And a Little Child Shall Lead Them

Isaiah 11:6-9

The world shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze, their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put its hand on the adder's den. They will not hurt or destroy on all my holy mountain; for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea. 

This  morning as Henry and I were getting ready to go to daycare he brought several of his cars to me. He handed them to me and said "I want to take these". I told them that he needed to leave them at home because he wouldn't want to lose any of them. He said to me very matter of fact "No, I share with my friends". I looked at him a little perplexed and said "You are going to share your cars with your friends?" "Yes, one for Asher, one for Isaac, one for Brooke and one for Noah. They take their cars home. Merry Christmas". I almost cried. My precious yet quite possessive child was going to give to his most treasured toys to his friends for Christmas. We went on to daycare and believe it or not, he walked in and passed out a car to each friend saying "Merry Christmas".

 Paul and I talk to Henry all the time about sharing and giving to others. However, if you even try to come between him and his matchbox cars you are looking for a fight. So where did this come from? When did my child learn that giving to others and sharing is one of the most valuable lessons of life and what Christmas is truly about?

In the book of Isaiah, he is telling of his prophecy. What he knows will happen and how it will happen. The world at this time was at war, people were not worshiping God in the way that God intended and the message that God sent was not being received in the way God had hoped. They desperately needed a Savior, someone to come and teach them the truth about God and to share the Gospel. But a child? A tiny little baby? How was a child supposed to lead them to the Kingdom of Heaven? How as a child supposed to teach them right from wrong? How was a child supposed to spread the word of God?

Jesus comes into this world a tiny baby. Born to a young mother and father that had to be scared out of their minds. I am not sure how many times an angel could tell me "Do not be afraid" for me to not be scared! I would imagine they were terrified but they truly believed the child they would parent would be the worlds' Savior. And they knew how to be his parents. How to love him, nurture him and allow him to be himself so that he may spread the Good News.

Jesus brought hope, peace, love and joy to a broken world. He shared his Gospel and through his love and sacrifice created a place for all of us to experience this even today. And this did not start when he was a young man, it started the moment he came into this world; as a tiny baby, a little soul that would lead the world to peace.

"A little child shall lead them"

This morning, Henry reminded me of the importance of Christmas. I saw the joy, hope, peace and love in his tiny little face. My child, MY CHILD, was leading me this morning to a place of hope. That even when the world seems out on control, our lives seem to be in utter chaos and we can't quite figure out how to get it all together; our children remind of us that it is all possible. That we can be people of God; people that give to one another, people that spread the Good News and people that believe in Christmas.

God bless all the tiny children in this world and allow us to open our hearts and minds so that they may lead us to a place of hope, peace, love and joy.

Merry Christmas.

The Magic of Christmas

This is the first year that Henry seems to kind of understand what Christmas is. It has been so much fun watching him run out of his room every morning to find the elf, staring at the tree and yelling "Christmas" and talking with him about what it all actually means. I see the light and joy in his eyes and I remember the feeling I had when I was a kid at Christmas. 

I have started to wonder where that magic goes. Why as adults do we focus so much on the material side of the holiday and not the spiritual? Why do we allow ourselves to be come so over focused on our jobs and shopping that we lose the significance of the season? And when does this happen? 

I can remember being in 8th grade and writing an article for the school paper about just believing in Santa Claus. I didn't believe anymore but I was still longing for the magic of Christmas I had as a young child. I wrote about believing even when we don't believe anymore and the joy that comes every year. At some point I even lost that. I find myself searching for it every year and seeing the joy in my own child's eyes is what brings me closer. 

Christmas is the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Jesus. If you go through the Bible and read the history you can note that the world was falling a part. God tried over and over again to show his people the way to live their lives by faith. The people continue to get it wrong and God continues to try again. Eventually God came down in the form of his only son, Jesus. The birth of Jesus is a symbol of hope, promise and peace for our world. We celebrate it everywhere by the giving and receiving of gifts to the ones we love.  

