Blessed are you

I was able to be in my garden a few times this week.  Being in my garden is one of the places I feel the closest to God.  I can be pulling weeds, digging in the dirt or planting flowers and no matter how short amount of time I get I still feel peace.

I feel connected and I feel blessed. 

The other place I go to feel this connection is to scripture.  

Over the years I have learned that certain passages will come to you at times you least expect and at times when great hurt is going on in our lives and world. Monday I woke up, made my coffee and turned on Good morning America. It has become my favorite thing to do in the mornings even if children are running around demanding things.  

Yet, Monday wasn't a normal day.  I woke up to the headline "At least 50 dead and 500 wounded in the largest mass shooting in the history of the United States" We know now that number increased to 59, including the shooter, dead.  

My heart sank but at the same time it felt 'normal'. I wasn't surprised that it happened and that stung me.  How can I not be shocked?  How could I not be more consumed with grief for those that lost their lives?  

That came later as I processed the shooting but my initial reaction was "it happened again, what next?" Scripture came to me that day.  Scripture that is very known to most of us and is something that spoke to me differently than it ever had. 

The beatitudes set a stage for the entire ministry of Jesus-  they talk about humility, meekness, hungering for God in our lives, peace, justice and being persecuted for your believes.  

But here is the thing that strikes me the most about them- they are not instructions on how to live out your live as people of God, no, they are exclamations.  Jesus is telling his followers that if you have God in your heart these things will also be in your heart and you will like a life that is humble, that thirst for more God, that is peaceful, that fights for justice and that stands up when being persecuted.  

The three that spoke to me the most this week are probably the obvious ones-  

blessed are those who mourn,  

blessed are the peacemakers  

and blessed are those that are persecuted 

Blessed are those who mourn.  

Have you heard the phrase- grief is the price of love? "For God so loved the earth he gave his only son"  God loved us all so much that Jesus came into our world to minister the lost and lowly, to offer love, grace and mercy to all of God's people not just the ones that they all at the time believed deserved it.  

And God mourned for the loss of Jesus, God mourned for all of us, for we were so loved the ultimate sacrifice was made.  

I've experienced grief in my life but I can't imagine the grief that people felt the day of the shooting.  

The sheer terror of- is my love one dead?  

Did they make it out?  

Why aren't they answering the phone?  

59 people killed, 500 plus wounded.  

And I want to point out that I do include the shooter in that number because that was also a life lost, a child of God that strayed away at some point in his life. His life mattered- and we are taught that through the teachings of Jesus Christ.  

Grief is the price we pay for love.  

When tragedy strikes our lives we often shut down.  We close ourselves off to the possibility of love with others because it is a way to protect ourselves, a way to put on a shield in order to not have to grieve again.  

But life doesn't work that way.  We are human.  We love.  And if we open ourselves up to the possibility of having God in our lives and the holy spirit present with us while we are grieving we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing more love in our lives through the grace and mercy offered to us by God.  

Blessed are those who mourn- for they know the true price of love.  

Peace. Blessed are the peace makers.  

Now before you get too worried, I am not going to preach today about gun control and your 2nd amendment right.  That isn't what I am going for.  I do believe that we all have the right to bear arms as long as we are of sound mind and keep them locked up out of the reach of those that should not have access to weapons; children, people who don't know how to use them and those that would use them to harm others.  

I am married to a Lieutenant in the Johnson County Sheriff's office so it is a given that there are guns in our home.  My dad and grandfathers were hunters so I grew up around guns. 

However, I never had a desire to use them. So I never knew where they were stored or if I did they were locked up and I didn’t have the code to the gun safe for obvious reasons.  Gun violence is so common in our world that people are becoming complacent to it however Jesus is asking us live a life of peace- a life of non-violence. He displays this even in his final days as he is being arrested. Jesus tells Peter to put down his sword. To not fight what is happening. He is living out non-violence even as he knows what is going to happen to him. 

So how do we do that?  

When a mass shooting happens we all say "I pray for the lives lost"  And while prayer is important it isn't enough.  Jesus is calling us into action to promote peace in our homes, our lives and our world.

