During this Lenten season I have been participating in a Lenten photo challenge. Each day is assigned a word and I find a photo that describes what that word means to me and share it on Facebook. Today's word is "JOYFUL".
It is an interesting word for today. Well for me it is. Today is my dad's birthday. His 60th birthday and while I often find myself mourning and overwhelmed with anxiety on days like today, today I am choosing to be joyful.
The Lenten season for me is about transformation and renewal. About being about to find a way to move past the pain and hurt from the year and years past and toward a future that has promise of light, hope and love. It is much easier said than done but for some reason this year has felt very different to me.
I constantly feel God's presence in my life. I see God when I am nursing my sweet baby girl in the middle of the night. I see God when Henry is driving me absolutely crazy but just being himself, the way he was created. I see God in the faces and hospital rooms of the people I visit. I see God in the mourning, in the grieving, in the broken.
If you are just able to open your heart and your mind to it you will be amazed at how God works in your life. Bringing you joy, comfort, grace and love.
The highlight of my day today was seeing Henry during his swimming lessons. Henry is not the best at listening but loves to swim and tries really hard. Last week they were told to bring goggles. Today we swam with confidence and his teacher had all the other kids watch him so they could see how to do certain things. I was extremely proud of him. He got out of the pool and said "Mom, did you see? I paid attention!" I said "I am so proud of you Henry. You are such a good swimmer." His response (very loudly while throwing his arms in the air) "WOOHOO".
Being joyful is possible, even when you expect to be sad. Seeing God in the hurt and pain is possible even when you can't imagine that God is present. Being open to the transformation that God can bring to your life is also possible, even if you don't understand why you would need it.
I challenge everyone to find ways they see joy in their day, joy in the darkness and joy in the beauty. It is all around just waiting to be seen.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
My Rock
As I am sure you are all aware, the winter months are not my favorite. Death happens in the winter months for my family. I blogged in January that I was going to embrace winter and not let the fear of death hold me back. Within a month I lost two grandparents. I still have 2 living grandparents and know how lucky I am to have had all four for 31 years. Yet, it is still hard. February is when my dad died, December is when my cousin Skylar died and now January and February will be when I lost my grandparents.
Grief comes at you in moments that you least expect it. My Aunt Becky calls them "grief bursts" and that they are. You can be in the middle of the grocery store and just start crying, in a meeting and realize all of a sudden that the only person you want to talk to isn't there or it can be while rocking your sweet baby to sleep realizing that she will never know her Nana.
On Sunday, our Minister, Nanette, preached on Exodus 33
"See there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by, then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back but my face will not be seen"
I could go in to great detail about what is happening here but essentially God is telling Moses that he is his rock and he will place him in the cleft of the rock to protect him and his people.
Nanette's sermon was beautiful and she talked about our faith being the rock in which we build our foundation. She also preached on who your rock is. Who in your life is the person that comes in through the back door, the one that picks you up when you are grieving and knows exactly what to do to help you without even being asked. Her sermon was beautiful and I sat there thinking about Paul, my mom, my sister and some of my friends. The people that know me, that get me, that literally come in and do what I need done when I feeling the most anxious, when I am grieving and when I just need a person.
That night I dreamt about my dad. Dreams about my dad tend to be sweet and comforting. However, this one wasn't. It was the day of his death but it wasn't how it happened. It was different. The images of this dream have been running through my mind since I woke up yesterday morning. In this dream we begged him not to die. We pleaded with him. He kept asking for us to let him go and we would say no. We would tell him that we needed him and that he was the best person in our lives and that he couldn't leave us. But he kept asking for us to let him go. He said at one point that his parents were there waiting for him and he just needed to die.
I woke up distraught and anxious. The day before, I had listened to Nanette preach about who your rock is, who helps you when you need it the most. I could identify those people in my life yet there is one person that I can no longer put in that category. My dad.
My dad was the rock of our family. He was the one that we all went to for advice. The first person I would call when something big happened. The one I would just call to chat with. I long for those times and hold onto the memories so dearly.