As a society we put so much emphasis on the material side. We spend hours shopping, researching and searching for the "perfect" gift, only to give it on Christmas Day and often times see the lack of excitement on our loved ones' face. We experience disappointment,stress and anxiety over it all. And for what? Is that really how we celebrate Jesus' birth?

I told Paul that Christmas was going to be different for me this year, that I was going to make an effort to be more focused on the religious side than the present side. (Don't worry family, you are all getting presents!) I have started asking Henry why we get presents on Christmas. He finally started saying back to me "It's Jesus' birthday! We get presents!" We talk about the Christmas story almost daily and I remind him that the elf is there to tell Santa that he is such a nice guy, full of kindness and joy. I tell him that he is the hope I see in the world. That the reason why I celebrate Christmas is not because of presents, it is because of him and the promise that a child brings. 

Our world is falling a part right now. We are in desperate need of hope, peace love and joy. I encourage everyone this Christmas season to seek that out. Go find the thing that brings you closer to God and stronger in your faith journey. Go find the thing that brings you hope, peace, love and joy. 

To Believe or Not Believe....

Yesterday my cousin, Brittany, and I went to the KC Psychic fair. Yep. You read that right. We thought it would be something fun to do and were really interested in what was going to be there. When we got there it was very much a typical fair- except for the whole psychic/crystal/medium part. There were booths throughout the space with books, crystals, tarot cards, etc... pretty standard for a psychic fair, I think...

Britt had read that there was a workshop at 1pm called "Spirit Gallery". We knew it was lead by a psychic medium but we had no clue what she actually going to do. I honestly thought she may just talk about the work that she does and how to make an appointment with her. I didn't expect to actually get a reading.

Jamie, the medium, started by telling us about herself and how she communicates with spirits. She talked about the feeling she gets in different parts of her body and the images that spirits show her as a way to talk. Then she said that she was going to spend the session showing us a little bit about what she does and she could already feel the presence of spirits in the room.

The first thought through my mind was "okay..if this is real my dad will be here and he will be first". You see, my father never wanted to miss out on anything. He never met a stranger and always wanted to be around for everything that happened. This is one of the reasons he was so beloved by people. My sister had been to a medium around this time last year with her husband, John. Paige and John had both lost a parent that year so figured there was no time like the present to see if this whole medium thing was real. When they got there the medium told them she was excited to see them b/c our dad had been there all day anxiously waiting for Paige. So this was going to be test- if my dad was one of these spirits I knew he would be first.

Jamie closed her eyes and appeared to be concentrating really hard. (keep in mind: I have never met Jamie. She didn't know my name or anything about me) She immediately stood right in front of me, opened her eyes and said "there is a very strong male presence surrounding you. A father type figure, does that make sense?" The tears started flowing and I nodded "yes". She continued to talk saying that my father keeps saying "special. My special baby girl." She asked me if that made sense. I sobbed even harder. My dad called me "his special one". How in the world would Jamie know that? Jamie continued to say things about my father that she would have no way of knowing. She knew how he died; she knew it was fast- here one minute gone the next. She knew that there was a lot of pressure on his chest and it all came out at once. She knew that I had anxiety. She knew that I had guilt (that's another blog!) and she knew that he called me his special  one. In the end she said "He just wants you to know he is okay, that he is always around and when you think it is him- it is"

As the session continued she gave several readings. I kept looking at Brittany knowing she was hoping that her brother, Skyler, would come forward. The session was almost over when Jamie stood in front of Brittany and asked about a male energy. Jamie said "there is a male energy, young not quite a child but not an adult- maybe 19? that is on a stage singing and loves music". Brittany started sobbing. That was no doubt Skyler. Again, Jamie doesn't know Brittany. She doesn't know her name, she didn't know that she lost a brother when he was 19. Jamie continued to talk about things associated with Skyler and his death that only family and friends would know. In the end she said that Skyler wants her to know that he is healing, that he took responsibility for what happened to him and that he is okay.

So the question is: do you believe or not believe?

My answer: I believe.