  

One of the most common phrases in the Bible and the most misinterpreted is "turn the other cheek".  

What many people do not know is that phrase is actually a sign of resistance to an oppressor.  At the time of Jesus, striking someone deemed to be of a lower class with the back of the hand was used to assert authority and dominance. If the persecuted person "turned the other cheek," the discipliner was faced with a dilemma. The left hand was used for unclean purposes, so a back-hand strike on the opposite cheek would not be performed. The other alternative would be a slap with the open hand as a challenge or to punch the person, but this was seen as a statement of equality. Thus, they argue, by turning the other cheek the persecuted was in effect demanding equality..  

Demanding equality in a time where oppression was everywhere people looked.  

Of course we don’t have to worry about that now, do we?  We are all equal, no one is oppressed and our lives are all deemed to be as valuable as the next.... I hope you can sense the sarcasm in my voice.  

In order to turn the other cheek today we all have to recognize our own privilege.  All of us in this room are white, we are all likely middle to upper class, live in Johnson County, KS and have likely lived a life of privilege in comparison to other people in our community.  

Recognizing your own privilege is the first step to living a life of action, a life of peace.  

When we are able to do this we are able to live out this beatitude by offering equality to all of God's people.  

At our church we offer a peace academy twice a year for children ages kindergarten-5th grade.  During this peace academy children learn about racism, bullying, diversity, and equality.  They learn how to be an 'upstander' vs a 'bystander'.  These children are practicing peace every day.  They are taught to sit with the kid at lunch that no one will sit with.  To befriend the new kid.  To talk to kids that maybe don't look like them or aren’t from the same type of family as them.  

And here's the thing- they actually do it.  

They live their lives as upstanders, a life of peace, combating those that put others down and living as Jesus calls us to- in action.  

We all need to strive to be like these children.  

To recognize that our world is not equal and we have to stand up for those being oppressed.  

We have to live out peace by being in action in our everyday lives. By talking to each other about hate, racism, bullying and equality. As Christians this is what we are supposed to be doing everyday. It can be hard, it can be daunting but it can be done.  

A colleague and friend of mine, Emily Robnett wrote this earlier this week and it perfectly sums up what I am saying 

"Prayer is two-fold just as faith is two-fold. Faith without works is dead. Prayer without action is dead. A faithful prayer calls us to action; it mobilizes us to movement. As we pray, "your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," we know we are called to take part in making this prayer come into fruition. It is a commission. So it is not either "thoughts and prayers" or "action." It is "thoughts, prayers, AND action." May your will be done, O God. May we grow closer to reflecting your loving, compassionate nature"  

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake.  For centuries Christians have been persecuted for being Christian, for speaking out their faith and for living as followers of Christ.  

In the early church, followers of Christ were imprisoned and told they must change their ways or they will face dire consequences.  As time has gone on there have been wars over faith and groups of people, not just Christians, have been persecuted for simply practicing their faith in a world that refuses to acknowledge our shared oneness and creation by a God that loves all of us.  

Recently I was a coffee shop and was admiring two young girls reading their Bibles and discussing the book of John.  I was in awe that they were in public doing this.  It didn't appear that they were doing it for church or class but simply because they wanted to.  

Realizing that they may think I was judging them for being Christian, I introduced myself and told them how beautiful it was to see them studying the Bible.  They both smiled and thanked me and one girl said "I love the Bible, it’s my favorite thing to read and helps me grow as a Christian".  

I then realized how incredibly heartbreaking it is that we live in a society where we often hide our Christianity.  

We hide our love for Christ because we fear what others may say.  

We fear that we will be persecuted for being "out" as a Christian.  

Christianity has gotten a negative rap in the last few decades.  People professing their Christianity by putting others down, by judging those that don't believe in Christ and by preaching a God that is full of wrath and violence has become the "face" of Christianity.  

But that isn't what God or Christianity is.  As believers of Christ we must stand up to those that persecute us for our beliefs. We can do this in ways that aren’t harmful to others and perhaps in ways that show the love, grace and mercy of Christ to those against us.  And in hope that maybe just maybe they will see a God of love vs hate and want to know more.  

59 people killed. Over 500 people injured.  

Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, blessed are the meek, blessed are those who hunger, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the merciful, blessed are the pure in heart, blessed are the peace makers, blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness. 

Blessed are YOU.  

Each of us in this room is here for a reason.  

Perhaps you have been a Christian and church goer your whole life. Perhaps you simply wanted something to do this evening.  Perhaps you are experiencing hardship or great joy in your life and wanted to be in worship with people that can offer you love, grace and mercy. 

For whatever reason it is, we are all here together.  

Worshipping a God of love.  

Worshipping a God of grace and mercy and worshipping a God that allows us to live out the beatitudes simply by living a life where the holy spirit is in us every day and strengthens our oneness with each other and this world. 

Go forth today knowing you are loved, knowing you are strong and knowing that you are have the ability to live out these exclamations every day. Amen.

Too Fast

Yesterday I had the honor of visiting someone in hospice. His family was there and they were all filled with so much love. This man has been battling the same kind of cancer my grandfather likely has. Our family found out earlier this week that my Nana very likely has bladder cancer.

As I walked into this room yesterday I knew what to expect. I knew that there was a man dying in the room, I knew that there was a grieving wife, children and possibly friends. I have had the priviledge of visiting people at the end of their life now on several occasions and every time I feel such pride to be doing the work that I do. Not everyone gets to pray with someone before they pass and not everyone has the gift to do so.

Turns out I have this gift. The gift of caring for others comes naturally to me. I learned I had this gift in my past career at Rose Brooks. Caring for the women and children just became second nature to me and something I didn't understand how people could not do it.

Yesterday though, yesterday something happened. I learned that this man has the same type of cancer my grandfather has and he was surrounded by a loving, emotional family. It was as though I was peering into what our future could be holding, whenever that may be. That hit me first. I have some more reflection to do on that piece and why I was put in that situation but that is for another blog.

As I talked with this family I could see the love. I could see the devotion and I could see their pain and sadness over what was happening.

Before I left, I asked if I could pray. I grabbed this man's hand and as I did he squeezed tight. He hadn't been responsive in a few hours so this meant something. He knew I was there. He knew God was using me as a vessel to offer him prayer, hope and peace. I prayed a very typical prayer for someone facing death. When I opened my eyes so did he. He hadn't opened his eyes in awhile so this alone was beautiful but then he said two words that I believe will stick with me forever "too fast"

He closed his eyes and continued to lay there. His family all laughed believing that he was saying my prayer was too fast but I think maybe just maybe he was telling me that this life, all of this has gone too fast.

Too fast. My grandmother has told me this many times. That life just goes too fast, to live every moment to it's fullest and to always eat dessert first.

We live in a world where being fast paced, running from one thing to the next and constantly being glued to some kind of technology is expected. It is strange to hear of someone sitting down in silence to read a book, or to simply sit in the quiet because they want to. To me that all sounds boring. Why would I sit in silence when I could be doing dishes or binge watching tv?

Too fast. Life goes too fast. Our wold moves too fast. This is all happening too fast.

Just last week my grandfather had a cat scan. The VERY next day he was scheduled to meet with an urologist. The VERY next business day he was to have it removed. It all felt too fast to me. I knew it probably wasn't good news. As they took us into the conference room after surgery I just knew. The Dr has to send everything to pathology so he doesn't really know what it is BUT he did say that it is likely bladder cancer.

Too fast. It all happened so fast. Life can change in a moment. Our world can change in a moment.

Earlier this week 600 plus lives were changed when a gunman shot over 600 people. 50+ died leaving the rest wounded. It all happened so fast. Too fast. Enjoying a concert one minute and the next running for your life praying that you aren't one of the people hit.

Our world is hurting from this act of violence. Our world is hurting from the natural disasters that are occurring at rapid speed. Our world is hurting from cancer. Our world is hurting from mental illness and our world is hurting because we simply move too fast and don't slow down to see one another. To love one another and to simply be with one another.

I don't know what the next few weeks, months or maybe years hold for my family but I do know that I am making a promise to not move so fast. To be present with my kids, my family and my grandparents. To put my phone down. To pay attention when someone is hurting and to simply be.