I don't believe that my dream was saying to "let him go". I will never let him go but I think it was telling me that my anxiety, my grief and loss are a part of who I am. However, I can't let them define me. The rock of my faith is what I need to focus on. The people that support me no matter what are who I need to focus on. I have to let go of the fact that I will never see him again unless in my dreams or one day when I join him in eternity.
Many days my anxiety gets the best of me, especially lately. Yet, I believe that God is my rock. That my faith continues to get me through this and that there are people in my life that I can rely on when I just need someone to tell me it is going to be ok.
It is important on this journey of life to have those people and to be able to let go of those ones that are no longer physically present and the people that don't offer you the support that you need. Letting go of my father doesn't mean I won't talk to him everyday, or ask him for help or advice. It just means that I can recognize he is no longer physically here and that I am okay and I have people in my life that will support me and hold me up.
At the end of the dream, I held my father and said "you were the best father in the world. I will always love you" He smiled at me and then I woke up.
My anxiety and grief often get the best of me and probably always will but I know God is my rock and I know I have the people I need to get through it.
Grief comes at you in moments that you least expect it. My Aunt Becky calls them "grief bursts" and that they are. You can be in the middle of the grocery store and just start crying, in a meeting and realize all of a sudden that the only person you want to talk to isn't there or it can be while rocking your sweet baby to sleep realizing that she will never know her Nana.
On Sunday, our Minister, Nanette, preached on Exodus 33
"See there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by, then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back but my face will not be seen"
I could go in to great detail about what is happening here but essentially God is telling Moses that he is his rock and he will place him in the cleft of the rock to protect him and his people.
Nanette's sermon was beautiful and she talked about our faith being the rock in which we build our foundation. She also preached on who your rock is. Who in your life is the person that comes in through the back door, the one that picks you up when you are grieving and knows exactly what to do to help you without even being asked. Her sermon was beautiful and I sat there thinking about Paul, my mom, my sister and some of my friends. The people that know me, that get me, that literally come in and do what I need done when I feeling the most anxious, when I am grieving and when I just need a person.
That night I dreamt about my dad. Dreams about my dad tend to be sweet and comforting. However, this one wasn't. It was the day of his death but it wasn't how it happened. It was different. The images of this dream have been running through my mind since I woke up yesterday morning. In this dream we begged him not to die. We pleaded with him. He kept asking for us to let him go and we would say no. We would tell him that we needed him and that he was the best person in our lives and that he couldn't leave us. But he kept asking for us to let him go. He said at one point that his parents were there waiting for him and he just needed to die.
I woke up distraught and anxious. The day before, I had listened to Nanette preach about who your rock is, who helps you when you need it the most. I could identify those people in my life yet there is one person that I can no longer put in that category. My dad.
My dad was the rock of our family. He was the one that we all went to for advice. The first person I would call when something big happened. The one I would just call to chat with. I long for those times and hold onto the memories so dearly.
I don't believe that my dream was saying to "let him go". I will never let him go but I think it was telling me that my anxiety, my grief and loss are a part of who I am. However, I can't let them define me. The rock of my faith is what I need to focus on. The people that support me no matter what are who I need to focus on. I have to let go of the fact that I will never see him again unless in my dreams or one day when I join him in eternity.
Many days my anxiety gets the best of me, especially lately. Yet, I believe that God is my rock. That my faith continues to get me through this and that there are people in my life that I can rely on when I just need someone to tell me it is going to be ok.
It is important on this journey of life to have those people and to be able to let go of those ones that are no longer physically present and the people that don't offer you the support that you need. Letting go of my father doesn't mean I won't talk to him everyday, or ask him for help or advice. It just means that I can recognize he is no longer physically here and that I am okay and I have people in my life that will support me and hold me up.
At the end of the dream, I held my father and said "you were the best father in the world. I will always love you" He smiled at me and then I woke up.
My anxiety and grief often get the best of me and probably always will but I know God is my rock and I know I have the people I need to get through it.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
My Grandma's Kitchen Table
I have so many memories around my Grandma's kitchen table. Thanksgiving dinners, fried chicken for days, eating Dairy Queen with Grandpa, playing games with my cousins, watching as our parents talked for hours....