How could I not believe? I constantly think that my father is around. I will often stop what I am doing, close my eyes and say "hi dad". My son will tell me that Nana visits him at night; there was even a time that my son described the exact outfit that my dad was buried in. Henry was one when my dad died and never saw him in that outfit... I don't think any of this is a coincidence. I never expected that when my Dad died he would ever actually leave us. I will always believe that he will be right with us until the day he greets us into the Kingdom of Heaven. Because that is my faith and what makes me feel even closer to God.

Biblically, going to a medium is kind of against the rules. However, I will challenge this. It isn't evil. It isn't meant to put a spell on anyone or to predict our future. It is simply a way to talk with your loved ones once they have passed and to feel a connection that is far beyond what was felt in the physical world. Being able to feel my father with me even after he is gone is my glimpse into that Kingdom on earth.

I believe the Kingdom of Heaven is within an arms reach. My father is not "stuck" on this earth. He has simply transitioned to another place, a place of peace, comfort and stillness. He is okay and that is because he is with God and that has to be amazing.

When I left the workshop yesterday, I had that sense of peace and stillness within me. It is a beautiful thing to feel connected to those that have gone before us and even more beautiful to experience God in that moment.

Open your minds to what seems impossible b/c it is in those moments that the impossible happens.

"Perhaps they are not stars, bur rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy" Author Unknown

Wait...you are telling me that the Bible says to accept refugees and Immigrants? Impossible...

“When a stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God." Leviticus 19: 33-34

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me," Matthew 25:35

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares" Hebrews 13:2

"He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10:18

"And people will come from east and west, and from north and south, and recline at table in the kingdom of God" Luke 13:29


Paris, Lebanon and Iraq all suffered horrible attacks this week at the hands of Isis. People are scared. People are guarded and people are making harsh and horrific statements about the "blamed" religion of the people that did this. Islam is a beautiful religion that works to promote peace and to care for the poor and the oppressed. The people that committed these horrible attacks claim to be of this faith, but if you knew anything about the faith you would know that they are far from it.

As a society we are quick to make judgments about others. We decide that if you look like, act like or pray like someone that did something wrong then you must be like them. Yet when we are questioned about Christianity and the people that use the name of God to do wrong we quickly say "well that isn't Christianity". In our own state of Kansas we have a lovely Baptist church in Topeka. They stand outside of funerals, weddings, graduations, etc...holding their signs that claim God did all of this because we "allow" homosexuality in our world. I would be mortified to ever be associated with that church simply b/c I am also a Christian. Can you see what I am getting at?

Since the attack in Paris this week 25 Governor's, including our own lovely Sam Brownback, made a commitment to not allow Syrian refugees into their state. All simply because they are Muslim, come from the same country that an attacker may have been from and to be honest have the same color skin as the attackers.

Sam Brownback says he is a Christian. He wants the state to be a "Christian" state. All children to go to Christian schools and for us to follow the teaching of God everywhere we go. I personally believe following the teaching of God is a great idea. I just don't think Sam Brownback and I believe in the same God or read from the same Bible.

Over and over again the Bible says to accept refugees because the people of Israel once fled Egypt for religious asylum, so we must accept others doing the same. This is simply what is happening in Syria. The people fleeing are women, children and men all of different ages and walks of life. Yet they have one thing in common; they are trying to live a peaceful life without threats of being killed, tortured or exiled for what they believe. How is this any different than the Jews fleeing from Egypt?

I often think "why in the world are you going into ministry, it will be so hard". This is a perfect example of why. I refuse to allow the teachings of Jesus to be twisted to fit an agenda that people want. I refuse to allow the grace, love, mercy and acceptance that is taught to go unmentioned. I refuse to allow Christians to get a bad name by those that just so happen to speak a little louder.

Well, here I am and I am NOT quiet. It is time as Christians to stand up for what the Bible teaches us, to not allow others to use the name of God for their own agenda and to accept everyone with open arms and hearts.

