Happy 80th to my Kindred Spirit

The other day, my Nani, called me and like normal we were talking about flowers. We were both so frustrated that we couldn't plant anything yet and that this Kansas weather was preventing us from doing the thing we love the most.

At the end of this conversation my Nani said "A bit of my soul is in you" and I replied "you are my kindred spirit".

Margaret Beth Hayes (Pinky, Mom, Nani, Bari) turned 80 this week.

She and I share a love of flowers. I wouldn't have guessed this would have been the case but something about flowers bring me closer to God, they bring me hope and joy and in my garden is where I feel the most serene.

My Nani is one of my best friends. We talk 2-3 times a week and while we try to talk about other things we often land of flowers. Our common thread, what makes us one in the same.

My Grandmother has lived a long beautiful life.

In her 80 years she has traveled all over the world, lived in India for a long period of time and was a ministers wife and teacher.

She loved teaching and when she retired took on the task of teaching all of us. She never missed a teaching moment. A chance to take us out the Santa Fe trail ruts on Highway 56, on a trip with her sister and Uncle Jack to tour where Native Americans live, she took us on adventures through her stories and love of a life.

Her favorite phrase is  "never let a good story get in the way of the truth" and that is how she lives her life.

I don't know if she actually covered herself in mud with her sisters after they dug a hole to China to feed the kids there their vegetables and had to walk home in their undergarments. So in an effort to be  "invisible" they covered themselves in mud singing "we are the mud sisters, the mud sisters, the mud sisters". And I don't want to know. The beauty and comedy of that story is one that will always stick with me.

My Nani is always up for an adventure, whatever it may be and she is the light of our family.

She is the ones that makes all love Christmas. Since I was a child I can remember getting letters from her on Dec. 26th that said "remember Christmas is Dec. 25th" I never told her that I could tell the "letters from Santa" were in her handwriting because it didn't matter.

Our Nani is strong, beautiful, eccentric, full of life and will probably out live all of us.

I know how lucky I am. I know how amazing she is and I know that having your grandma as your best friend may be strange but it's the truth.

Her soul is in me and she is my kindred spirit.

Happy Birthday, Nani. I love you.

The tooth fairy was there too

Holy week started with Palm Sunday; the parade of Jesus and his disciples into Jerusalem. Today is Maundy Thursday where we remember the last supper and the first communion. Tomorrow we remember the death and resurrection of Jesus and then Sunday we celebrate that he has risen!

Explaining the Easter season to a 5 year old is hard. Blood, torture, death, resurrection, angels...all of it just sounds so awful. And it was awful. Horrible. Something a 5 year old should not have to hear about. I am blessed we live in a place where my children are shielded from all of that. Perhaps if they had experienced trauma or seen mass causalities like children in Syria, the Easter story truly would bring them hope and light but they haven't and for that we are lucky. 

Henry began asking about the Easter bunny about a week ago. 

"Mom, is the bunny just a guy in a suit?"

Me (after gasping and having no clue what to say) "What do you think?"

"I think yes, maybe he is"

Then he dropped it. Until later that evening.

Henry "Dad, is the Easter bunny just a guy in a costume?"

Paul "Yeah, it is, bud"

Me- silently hitting Paul on the arm in the front seat of the car because we had not discussed how to handle any of this Easter bunny, Santa stuff. I then asked him "Well do you think that Easter bunny brings your presents?"

Henry "No, the real one does.." end of discussion.

To be honest, the Easter bunny freaks me out. Most of them are creepy and I just can't get on board with the connection between Easter and Jesus. It is a stretch and simply not there. Now, Santa makes more sense. He is an actual person and there was a Saint Nicholas that gave presents to children. Okay, makes sense. I am just glad he didn't ask about that.

Then we come to the tooth fairy.

I picked Henry up from school on Tuesday and he told me that he knew the story of Easter.

"Jesus came to this town on a donkey. Then these bad guys put him in a cave. THEN the tooth fairy came and said "JESUS IS ALIVE"'. 

Okay...donkey, yes. Cave/tomb whatever. Tooth fairy? 

I asked if it was an angel... nope, tooth fairy

I asked if it was a woman named Mary, nope the tooth fairy. And he knows he is right because it was in his teachers favorite book and she is always right.

