepin". I noticed that person I am friends with on FB posted her first baby bump. It was adorable- so little and cute. I noticed she had a lot of comments on there so of course like the good creeper I am I read through them. One of the comments threw me. It congratulated her on not showing yet, it said how proud she was of her and how she will be so cute when she finally shows around 6 months.

I immediately went and stood in the mirror. I was only 12 weeks and my bump was bigger than hers- what had I done wrong? was I supposed to be smaller? As soon as my irrational thoughts began to leave my mind anger took over. What I realized in that moment is that absolutely nothing is wrong with me. I like her, was one my 2nd pregnancy. Most women show sooner with their 2nd. I hadn't gained any weight- my body was simply shifting everything around. And what this woman did was shame myself and every other pregnant woman for showing "too soon". In her mind that must mean that woman is unhealthy, eating poorly, not exercising and being careless.

Why do we do this to each other? Why do women think it is socially acceptable to judge another woman on her looks? On her pregnancy? On her clothes? her makeup? Etc... All that does is make other women feel shame. Shame leads to fear and that is the opposite of how I want to live my life.

When we allow people to shame us we start to look at all the things in our lives that can be seen as "wrong". We ignore the good things in our lives and let fear take over. One of the best things we can teach other women is that being open and vulnerable allows us to believe in who we are and that we are worthy of living a beautiful and fulfilled life.

I encourage all women to stop themselves when they start to look at the woman next to them and think something is wrong with her appearance, how she is parenting or the choices she is making and instead think of how amazing it is that we are all different, we are all capable of living our lives beautifully and we are all children of God just trying to get by in this world.

"Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together" -Brene Brown

15 weeks and beautiful

And a Little Child Shall Lead Them

Isaiah 11:6-9

The world shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze, their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put its hand on the adder's den. They will not hurt or destroy on all my holy mountain; for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea. 

This  morning as Henry and I were getting ready to go to daycare he brought several of his cars to me. He handed them to me and said "I want to take these". I told them that he needed to leave them at home because he wouldn't want to lose any of them. He said to me very matter of fact "No, I share with my friends". I looked at him a little perplexed and said "You are going to share your cars with your friends?" "Yes, one for Asher, one for Isaac, one for Brooke and one for Noah. They take their cars home. Merry Christmas". I almost cried. My precious yet quite possessive child was going to give to his most treasured toys to his friends for Christmas. We went on to daycare and believe it or not, he walked in and passed out a car to each friend saying "Merry Christmas".

 Paul and I talk to Henry all the time about sharing and giving to others. However, if you even try to come between him and his matchbox cars you are looking for a fight. So where did this come from? When did my child learn that giving to others and sharing is one of the most valuable lessons of life and what Christmas is truly about?

In the book of Isaiah, he is telling of his prophecy. What he knows will happen and how it will happen. The world at this time was at war, people were not worshiping God in the way that God intended and the message that God sent was not being received in the way God had hoped. They desperately needed a Savior, someone to come and teach them the truth about God and to share the Gospel. But a child? A tiny little baby? How was a child supposed to lead them to the Kingdom of Heaven? How as a child supposed to teach them right from wrong? How was a child supposed to spread the word of God?

Jesus comes into this world a tiny baby. Born to a young mother and father that had to be scared out of their minds. I am not sure how many times an angel could tell me "Do not be afraid" for me to not be scared! I would imagine they were terrified but they truly believed the child they would parent would be the worlds' Savior. And they knew how to be his parents. How to love him, nurture him and allow him to be himself so that he may spread the Good News.

Jesus brought hope, peace, love and joy to a broken world. He shared his Gospel and through his love and sacrifice created a place for all of us to experience this even today. And this did not start when he was a young man, it started the moment he came into this world; as a tiny baby, a little soul that would lead the world to peace.

"A little child shall lead them"

This morning, Henry reminded me of the importance of Christmas. I saw the joy, hope, peace and love in his tiny little face. My child, MY CHILD, was leading me this morning to a place of hope. That even when the world seems out on control, our lives seem to be in utter chaos and we can't quite figure out how to get it all together; our children remind of us that it is all possible. That we can be people of God; people that give to one another, people that spread the Good News and people that believe in Christmas.

God bless all the tiny children in this world and allow us to open our hearts and minds so that they may lead us to a place of hope, peace, love and joy.

Merry Christmas.

The Magic of Christmas

This is the first year that Henry seems to kind of understand what Christmas is. It has been so much fun watching him run out of his room every morning to find the elf, staring at the tree and yelling "Christmas" and talking with him about what it all actually means. I see the light and joy in his eyes and I remember the feeling I had when I was a kid at Christmas. 

I have started to wonder where that magic goes. Why as adults do we focus so much on the material side of the holiday and not the spiritual? Why do we allow ourselves to be come so over focused on our jobs and shopping that we lose the significance of the season? And when does this happen? 

I can remember being in 8th grade and writing an article for the school paper about just believing in Santa Claus. I didn't believe anymore but I was still longing for the magic of Christmas I had as a young child. I wrote about believing even when we don't believe anymore and the joy that comes every year. At some point I even lost that. I find myself searching for it every year and seeing the joy in my own child's eyes is what brings me closer. 

Christmas is the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Jesus. If you go through the Bible and read the history you can note that the world was falling a part. God tried over and over again to show his people the way to live their lives by faith. The people continue to get it wrong and God continues to try again. Eventually God came down in the form of his only son, Jesus. The birth of Jesus is a symbol of hope, promise and peace for our world. We celebrate it everywhere by the giving and receiving of gifts to the ones we love.  

As a society we put so much emphasis on the material side. We spend hours shopping, researching and searching for the "perfect" gift, only to give it on Christmas Day and often times see the lack of excitement on our loved ones' face. We experience disappointment,stress and anxiety over it all. And for what? Is that really how we celebrate Jesus' birth?

I told Paul that Christmas was going to be different for me this year, that I was going to make an effort to be more focused on the religious side than the present side. (Don't worry family, you are all getting presents!) I have started asking Henry why we get presents on Christmas. He finally started saying back to me "It's Jesus' birthday! We get presents!" We talk about the Christmas story almost daily and I remind him that the elf is there to tell Santa that he is such a nice guy, full of kindness and joy. I tell him that he is the hope I see in the world. That the reason why I celebrate Christmas is not because of presents, it is because of him and the promise that a child brings. 

Our world is falling a part right now. We are in desperate need of hope, peace love and joy. I encourage everyone this Christmas season to seek that out. Go find the thing that brings you closer to God and stronger in your faith journey. Go find the thing that brings you hope, peace, love and joy.