A kitchen table is where the heart of the family is and ours was no exception. My parents told me stories of late nights sitting up playing cards around that table and laughing until it hurt. I can remember as a child sitting there while my Grandma was in the kitchen (I swear she lived in there) watching her cook and talking with her.
While some families may say "everything happens around the kitchen table" that was very true in the Leitnaker family. This particular table was my Grandpa's parents and now sits in my sister's house. It's nothing fancy but it holds so many memories. I can only imagine the laughter, tears and memories that have been made around it.
We lost my Grandma today. 4 weeks to the day that my Grandpa passed away. Like many women, my Grandma was the heart of the family. She was what kept us all together for so many years. She taught all of us girls how to cook, sew and be a mom. She taught her sons and grandsons how to treat their wives and daughters. And most importantly she taught us about the love of family.
I have written before about the how strong of a bond our family has and I can honestly say that I give all that credit to her. Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer breaks were all spent at her house. 16 of us would cram into their tiny 3 bedroom home. Somehow we made it work and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.
But the kitchen is where I most remember my Grandma. No matter how hard they struggled she always put dinner on the table. Dinner was the heart of the family and we all knew that. No one could cook like my Grandma. No one could make fried chicken like her.... well except MAYBE her sister, Betsy... but I will let them figure that one out!
Grandma would spend endless hours in the kitchen and she always sampled as she ate. All good cooks know that you don't follow a recipe, you learn from tasting. That is something I learned from her. I can remember her making sure all of us were fed before she ever got a plate and when she did finally eat it was barely anything. She would always say she ate it all while she cooked!
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 10 years ago. I can remember the devastation that came when her sons realized it was time for them to leave their house. My Grandma was the caretaker, she made the meals and took care of Grandpa. And since she wasn't able to anymore it was time for them to move.
That weekend was so hard. My Grandpa sat at the kitchen table most of the day, angry that he had to lose his home. But I honestly believe it was more than that. He had lost his wife to a horrible disease. No longer would they sit around that table and have their family come over. No longer would they enjoy a bowl of ice cream after EACH meal- at least not ice cream that he picked from his deep freeze.
Losing a loved one to Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things I have ever seen. Yet, somehow through it all Grandma remained Grandma. She survived longer than most do and I truly believe that it was so she could continue to be the care taker of my Grandpa and her children. Even if she couldn't do that physically and mentally she was still there as someone that loved them and cared for them.
My Grandpa passed 4 weeks ago and since then Grandma started to decline. I believe that my dad and Grandpa called her home today. She was finally able to let go so that she could take care of them eternally.
My Grandma was an amazing woman. Last night I was able to go see her with my mom and sister. We prayed, sang Amazing Grace and laughed. We knew that she was there. We knew that she was with us. I leaned over to her at one point and said "Just go, just go. Your baby and Grandpa are waiting for you. We are OK."
I believe her journey was beautiful and I believe it was peaceful. And I believe with my whole heart that she is now with my dad, my Grandpa and her sister sitting around the kitchen table eating fried chicken and laughing.
Bless you, Grandma. May you always know how much you taught me about love, life and the importance of a kitchen table.
A kitchen table is where the heart of the family is and ours was no exception. My parents told me stories of late nights sitting up playing cards around that table and laughing until it hurt. I can remember as a child sitting there while my Grandma was in the kitchen (I swear she lived in there) watching her cook and talking with her.
While some families may say "everything happens around the kitchen table" that was very true in the Leitnaker family. This particular table was my Grandpa's parents and now sits in my sister's house. It's nothing fancy but it holds so many memories. I can only imagine the laughter, tears and memories that have been made around it.
We lost my Grandma today. 4 weeks to the day that my Grandpa passed away. Like many women, my Grandma was the heart of the family. She was what kept us all together for so many years. She taught all of us girls how to cook, sew and be a mom. She taught her sons and grandsons how to treat their wives and daughters. And most importantly she taught us about the love of family.