As you embark on this holy week try to remember the joy and hope that comes out of the sorrow and pain. 

Tonight we remember the last supper, the first communion, the time that Jesus washes the feet of his disciples and again tells him what will happen. 

Tomorrow we remember the ultimate sacrifice, the 7 last words that Jesus spoke before dying on the cross and being carried to the tomb.

Then Sunday morning we will stand together, as one, as people of God proclaiming that Christ is Alive and Christ is risen, even the tooth fairy will be there.

Happy Easter

Rain Rain Go Away....or maybe stay

It's raining today. Rain means several things in my life.

1. Kids can't go outside. Explaining to a 1 year old why they can't go blow bubbles in the rain is pretty much impossible The poor thing keeps yelling at the back door which is driving me crazy... The 5 year old is literally jumping on the couches so do I let him keep doing that and wait and see if he gets hurt or continue to yell and lose my voice and my sanity...

2. The dogs won't pee and poop in the yard. Yep, they won't. They refuse to go into the yard because heaven forbid their feet get wet. So there is literally crap on my deck. Poop broom (yes we have one of those) will have to be used when it dries. Gross

3. I can't do laundry. There is literally standing water in our yard. We are on a septic system and have had issues with it so doing laundry when we have this much rain is too hard on it. So the pile just keep growing.

So my life is super fun today. But here is what I know about rain.

It means new life. The flowers in my garden are starting to grow which means I am extremely happy. The flowers bring me joy and happiness at times when I struggle to find it.

Rain waters the ground that is incredibly dry and maybe just maybe will wash away all of the pollen that is making my ears, throat and nose angry.

Rain is also a sign of hope. When the rains came in Genesis, Noah built an arc. Now, I won't go into my thoughts on the whole Noah and the arc story but what I will say is that at the end God created a rainbow and said that never again would God wipe out an entire Nation. God made a covenant with Noah that after the rains a rainbow will appear as a sign of hope, life, grace and mercy.

While the rain creates conflict in my own life it is beyond and bigger than myself.

My dad loved rain and storms. His birthday is this week. He would have been 61. He would love a day like today. Keeping watch on the rain gauge to see how much he got. He would be texting his brothers to see how much rain they were getting.

Rain is a sign of love for me. It is a sign that even in the darkness there is light and love and hope of new life. Rain brings the flowers, rain brings the memory of my father to the forefront of my mind, rain brings life.

While I still have to figure out what to do with these children, dogs and all of my laundry, I will try to sit with the beauty of the rain and the promise that God made to each of us with the rainbow.

God bless you all.

I surrender

When I was a kid I can remember hearing my friends talk about lent. They would talk about giving something up because God wants you to give something up that you really love. I can remember asking why and no one could really tell me; they said it was because they were supposed to.

As a United Methodist I was never told that I had to give something up- in fact I can't remember ever having a Pastor mention anything about it. But it was kind of cool to do so a few times I gave up soda, which I really wasn't allowed to have so that wasn't too hard and one time I tried to give up sugar but that lasted like a day and then I felt like I had betrayed God and that didn't feel right.

Giving up "things" at lent still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I understand the need and purpose of fasting in order to experience a more spiritual connection to God, I can understand not eating meat one day a week in order to celebrate the lenten season and build community with others during your weekly fish fry. All of that I can get. But giving something up.

I am not sure that God really wants us to be lacking of things we enjoy. 

As my faith has grown and my understanding of lent has matured- I have realized that giving something up is not the purpose of lent. The purpose of lent is to surrender. To surrender to God. To allow God to take over our anxieties, our worries and our fears. To allow the holy spirit to work in our lives so that when we feel all the weight of the world on us we know that we are not alone. We can trust in the power of the Divine to hold us and make us safe because that is the very covenant God made with us from the beginning of time. 

As Jesus is preparing for his arrest, death and resurrection he foretells of this many times. His disciples, particularly Peter, don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe that their teacher, their friend, their Rabbi will be arrested and killed. I mean who would want to believe that about the beloved son of God?