I also don't know what will happen in our world next. Something will. Natural disaster, mass shooting, whatever it may be. Something will happen. I don't know what I will do when it does but I do know I will do something. I will care for those around me. I will care for those that are hurt. I will care for those that are not being cared for or being seen. I will open my eyes more to the people that are hurt and crying out within our own community. To offer hope, guidance and grace to them. I will do this within my own ability. I won't do this because I think "I have to". I will do this because this is what we are called to do as disciples as Christ. To love one another. To embrace each others differences and to simply be present with each other. My life doesn't offer as much opportunity for this as it used to but I am going to start to open my eyes, listen to those around me and perhaps slow down a bit so I can offer light and hope to those in my midst. Putting my prayers for others into action is my goal in whatever form that may be.

Too fast. It all happens too fast.

We have one life and one try to get this right. Let's not wait until the end and say "too fast"

This is Life. Happy Anniversary, babe

This morning started out like any other morning. Nothing really special. Paul was getting ready for work, I was chasing our daughter around trying to get her to not eat soap that her dad decided to not put away, turning on cartoons for our son all while trying to get us out the door in time for preschool and work. It was a normal morning.

In the car it dawned on me that today is our 8th wedding anniversary. I called Paul, no answer. Tried to call again awhile later, he answered. We said a quick Happy Anniversary and hung up.

Two hours later he picked me up for our lovely date to visit our new tax man and now hours later I am sitting in the ER with my Grandfather while he gets his pacemaker checked.

This is life. Our messy crazy beautiful life.

8 years ago we made promises to each other. We promised to love each other, to honor each other and to be there together through the best and worst times of life.

8 years later that is what we have done. We have two beautiful children and have been through so much together. The death of my cousin, the death of my father, the marriages of our siblings, the births of our babies and the births of our nieces and nephews.

Our life is been pretty normal, pretty typical and pretty great.

I think the beauty I find in today is that we don't have to have a special day once a year to know that we love each other. We don't have to put a lot of pressure on this one day. Because we celebrate each other every day that we choose to be married to each other.

Marriage is hard. It takes work, it takes patience and it takes a love that will last even through death, even through babies and through a day that doesn't seem like the most romantic way to spend your anniversary but it is a day where you can remember what that love really means.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, Paul Haynes. Happy Anniversary

"Mom, let me tell you a secret"

Secret telling is something we have learned about recently in our home. Typical secrets from Henry are "you're a booger" "you're obnoxious" and so on...normally the things I have said to him in the last hour or so. He laughs hysterically every time he tells you a "secret" and I giggle at the sheer innocence of it all.

Today after I picked him up from his first day of school we were walking down the stairs of the church with Tiffany and her daughter and Henry says "Mom let me tell you a secret" I kind of rolled my eyes because he knew what new phrase or thing he was going to say to me. Then he said it. The secret that I am not allowed to tell anyone ever because this is a secret that is so super top secret that if anyone found out it would ruin everything. (I was told that later in the car)

So shhh.... I am going to let you in on a secret that Henry told me today. I am a super hero. It is true. I heard it from my 4 year old today. He has told me this secret a few other times but mostly when he really wants something. But today, today the secret came out of nowhere. Right there in the stairwell "mom, you're my superhero"

As moms we usually think of ourselves as much less than a super hero. We fail constantly. Just yesterday I said it was a beautiful day because I didn't throw my 4 year old in the trash. I consistently forget to bring diapers places, I am learning that I am a bit scattered at times and don't always have drinks and snacks available at any given moment, I don't keep my house really clean, I shower most days, I scream at my kids when I am feeling inadequate. Most days I feel like it is an accomplishment if we actually put on clothes and got out the door.

But today, today my 4 year old let me know that the truth is, I am doing this mom thing okay. There is a video that shows the point of view of the day from the mom and then the child. The mom is frazzled, frustrated and a mess. The kid tells her dad how magical of a day it was. It is amazing what the point of view of a child can do for your soul.