As people of God we were once the refugees trying to find our place in a world that did not accept or know us. I pray that Christians today can do the same for all people seeking a place to lay their head, to call home and to worship God in the peaceful way that they do.

I am so incredibly grateful for the life I have been given and I am dedicated to speaking of the Good news of God and the promises made to us by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I just hope others can help spread the hope and light.

Be brave, loud and fight for what is right.

The Land Before Time

Two nights ago I was trying to find something for Henry and I to do. He was getting to that point of pure insanity and I had to come up with something or we were going to be in bad shape! (parents of toddlers all know what I am talking about) He had gotten a lot of movies for his birthday so I got out "The Land Before Time". We curled up in his bed and got out his little DVD player. He was immediately intrigued by the dinosaurs and the adventure they were on. 

As I lay there with my son I started to realize that this movie I had loved so many years ago actually has a lot of really important life lessons that as adults we really need to pay attention to. It talks about grief and loss, friendship, segregation and in the end offers hope. 

When Little Foot loses his mother she tells him that she will always be with him even he can't see her and to let his heart guide him. Grief sucks. It is one of the hardest thing a person can go through in their life. I am beyond grateful for my faith and that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my father is always with me and that a love like that can never be broken, not even by death. In the book of Ruth she demonstrates this kind of love to her mother in law, Naomi. She refuses to leave her no matter what happens, even death. 

"Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

Human connection is something we all long for and being able to experience that connection even beyond death is what true love and the Kingdom of Heaven on earth is. 

The movie also touches on the issue of diversity, inclusion and segregation. When Little Foot meets Cera he just wants to play and is told by their parents "Three horns don't play with long necks". Little Foot doesn't understand and his mother explains that they stick to their own kind. 

We do this to our own children. We teach them that they shouldn't play with kids that aren't like them, that other people are different than us and then we try to argue that racism, discrimination and exclusion does not exist. I believe the best thing we can do for our children is talk about it from the beginning. Yes we are all different on the outside but what is under our skin is the same and that our job as followers of Christ is to look beyond what we see in front of us and to really see the person. I could go on and on about white privilege, the oppression of people of color in our world and how it is our job to break those barriers to divide us. I will probably do that in another blog but my point is simply that we could learn a lot from Little Foot and Cera. They come together, solve problems and in the end build a community together.

The end of the movie offers hope. When they make it to the great valley, Little Foot finds his grandparents and they are all able to live happily, together. Hope comes out of our suffering. If we allow the Holy Spirit to enter our day to day lives we will never truly be alone. The Holy Spirit is there to offer that support and hope that good things do happen, that suffering is a part of life but in the end it will all be okay b/c we believe in the power, love, grace and mercy of God. 

Henry keeps asking to watch the dinosaur movie. I can only hope that as he grows to love it more and more he will see the true messaging in it and not just another dinosaur adventure! 

God Bless this beautiful life and the messages that we now see as adults in the things we loved as children. 

My Baby is 3!

Henry is 3 years old today. 

Where did the time go? I remember the day he was born just like it was yesterday. I was induced on a Friday morning. Paul and I went in the night before so they could soften my cervix. We slept there that night and the next morning they started pitocin. Within 1 hour, my water broke, I was dilated to a 3 and having contractions every 90 seconds and they were AWFUL. I was given an epidural and the rest of the day was bliss :-) haha. But really, everyone I loved was in the room up until delivery. My mom, my dad, my sister and Paul's mom. The anticipation of the birth of Henry was like nothing I had ever experienced. I pushed for over 3 hours and out he came! Poor thing had a huge cone head and adorable. Looking back on his birth brings so many wonderful memories. The day I had Henry my life changed forever. I know what it mean to truly love someone more than yourself, what unconditional selfless love is and how to be a mom. 

The first video is while waiting for Henry to be born. Sitting in the room with Paul, my mom and dad, Polly and Paige. 

This one is right after Henry was born

Looking back on his birth brings so many wonderful memories. The day I had Henry my life changed forever. I know what it mean to truly love someone more than yourself, what unconditional selfless love is and how to be a mom. 