In Mark 14 we read about the arrest of Jesus. As Jesus is being arrested, he looks upon the people arresting him and says "have you com out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a bandit? Day after day I was with you in the temple teaching, and you did not arrest me. But let the scripture be fulfilled"

But let the scripture be fulfilled. 

It has been prophesied over and over again that the son of God will come to the earth and will be arrested, crucified and resurrected. Jesus has finally surrendered to his fate. He knows that this is what must happen in order to save the people of God, in order to show to his people his whole heart, his pure love and what it ultimately means to surrender to the will of God. To allow God to take on your hardships, to let God be with you even in the toughest of times and to allow the very spirit of God to be upon you every day no matter how much you fight it or don't want to believe it to be possible. 

I encourage you all to surrender this lent. To allow God into your lives in a way maybe you never have. To give your worry and anxiety to God and when it seems to overwhelm you and consume you go to God in prayer and trust that no matter how hard it is God is with you through all of it because that is the very promise God made to us from the very beginning of time and the promise God continues to make with us every single day.

Blessings to all of you

I am terrified of kindergarten

Henry can't stop talking about how excited he is for kindergarten. He hears his cousin, Will, talk about school and can't wait to go and meet new friends, eat hot lunch, go to recess, all of it.

I am terrified. I am not terrified because my child will be in school all day everyday away from me. Nah, we will be ok. Henry NEEDS school, he needs to be busy all day and school will do him good. I am terrified because of what is happening in our world.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and think it is "normal" to have active shooter drills.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and think that he is going to be killed because it happens.

I am terrified that my child will go to school and come home asking why someone would want to kill him.

THIS IS NOT OK.

THIS IS NOT OK.

THIS IS NOT OK.

My biggest fears SHOULD be
- Will he like his teacher?
-Will he make friends?
-Will he do well?
-Will he be accepted for who he is?

Yet all those fears seems nothing compared to my ultimate fear.

Last week when we saw yet another school shooting it is almost as though something shifted. Something shifted in our country. People are speaking out. Kids are marching out of schools and demanding action from the adults that promise to take care of them. They are demanding that they be taken care of.

I am in awe of the strength and resilience of these children. BUT the TRUTH IS they should NOT be the ones marching and demanding change. IT SHOULD BE ALL OF US. We should NOT be okay with our kids accepting this as normal, we should not be okay with our kids being the ones demanding action.

It is our job to do this. It is our job to change things. I don't know what all I can do but I do know that I can go to this meeting on March 3rd for Moms Demand Gunsense and learn what I can do. I do know that I can talk about this, that I can pray about it and that I can act.

Prayer is great- it is not enough. ACTION and prayer is better.

Jesus preaches on action, activism and actually doing something. He preached on non-violence on putting down your sword, standing up for what you believe in and demanding peace.

If I am going to be a disciple of Christ this is how I need to respond.

Glennon Doyle posted this amazing video on her facebook page- go look it up! She demands action for our children and to call your congressmen to demand this action. It is easy- they give you a script, they give you numbers. Use them! You can find her video on my facebook page.

So here's the thing. I don't want to be terrified of kindergarten. I don't want my son to see my anxiety and fear when he goes to school that first day. I want him to be excited, I want to be excited, I want to feel that he is safe, loved and cared for.

I have not said anything about gun control- I want that to be clear. I am simply saying that we have to have adults leading our country that take into account the children in our schools when passing bills and legislation that could impact their lives or perhaps save them.

Henry will start kindergarten in the fall and I am committed to making it fun, I am committed to making him excited. I am committed to demanding action to make this happen.

God bless you all, God bless the little children

Confession time....

I have a confession to make.

It is one that has been eating me up inside for a really long time.

I hide this obsession from so many people.

My son tells me it is gross and to put it away.

My husband just doesn't get it.

I am ready to confess to the world because it feels like such a heavy burden to be carrying.

Okay...here it goes...deep breath

I am OBSESSED with Dr. Pimple Popper. This is not just a "watch a new video when she post it on her youtube" type of obsession. No, it's watch it constantly. When I am drinking my coffee in the morning, I am watching a cyst come out. When I rocking my daughter to sleep we watch blackheads being popped together and when I lay in bed at night I tend to watch dilated pore of winers or something to that nature.