As we got in the car today, Henry reminded me again that I am a super hero. He told me to not tell anyone because super heroes can't tell people who they are. He told me that I am the best super hero mom in the world and then sang me a song. "My mom is a super hero. My mom is a super hero. My mom is a super super hero. Yep, that's my mom"

To all the mamas out there, just remember that when life feels overwhelming and out of control you are likely the highlight and super hero to the little ones that make you feel this way. Slow down a bit. Take time to breathe and remember that you are all super heroes.

Just don't tell Henry I told you :-)

           

Embracing vulnerability

Every semester at Grace we are given the opportunity to lead "life groups" these are small covenant groups within the church where we study something that brings us closer to God and closer together as a community of God's people.

I was set. I knew what I was doing. I have had a lot of interest in the original family in Genesis and found a great study. I knew that was what I was going to do.

Last week.... "Ali, do you want to lead a life group on 'The Shack'" was asked to me by both two co-workers. I told them nope. I am good. I have my group, I have ordered the books and I am excited about it. They both were hoping someone would take it on since the author of the book will be coming to Grace in October. I didn't want to. I didn't want to lead a group on death and healing and where is God in all of that. How incredibly vulnerable.

That night I had a dream about my dad. Of course I did. He told me to be brave. He told me to embrace what is hard for me. I woke up and knew I was going to change my life group. I was going to lead a group on "The Shack"

As the study is getting closer and the publication promoting it goes out this week, I am feeling anxious. I am feeling vulnerable, I am feeling grief. I talk about my grief all the time. I talk about my emotions and where I am at in my healing process but to actually lead a group on this topic terrifies me.

I know that the best kind of teacher is one that has experience but what if I am not good enough? What if I don't have the right things to say? What if? What if? What if?

Being vulnerable is something I have learned is key to ministry. It is key to forming relationships with people and it is key to having connections with people that are meaningful and help you in your life story.

I look forward to leading this group. I am quite terrified but I do know that it will help me in my own healing process, that it will help others and it will help me to embrace my own pain so that I can open myself to something bigger than I. To a higher power that heals me, that brings light in the dark and that brings my own pain out in the open so that I can help others heal from theirs.

Embracing my pain and the vulnerability that comes with talking about it is gives me strength. I can only can only hope that this group may do that for others. I am not sure what to expect, I don't know if anyone will even sign up. But I do know that every Wednesday for 6 weeks I will be open to the possibility of continued healing, of leading others on their own healing journey and talking about where God is in the midst of our darkest and deepest pain.

God bless this beautiful life I have been given and the opportunities I have to be vulnerable even when it terrifies me.

Raise Hell

I am sitting in my kitchen listening to music while Tannie toddles around and Henry is downstairs doing who knows what. Tannie loves music and when it comes on she starts to bounce her knees and swing her arms. Brandi Carlile "Raise Hell" just came on and she started bouncing. I laughed and thought "I am raising a little Ali"

I was taught from a very  young age to not keep my mouth shut. To speak up for myself and to never allow anyone to make me feel small, especially men. I learned this not only from my parents but the women in my family; my Nani and my Aunt Becky are very strong women and I am grateful that I had their influence growing up.

Tuesday I was in the office and Tiffany and Kyle weren't sure what they were going to preach on. I looked at the lectionary and said "It's Jesus walks on water. Preach on fear, God is with you, you know the easy stuff"

My mind immediately flashed to licensing school and the day I was told to be quiet and made to feel as though I was as big as my 1 year old daughter. An Pastor in the church came to talk to us about preaching and the flow of worship. At one point I asked what he does when there is a natural disaster or something big happens in the world- does he change his sermon? Does he preach on it? He said no. That he would mention it in prayer and moved on. I sat on that and wasn't happy with his answer so I asked again "You mean you don't bring it up in your sermon? I am confused since the Methodist church was founded on fighting for social justice and speaking up against things that are not okay" We went back and forth for awhile and he finally said "I am not talking about social justice right now, we are moving on" At that moment I knew I was a woman and I felt as though I was the smallest person in the room. Tears filled my eyes. Matt was sitting next to me and he nudged me under the table and said "It's okay, you're okay"

But I wasn't okay. I was furious. I got up and went outside. I wasn't quiet about it. I was angry. How dare this man make me feel this way. When we got back inside I was asked my a few other people if I was okay and given hugs and told that they agreed with me. We had to write evaluations and mine was not very friendly. But that really isn't the point.