I have written before about the how strong of a bond our family has and I can honestly say that I give all that credit to her. Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer breaks were all spent at her house. 16 of us would cram into their tiny 3 bedroom home. Somehow we made it work and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.
But the kitchen is where I most remember my Grandma. No matter how hard they struggled she always put dinner on the table. Dinner was the heart of the family and we all knew that. No one could cook like my Grandma. No one could make fried chicken like her.... well except MAYBE her sister, Betsy... but I will let them figure that one out!
Grandma would spend endless hours in the kitchen and she always sampled as she ate. All good cooks know that you don't follow a recipe, you learn from tasting. That is something I learned from her. I can remember her making sure all of us were fed before she ever got a plate and when she did finally eat it was barely anything. She would always say she ate it all while she cooked!
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 10 years ago. I can remember the devastation that came when her sons realized it was time for them to leave their house. My Grandma was the caretaker, she made the meals and took care of Grandpa. And since she wasn't able to anymore it was time for them to move.
That weekend was so hard. My Grandpa sat at the kitchen table most of the day, angry that he had to lose his home. But I honestly believe it was more than that. He had lost his wife to a horrible disease. No longer would they sit around that table and have their family come over. No longer would they enjoy a bowl of ice cream after EACH meal- at least not ice cream that he picked from his deep freeze.
Losing a loved one to Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things I have ever seen. Yet, somehow through it all Grandma remained Grandma. She survived longer than most do and I truly believe that it was so she could continue to be the care taker of my Grandpa and her children. Even if she couldn't do that physically and mentally she was still there as someone that loved them and cared for them.
My Grandpa passed 4 weeks ago and since then Grandma started to decline. I believe that my dad and Grandpa called her home today. She was finally able to let go so that she could take care of them eternally.
My Grandma was an amazing woman. Last night I was able to go see her with my mom and sister. We prayed, sang Amazing Grace and laughed. We knew that she was there. We knew that she was with us. I leaned over to her at one point and said "Just go, just go. Your baby and Grandpa are waiting for you. We are OK."
I believe her journey was beautiful and I believe it was peaceful. And I believe with my whole heart that she is now with my dad, my Grandpa and her sister sitting around the kitchen table eating fried chicken and laughing.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all" -Proverbs 31: 28-29
Bless you, Grandma. May you always know how much you taught me about love, life and the importance of a kitchen table.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Control to be yourSELF
I have been thinking a lot this morning about the fruit of the Spirit. According to Galatians 5:22-23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"
The last one, self-control, is where I am feeling stuck. In this current political climate, I find myself getting into debates in the wee hours of the night while nursing my child. I speak openly about my views on our President and I am not afraid to quote the Bible or the Law to someone that speaks against me.
In the back of my mind I hear I voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you can't be political" then I hear another voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you HAVE to stand up for people". How do you do one without the other? How do I practice self-control while still being loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, faithful and gentle?
Matthew 25: "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him saying 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the Kind will answer them 'truly, I tell you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me'"
Those words right there say it all for me. We are to feed those that are hungry, welcome people that are not like us, give of our possessions and clothing to those that need it, help people that have lost their way...
So how can I not say something? How can I not respond when people are for cutting healthcare for millions of people? When people are for taking away reproductive rights for women? When people want to lower taxes for the rich instead of putting more money into federal grants to help the poor? When people want to privatize our education system making it impossible for people in poverty to ever have a chance at a good or equal education?
I think I have been reading the word "self-control" wrong. Self-control typically means to hold yourself back, to not engage in conflict, to conform to what society wants you to be. That is not how God made me and that is not what Jesus came to this world to do. Jesus spoke out against Pharisees, he flipped tables in the synagogue, he touched people that were deemed 'unclean', he healed the sick that no one would talk to. He did all of this in order to show the true way of God and the love, mercy and grace offered.
I believe that self-control really means to have CONTROL to be yourSELF- to not conform to what society wants you to be, to speak up when someone is being oppressed and to allow others to be their authentic selves as well. When we all practice true self-control we become complacent and just accept the reality of what is happening. Can you imagine if Jesus had done that? What would our world look like today?