I would give anything to go back to that day, a day when my family was whole and we were all simply happy. I know life has thrown so many different things my direction and I am grateful that every step has brought me closer to not only my family but my true self and God. I trust that experiencing the unconditional love of being a parent shows me what God's love is like for me. That through this love I am able to see a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven. And that if this love I have for Henry is like the love my Dad has for me, then I know nothing will ever break that; not even death. 

Henry Paul Haynes changed my life 3 years ago and he continues to every single day. As I sit here writing this he is screaming "beep beep beep" in the next room while at the exact same time playing on his new leap frog pad and with his cars. He is full of life, energy, excitement and such a stinker! He is smart, kind, funny and simply the joy of my life.

God Bless his little soul and all that his life brings to mine. 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

• Every 9 seconds in the United States, a woman is assaulted or beaten
• 1 in 3 women will be a victim of abuse in her life
• One a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nation wide
• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year and 90% of those children witness the abuse
• 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; and 94% of the victims of these murder-suicides are female

I grew up in a loving home. My parents were kind and respectful to each other. I did not witness violence in my life or in the life's of those around me. 

I WAS LUCKY. 

I was not one of those 1 in 15 children that grew up in violence. I am not one of the 1 in 3 women that has been assaulted by her partner. I am not one of the 20,000 phone calls placed to a shelter. I am not one of the women killed by her intimate partner. 

I AM LUCKY

My luck is not that I am not one of those people. My luck is that I have the honor and blessing to work with those women and children every single day. To give someone hope, to give someone a shoulder to cry on, to offer grace, mercy and love to a person. 

Violence against women is an epidemic. From the beginning of time, women have been oppressed, beaten and pushed down by their partners. Women have been seen as "lesser than" and "not worthy". The systematic oppression against women is real. I witness it every single day. I watch a woman go to court in hopes that the man that beat her and raped her will go to jail. Only to see him get off with a warning and probation. I see that woman then go into hiding because the threat against her for standing up for herself, for calling the police and for seeking help is going to increase by 70%. I see her fear for her life and the life of her children when she goes to work, takes her children to school and fights for her rights. I see her go back. I see her go back because the justice system did not work for her b/c for her it is better to go home, endure the violence and pain, than to be one of the women that is killed every single day because she left. 

How can we as a society allow this to happen? How can we put judgment on her? How can we sit there and say "Why doesn't she leave?" When we do NOTHING to help her once she does. Our justice system rarely holds abusive partners accountable, the amount of support and shelter available is incredibly slim and when a woman does actually leave her risk of being killed goes up 70%. 

As human beings it is our job to care for each other. As a Feminist Christian, I believe that our job as women is help other women. I believe that we have to stand up for what is right and make a change. That change can be small. Simply helping one person can change the course of not only her life but the life's of her children; which will eventually change the course of all the children that come after her. 

So why do we sit there in judgment? Why do we look the other way when we see someone crying out for help? 

FEAR. Fear drives all of us. We turn the other way because we don't have to be vulnerable. We don't want to "get in the way". We don't want to help b/c then our little bubble that we keep ourselves wrapped in to shut out all the pain of the world may be popped. We may learn that violence is real, we may see it in our face, we may have to hear to story of how she was raped, beaten and called horrific names than expected to care for her children, go to work and be a "good wife". 

And this is SCARY. It is incredibly scary. But fear can drive us to hope. If we move past our fear and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to helping another human, we may just see a bit of hope for the world in the end. We may see the victim of violence become a survivor. We may just see the children of this woman grow up to be OK. We may just see the love, grace and mercy that is working in us through the Holy Spirit and we may be forever changed.

And THAT is why I do this work. I don't do it for myself. I do it for those that are in need, I do it because it is my calling. It is the calling of EVERYONE. Not just Christians, but all humans. We are to help those that are suffering, to offer them hope and to show them love and that they ARE WORTHY OF LIFE.