Later in the day a female Elder in the church came to talk to us about prayer. We did a reflective exercise on the scripture where Jesus walks on water. We listened three times and each time we were told to write down what we heard. I wrote with my eyes closed and when I opened them in giant letters I had written

BE BRAVE. YOU ARE NOT TO BE SILENCED. GOD IS WITH YOU.

That is what the scripture said to me. Something I have been told my whole life. Something I knew. Something no one can take from me- my voice, my bravery and my relationship with God.

That scripture now has a very different meaning to me and I would assume I will use this story in future sermons but for today I am writing it as I listen to the song "Raise Hell" and watching my 1 year daughter dance. I will teach her all these things and hope that someday when someone makes her feel the way I did in that moment she uses her voice and doesn't allow that to happen.

It is amazing what God can bring to your life. How God can speak to you when you don't even know you need it. That moment in that room made me feel complete and like me again. Renewed my spirit and drive to be a Pastor. I know I am going to encounter situations like this my whole life, that is the world we live in and every time I do I will close my eyes and picture Jesus walking on water, reaching his hand out to me and saying "Be brave. You are not to be silenced. God is with you and Raise Hell"

"I am gonna raise hell

There's a story no one tells

You gotta raise hell

Go on and ring that bell"

Untitled- just read. :-)

This is Tannie on our walk this morning. I am sure most of you would look at this picture and think how cute she looks- she's too cool for this walk. Arm out, cruising along. But not me. The entire walk I stared at her foot. That foot. That food that is so close to dragging on the ground. That foot that can reach the wheel. That foot that could get severely injured from hanging out of the car. For the first 20 min I kept putting it back and telling her no. She would glance up at me, and kick it back out. I finally gave up. Truth is her foot can't reach the ground or the wheel but in my mind it could and her life would change in a second if her little foot got broken or fell off. Yep, that is where my mom brain goes.

I follow three different blogs. This week one person blogged about living in the messiness of her life and in the present. Another wrote about being terrified to hit publish on her first blog post but overcoming that fear. The other wrote about not knowing what is happening behind closed doors, not knowing what is going on in the lives of others.

All three seemed to have a common theme. Letting go of fear, living in the messiness of life and never assuming everyone around you is "ok".

Most of us live in constant fear. Fear for our world, fear for our own country, fear for our community, fear for our neighbors and fear for ourselves. I wonder where that constant fear comes from? We are trained to be scared. We are conditioned to not trust anyone around us and to assume the worst is going to happen in life. But what if, what if we could change that? Just one person at a time? What if we could believe that living in the messiness, taking the leap and opening our lives to those around us could help us to eliminate the fear in our own lives? Wouldn't that be liberating? Wouldn't that be freeing?

After my dad died, I embraced this idea of living in the present, trying to be brave, letting go of fear (as much as I can) and reminding myself that I am not alone, that those around me are hurting but if we are in this together we can provide love, support and grace to each other. It is amazing what a community can do for one another- what a group of women sitting in my living room on this past Sunday evening can do for my soul. When you choose to do life with other people it somehow allows you to get through the messiness, to let go of your fears and to embrace all those around you- to not shut people out and allow others to find comfort and peace with you.

My family has adopted a phrase "It is what it is". It means something different to all of us. The day we buried my dad, they headstone of the person behind his grave site was so massive they couldn't hide it. On the headstone it reads "it is what it is". We all laughed because of the irony of those words and will constantly look at each other and say "Good old, Chad McCurdy 'it is what it is'".

Life is what it is. There is little you can control. Things are going to happen. Kids are going to break their legs, people are going to get sick, loss is inevitable and pain is something you can't run away from.

But if you allow yourself to be present in the messiness, to embrace your fears and to lean on those around you it is possible to get to the other side of it. To come out of fear, pain and loss with the knowledge that you are not alone, you are loved and someone out there cares about you.

Blessings to all those hurting today, to all those living in pain and to all those in the world looking for someone to live this life with. You are not alone, you are worthy and you are loved.