I don't want to live in a world where I have to silence myself. I want to live in a world where I can use my voice for good. I do acknowledge that I have to also practice kindness, love, peace and faithfulness while being myself. That is the hard part but I believe it is possible through the love and support given to me by the Holy Spirit.
Don't be afraid to be yourself and to use the gifts that God has given you. That is truly what we are all called to do in this world.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"
The last one, self-control, is where I am feeling stuck. In this current political climate, I find myself getting into debates in the wee hours of the night while nursing my child. I speak openly about my views on our President and I am not afraid to quote the Bible or the Law to someone that speaks against me.
In the back of my mind I hear I voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you can't be political" then I hear another voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you HAVE to stand up for people". How do you do one without the other? How do I practice self-control while still being loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, faithful and gentle?
Matthew 25: "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him saying 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the Kind will answer them 'truly, I tell you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me'"
Those words right there say it all for me. We are to feed those that are hungry, welcome people that are not like us, give of our possessions and clothing to those that need it, help people that have lost their way...
So how can I not say something? How can I not respond when people are for cutting healthcare for millions of people? When people are for taking away reproductive rights for women? When people want to lower taxes for the rich instead of putting more money into federal grants to help the poor? When people want to privatize our education system making it impossible for people in poverty to ever have a chance at a good or equal education?
I think I have been reading the word "self-control" wrong. Self-control typically means to hold yourself back, to not engage in conflict, to conform to what society wants you to be. That is not how God made me and that is not what Jesus came to this world to do. Jesus spoke out against Pharisees, he flipped tables in the synagogue, he touched people that were deemed 'unclean', he healed the sick that no one would talk to. He did all of this in order to show the true way of God and the love, mercy and grace offered.
I believe that self-control really means to have CONTROL to be yourSELF- to not conform to what society wants you to be, to speak up when someone is being oppressed and to allow others to be their authentic selves as well. When we all practice true self-control we become complacent and just accept the reality of what is happening. Can you imagine if Jesus had done that? What would our world look like today?
I don't want to live in a world where I have to silence myself. I want to live in a world where I can use my voice for good. I do acknowledge that I have to also practice kindness, love, peace and faithfulness while being myself. That is the hard part but I believe it is possible through the love and support given to me by the Holy Spirit.
Don't be afraid to be yourself and to use the gifts that God has given you. That is truly what we are all called to do in this world.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
My Family Has A Song
Our family has a song. And I don't just mean my immediate family, I mean the entire Leitnaker family. "Bright Side of the Road" by Van Morrison has been a staple in our homes my entire life.
I have memories of listening to it in my parents Aerostar van on cassette while my dad played the air sax and sang every word.
At all our weddings the Leitnaker family will invite the new family on to the dance floor to join in our song.
I can remember my dad's 40th birthday party and I was probably supposed to be in bed but instead I was standing at the living room window watching my dad and his brothers dance with their wives to our song.
When my dad passed away the song played as we left the sanctuary. We all clapped and sang as loud as we could.
Then today it played again at my Grandpa's funeral as his family left the sanctuary and said goodbye to the man that made us family.
This song is more than just a song. It is an anthem. It defines who we are as a family and truly says that despite everything and what we go through there is a "Bright Side of the Road"
We honored my grandpa today. We sat in the church that he and my Grandma so loved. We listened to many songs that spoke to who he was as a person and his love for God. We cried, we laughed and we danced to our song.
Over the years, it has become more and more apparent to me how important family is. Especially my family. We are the lucky ones. We have a bond that is incredibly strong. My Grandparents raised their three boys to always put family first. And they raised their children the same way. As we stood in the cemetery today, my cousin Matt put it best "It is because of them that we are this lucky".
We are beyond blessed and our love continues to grow with each new baby that is born and with each person that passes. We know our love is eternal and we know that somewhere in the beyond my dad and Grandpa are dancing on the bright side of the road.
I have memories of listening to it in my parents Aerostar van on cassette while my dad played the air sax and sang every word.
At all our weddings the Leitnaker family will invite the new family on to the dance floor to join in our song.