Matthew 25:35-40 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

Dance on sweet cousin, Happy Birthday.

October 7th, 2015. Today would have been Skyler's 27th birthday.

I woke up this morning very early and as I got ready in the stillness of my house I began thinking of Skyler. What a beautiful soul he had and what a tragedy it was for him to be taken from this earth far too soon. As I walked outside into the darkness I was reminded of the light that was Skyler.

Skyler Hayes Price was born on October 7th, 1988. I could lie and say I remember everything about the day he was born but I was 3. I do remember my own brother being born later in July but that is probably my earliest memory.

Our mothers, Becky and Vicky, are sisters. They are extremely close and have 5 children between the both of them. We were not raised as cousins, we were raised as siblings. Skyler's sister, Brittany, was my first best friend and still is to this day. My brother, Evan and Skyler were extremely close as well and well Paige was the older sister to all of us. We spent summers, Christmas, spring break and so many other times together. I could go on and on about the many memories I have of us all but that would take way too much space.

Skyler lived a very full 19 years. He was happy, funny, smart, courageous and had the kindest soul I had ever known. Unfortunately on Dec. 8th, 2007 Skyler died. It forever changed our family. Christmas still to this day is sad and family gatherings feel smaller even as our family grows.

One reassurance I had when my dad died was that Skyler was there to greet him at the gates of Heaven and to say "welcome, I missed you".

I believe in Kingdom of Heaven. I believe that there is more to this life than this. I believe that we will see our loved ones again and I believe that God is not only with them but is with us every single day. Giving us the tools to know God and find our way to the kingdom. I believe that everyone is deserving of this. No matter what choices you make in life there is still hope. Even in the end.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The eternal is what living our lives is in preparation for. And I know that my dad and Skyler and celebrating his birthday together today in the eternal kingdom of Heaven and that brings me joy and light out of the darkness of the day.

Dance on sweet cousin, One love.

"There will be one child born in this world to carry on, to carry on"

I am an Aunt again! Wyatt Joseph Haynes was born on September 29th to the proud parents of Joe and Kristin and brother Will! He is absolutely beautiful and an incredible reminder that life does go on, that good things happen and out of pain and grief comes light and life. 

Isn't he precious!

Kristin ended up being induced so we knew when Wyatt's birthday would be. I asked Henry if he ever wanted a brother and sister and he very adamantly stated "No! There is only one Henry Paul Haynes". And yes indeed there is only one Henry. 

Children bring hope into our lives. They are precious, innocent and blind to the pain and hardships of the world. As adults, we unfortunately expose them to these things. Whether we mean to or not. We can try and protect our children as much as we can but it is inevitable that someday they too will feel the pain of this world. Our job is to give them the tools and strength to get through it and to teach their children that there is hope, light and love in this chaotic world.

When my dad was really sick and at home he wanted to listen to his favorite music all day. "And When I Die" by Blood Sweat and Tears was on that play list and every time it played I thought of my sister and the new baby she was carrying. My dad had asked doctors over and over again if they could just get him to June so he could meet this new baby. Unfortunately he passed away too soon. My sister will tell you that driving to his funeral the name, Benjamin Craig, came to them. I like to think my dad told them to name him that. 

And when I die and when I am dead, dead and gone
There'll be one child born in this world 
To carry on, to carry on

Ben was that baby. Ben brought joy and life to our family  that we so desperately needed. He is the constant reminder that even when things really suck and are hard, new life comes into this world to remind us that life is beautiful and people are born to carry on the legacy of the ones that go before us. 
I am lucky that my son, Henry, got to know his Nana. I don't know if he really remembers  him but I do know that at night he will be in bed talking and when I say "who are you talking to" he says "Nana. He came to say hi". I believe that my dad is there. That he loves his grandsons so much he would never want to miss out on their life's. The legacy of my father will be carried on by our children b/c as their mothers, Paige and I, will do everything we can to make sure they know who their Nana was and how much he loved them. 