The obsession started when I was nursing Tannie. I needed something that didn't require noise to watch while I was up for hours at night with her. Then I found her. I found Dr. Sandra Lee, Dr. Pimple Popper.

She has a whole youtube channel, a show now on TLC and is often on the show "The Doctors"

I don't know what it is about it but something incredibly satisfying happens within me when the cyst, blackhead or whatever is off. Now of course I tend to fast forward through the stitches because that's just gross. But the rest of it. Oh the rest of it.

I can remember my dad had a cyst on his back for most of my life. One day he came home from the Dr. and told me that he had it removed and the contents shot across the room. I was jealous. Seriously jealous that I didn't get to see it. As a teen, I was lucky and didn't have acne, but my sister did and so did my cousin. And they would let me pop their pimples- I am sorry for outing the both of you but it was so much fun. I secretly hope that my kids will have it so I can help them- I now know the ways to express blackheads without leaving a scar. How awful is that? I hope my kids have acne so I can pop it.

I felt as though I needed to get this off my chest and maybe share it with the world. Maybe some of you have the same obsession and didn't know Dr. Pimple Popper existed or maybe you too were hiding your love for it and now you can be free to be you.

So I am going to share a video. One that some of you may find really hard to watch but it has over 15 million views. I believe I am responsible for 7.5 million of those. As my sister said "It is strangely satisfying"

That really is all I have to say for now, nothing about grief and death, nothing about my faith, simply me confessing to the world that I LOVE WATCHING PIMPLES BEING POPPED :-)

Enjoy! If the video doesn't work just click on this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lVSblzukr0&index=17&list=PLJZ_ok3xiAi9dQ2J8RsfN6z_Dlu2c1evO&has_verified=1

Whoa Up, Sister

I have to first admit that I am borrowing this phrase from Jen Hatmaker. She is an amazing author and her latest book is really speaking to me. I highly recommend reading "Of Mess and Moxie". It will make you laugh and cry all in the same chapter.

Winter is a hard time of year for so many of us. Not only is it cold- I have to tell my son everyday if it is "dangerous" cold or just "regular" cold- but the days are short and the months are long. It is a time of year where people spend most of their time secluded in their homes and don't venture out unless they have to. It is also a time of year of sorrow for so many people. It is strange how much death occurs in the winter months but also not really. Christmas is over. People have spent time with their families and if they are ready to go or they are fighting some kind of disease it seems like the right time.

Last winter I made a promise to live in joy and not sorrow or fear. Of course a few days later my Grandpa died and then exactly 4 weeks after that we lost my Grandma. And over those 4 weeks was the time that my dad had passed 3 years before. Yet, I think making the promise to myself to live in joy was the best decision I had made. Because I was able to get through all of that with grace and dignity. I was okay.

This winter, I didn't start out with the same or similar intention. In fact, I have spent the last month or so living in fear, dread and sorrow. I have felt the impact of grief harder this year than most and the continuous worry of my own family weighs on me daily. I mean how many times can they tell us that basically we are all going to get the flu and there is a chance we may die. DON'T TURN ON THE NEWS OR RADIO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

So then I started reading this book. By the introduction I was hooked. I knew I couldn't put it down. And then she got to the part about fear. She went on about all the bad things that were going on in her life and how she just lived in constant fear of what the next bad thing would be and THEN all of a sudden she realized that God didn't make us to be fearful and that FEAR IS A LIAR. Say that over and over again "FEAR IS A LIAR, FEAR IS A LIAR". It really helps.

She ends this page with the phrase "Whoa up, sister. These thoughts and ideas cannot be trusted"

So that is my plan. I will NOT LIVE IN FEAR. FEAR IS A LIAR. God did not give me the spirit of fear. God gave me the spirit of hope, grace, mercy, joy, love. God gave me all the tools I need to live a life of abundance and to not let fear rule me.

So whoa up, whoa up, whoa up. That is what I will continue to say to myself every time fear starts to creep it's ugly face in.

We are braver than fear, we are stronger than fear and we are made to live our lives full as beloved children of God.

So Whoa Up. You all got this. We all got this because the crazy thing is- we all have God on our side. Walking with us through this crazy, beautiful, messy life.

Blessings to you all during this Whoa up season.