I can remember my dad's 40th birthday party and I was probably supposed to be in bed but instead I was standing at the living room window watching my dad and his brothers dance with their wives to our song.
When my dad passed away the song played as we left the sanctuary. We all clapped and sang as loud as we could.
Then today it played again at my Grandpa's funeral as his family left the sanctuary and said goodbye to the man that made us family.
This song is more than just a song. It is an anthem. It defines who we are as a family and truly says that despite everything and what we go through there is a "Bright Side of the Road"
We honored my grandpa today. We sat in the church that he and my Grandma so loved. We listened to many songs that spoke to who he was as a person and his love for God. We cried, we laughed and we danced to our song.
Over the years, it has become more and more apparent to me how important family is. Especially my family. We are the lucky ones. We have a bond that is incredibly strong. My Grandparents raised their three boys to always put family first. And they raised their children the same way. As we stood in the cemetery today, my cousin Matt put it best "It is because of them that we are this lucky".
We are beyond blessed and our love continues to grow with each new baby that is born and with each person that passes. We know our love is eternal and we know that somewhere in the beyond my dad and Grandpa are dancing on the bright side of the road.
"Into this life we're born
Baby sometimes, sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of an eye
Baby sometimes, sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of an eye
Let's enjoy it while we can (let's enjoy it while we can)
Won't you help me share my load (help me share my load)
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road"
Won't you help me share my load (help me share my load)
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road"
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Winter again
It is snowing today. Henry woke up and ran to the window as soon as I told him it snowed. He had such wonder in his eyes. Asking so many questions "Why does it snow?" "Why is it cold" and telling me "Mom, we can't drive on it b/c it isn't safe". I assured him that the snow plows would be out and we would be fine. Today was his first day back to school since Christmas and this mama was making sure he went!
Off we went. We ventured into the snow. Sliding and skidding down the highway eventually arriving to our destination an hour later. The whole way there, I tried to hide my anxiety of driving in the snow and the overall fear that winter and snow bring to my life.
I am sitting here wondering at what point does the wonder and magic of snow turn into despair, anger and anxiety for adults? Is is when we start to drive? Is it when it starts to cancel plans we had that we actually wanted to do? Or is it because it reminds us of things that happened in our lives that bring up fear, anxiety and heartache?
Bad things seem to happen in the winter. At least in my world they do. Skyler died during and ice storm. My dad died during a blizzard. My best friends brother died in mid-January. My sister got in a 5 car pile up in my dad's car due to snow. I got rear ended with Henry in the car in the snow...the list goes on and on.
Every year around this time the anxiety of what this winter will bring starts to set in. My initial thought is always "Who's next?" What horrible news will I get- it's snowing, that means something bad is going to happen. For many years fear has driven me to stay put. To not go out in this mess, to not answer the phone, to not allow myself to escape from my cocoon of comfort in order to protect myself from the dark and scary world that I have come to know.
Yet today, I am sitting here angry that I allowed fear to drive me for so many years. As the winter months come, I always try to mentally prepare myself for what it means. Death and sorrow. But why? Death can happen at anytime- there is probably a statistic that says it is more likely in the summer months but in my life it happens in the winter.
Today I choose to not live in fear.
Today I choose to tell myself over and over and over again that I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Meant to live a life without regret. Meant to live in the present moment and to not look toward what COULD be a dark and scary future.
Today I will allow myself to enjoy the snow. To embrace the beauty around me and to remember that winter is not just about death and despair. There is beauty and life there too.
That is the reminder that God brings to us when we celebrate Christmas and all the weeks to follow. We are reminded that in the dark there is light. That as people of God we are meant to live life abundantly and without worry and fear. It isn't always easy and of course I continue to worry on a daily basis. But not today. Not about the snow. Not about the unknown and not about what the winter months will bring.
Today I choose to live my life and to embrace the beauty and many blessings in it.
That is the reminder that God brings to us when we celebrate Christmas and all the weeks to follow. We are reminded that in the dark there is light. That as people of God we are meant to live life abundantly and without worry and fear. It isn't always easy and of course I continue to worry on a daily basis. But not today. Not about the snow. Not about the unknown and not about what the winter months will bring.
Today I choose to live my life and to embrace the beauty and many blessings in it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
9 years later
Christmas has always been magical for my family. Ever since I was a child my Nani would start sending letters in June asking if we knew when Christmas was and that we better be at her house December 24th for Christmas. Christmas was spent eating a huge curry dinner, singing carols (sometimes even caroling although that was mostly my Dad and Paige singing while the rest of us stood there because we are tone deaf), opening our Christmas pajamas, Nani reading us the Night Before Christmas and us kids being tucked in under the stairs to await Christmas morning. When morning came we would run to the top of the stairs and start singing carols as loud as we could until our parents woke up and told us we could come up. Christmas was about family coming together and celebrating the birth of Christ with one another. Nothing could tear that a part and it was often said that anyone who joined our family better like our Christmas or they wouldn't be allowed in.
Dec. 8th 2007 changed our family forever. I was in my apartment when my mom called. She screamed, literally screamed "Skyler's dead". I fell against my book shelf and began shaking. I was supposed to meet my friends, Sunny and Brandon, for dinner. I called Lacy and asked her to let Sunny know I wouldn't be there because my cousin had died. I got in my car and picked up my sister to head to our parent's house. It was sleeting outside and we were terrified to drive but knew we had to be with family. I remember my dad driving us to Lawrence. I remember getting to Becky and Jeff's and it was just silent. No one was talking. No one knew what to do. Our world and our family had forever been changed.
The next few days were a whirlwind. Brittany had to learn of the death of her brother from the Chaplain at her college, an encounter that will always haunt her. We had to stand by and watch Brittany, Becky and Jeff pretend to be "ok". We went to a visitation, a funeral and a candlelight vigil. We did all this because it was expected and what you were supposed to do. We had Christmas. We had a "normal" Christmas. It was awful. We tried to act like we were okay, like our world hadn't just been shattered. We tried to act like Christmas was going to make things better, we were fools.
The death of my cousin changed us all and forever changed the dynamic of the magical day that we had all loved as children. We went 6 years attempting to celebrate Christmas the way we always had as children. We slept under the stairs, or in the hotel that Nani and Nana got for us. We sang songs at the top of the stairs, Nani read the Christmas story, we had our curry dinner and spent the day as a family. But it was never the same. Christmas was now filled with grief and no matter how hard we tried it was always there.
In 2014 we celebrated Christmas with another family member missing, my dad. He died the Feb. prior and the thought of celebrating Christmas with another person from the family missing created so much anxiety in all of us. That year we rented a huge bed and breakfast. Maybe just maybe if we changed venues no one would know that people were missing... wrong. We knew. The next year Paige and I rocked the family when we asked to split. We both had children and husbands. We both wanted our kids to experience the Christmas of our childhood and at their Nani's. It was a disaster.
Here we are 9 years later. 9 years after our family changed about to celebrate another Christmas. Only this year we are really changing things. For the first time, my Aunt and Uncle are choosing to attempt to enjoy their Christmas. They are going to the ocean, where they find happiness and peace. My family will be at my mom's new house, where we will begin new family traditions with our family and offer hope to our children that the magic of Christmas is still there.
The Christmas of my childhood brought so much joy to my life. I will cherish those memories as I attempt to pass them on to my own children. Loss and grief can change a family forever. It hangs over the days that are supposed to be the happiest and causes an emptiness that is impossible to fill. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to pretend things are the same like we did for all those years. You have to embrace what life throws at you, even when it is the unimaginable. You have to find a way to hold your grief as a part of you. A part of who you are. It is isn't something to run away from because when you do that things will blow up in your face.
Christmas is a time to remember that Jesus was born to save a dark and broken world. Jesus was born to comfort the grieving, offer hope in the darkest of moments and to be present in our lives even when we feel the loneliest.
This Christmas, I hope to offer hope and light to those around me. I hope to show my children that even when things are different and people are gone, we can still be a family and embrace one another for who they are and what they bring to this world.
To my sweet Skyler and loving dad; we miss you. We wish you here were with us this Christmas and all the days after. We wish you were here to see our babies growing and watch as we all find our places in this world. We know you see all of it and that you are in a far better place than we can ever imagine but know this- this Christmas we choose to be happy. This Christmas we choose to embrace our grief and not allow it to hold us back. This Christmas we will continue the traditions that you so loved and go to the places that truly bring us peace and joy. We love you both and miss you more than you can know.
Dec. 8th 2007 changed our family forever. I was in my apartment when my mom called. She screamed, literally screamed "Skyler's dead". I fell against my book shelf and began shaking. I was supposed to meet my friends, Sunny and Brandon, for dinner. I called Lacy and asked her to let Sunny know I wouldn't be there because my cousin had died. I got in my car and picked up my sister to head to our parent's house. It was sleeting outside and we were terrified to drive but knew we had to be with family. I remember my dad driving us to Lawrence. I remember getting to Becky and Jeff's and it was just silent. No one was talking. No one knew what to do. Our world and our family had forever been changed.
The next few days were a whirlwind. Brittany had to learn of the death of her brother from the Chaplain at her college, an encounter that will always haunt her. We had to stand by and watch Brittany, Becky and Jeff pretend to be "ok". We went to a visitation, a funeral and a candlelight vigil. We did all this because it was expected and what you were supposed to do. We had Christmas. We had a "normal" Christmas. It was awful. We tried to act like we were okay, like our world hadn't just been shattered. We tried to act like Christmas was going to make things better, we were fools.
The death of my cousin changed us all and forever changed the dynamic of the magical day that we had all loved as children. We went 6 years attempting to celebrate Christmas the way we always had as children. We slept under the stairs, or in the hotel that Nani and Nana got for us. We sang songs at the top of the stairs, Nani read the Christmas story, we had our curry dinner and spent the day as a family. But it was never the same. Christmas was now filled with grief and no matter how hard we tried it was always there.
In 2014 we celebrated Christmas with another family member missing, my dad. He died the Feb. prior and the thought of celebrating Christmas with another person from the family missing created so much anxiety in all of us. That year we rented a huge bed and breakfast. Maybe just maybe if we changed venues no one would know that people were missing... wrong. We knew. The next year Paige and I rocked the family when we asked to split. We both had children and husbands. We both wanted our kids to experience the Christmas of our childhood and at their Nani's. It was a disaster.
Here we are 9 years later. 9 years after our family changed about to celebrate another Christmas. Only this year we are really changing things. For the first time, my Aunt and Uncle are choosing to attempt to enjoy their Christmas. They are going to the ocean, where they find happiness and peace. My family will be at my mom's new house, where we will begin new family traditions with our family and offer hope to our children that the magic of Christmas is still there.
The Christmas of my childhood brought so much joy to my life. I will cherish those memories as I attempt to pass them on to my own children. Loss and grief can change a family forever. It hangs over the days that are supposed to be the happiest and causes an emptiness that is impossible to fill. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to pretend things are the same like we did for all those years. You have to embrace what life throws at you, even when it is the unimaginable. You have to find a way to hold your grief as a part of you. A part of who you are. It is isn't something to run away from because when you do that things will blow up in your face.
Christmas is a time to remember that Jesus was born to save a dark and broken world. Jesus was born to comfort the grieving, offer hope in the darkest of moments and to be present in our lives even when we feel the loneliest.
This Christmas, I hope to offer hope and light to those around me. I hope to show my children that even when things are different and people are gone, we can still be a family and embrace one another for who they are and what they bring to this world.
To my sweet Skyler and loving dad; we miss you. We wish you here were with us this Christmas and all the days after. We wish you were here to see our babies growing and watch as we all find our places in this world. We know you see all of it and that you are in a far better place than we can ever imagine but know this- this Christmas we choose to be happy. This Christmas we choose to embrace our grief and not allow it to hold us back. This Christmas we will continue the traditions that you so loved and go to the places that truly bring us peace and joy. We love you both and miss you more than you can know.
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