I am rambling a bit but there is a point to all that I am saying. The birth of my new nephew helps to remind me that in a world with so much pain, anger, violence and sadness there is hope. A new life reminds us that we have the opportunity to make a difference in the world. To raise children to become people of faith; that are kind, generous, loving and offer grace and mercy to others. We have the chance to change the world not only by ourselves but through our children. 

And when I die and when I am dead, dead and gone
There'll be one child born in this world 
To carry on, to carry on

My Mom

Over the weekend my mom had the honor of speaking at a fundraiser for Gilda's Club. Gilda's club is a non-profit across the country that works with people living with cancer. Gilda's also provides support to family and friends that are supporting their loved ones through the terrible disease.

My mom and dad went to Gilda's club every week for a long period of time before my dad passed away. My mom also attended their living with loss support group and found great peace during that time. I found myself needing support after losing my dad and also attended a few one on one sessions with a therapist there.

My point is Gilda's Club KC has been a huge support to my family and my mother was able to share her experience with a room full of people on Saturday night.

I am writing about this today simply to tell you all about the incredible strength that my mother has. Standing in front of a room full of people and talking about the horrible experience and continued grief that comes with losing your spouse takes bravery. Incredible bravery that I admire.

When my dad got sick my mom kept a lot of her pain and fear to herself. I think she did this as a way to protect her children and maybe herself from the reality of what has happening. As a mom myself, I know I would do anything to keep my child from pain, even if that meant bearing it all myself. My mother took on that pain, pain no one should ever have to go through alone.

I simply can not imagine what it is like to lose your husband of 36 years and your best friend. My parents had a relationship that I strive for on a daily basis. They simply loved each other. Watching my mother care for my dad at the end of his life was one of the greatest blessings I have ever had. We thought we had days at the end. Days that turned into hours. I know my mom didn't get to say all the things she wanted to but I truly believe that he hears her say them every single day and he would have been so proud of her on Saturday.

I have learned so much from my mom over the course of my life. She has always been supportive, taught my sister and I how to be strong, brave, independent women and taught us the importance of family. My mom stayed home for the first part of my life. She sacrificed her career to raise her children and I am grateful every day for that. Yet, I am also incredibly grateful for the work that she does now. My mother works for Planned Parenthood and fights for women's reproductive rights every single day. Currently the country is split on their feelings of the organization and it is a bit of a scary place to work. I admire her strength to get up every single day and work insanely long hours so that women can continue to have reproductive freedom. I believe in many ways, Planned Parenthood helped my mom to find her voice and passion. She loves what she does and really believes in it.

I think the bravest thing about my mother is not the fact that she "deals" with her grief in the "appropriate" way but that she is open to being vulnerable and vocal about it. She doesn't hide the fact that she is grieving, nor should she have to. Our society expects you to get over it within about 6 weeks. Seems like enough time, right? When in reality most people will grieve the loss of a loved one for the rest of their life. And that is OK. In fact that is the bravest thing a person can do. To lean into their pain and experience it. Don't shut it out, don't push it down, lean in to. It is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is really the only way to "get through it".

As I wrap this up, I just want to say thank you to my mom. For being an example of pure strength and loving us all even when we are hard to love. You are an amazing woman and I can't imagine my life without you. I know life is not easy but I do believe in the power of God's love, grace and mercy and I do believe that in the end all of this pain and loss will make sense. How? I am not sure, but that is simply what gets me through the day and allows me to have faith and to be brave. All of which I learned from you.

I love you, mama.

Grace

One of the many things I continue to work on every day is my ability to offer grace. It seems easy enough, right? The ability to offer grace to someone that has done wrong is very complex and much harder than you may think. I find myself turning to God for answers and for the ability to acknowledge that we hardly get things right on the first try and everyone deserves grace, forgiveness and a second chance.

In my work at a local domestic violence shelter I am confronted with situations on a day to day basis that are incredibly difficult and I am tasked with making decisions that could change the course of a persons life. I literally have the power to make someone homeless, to make them feel worthless b/c of a decision they made, to make them feel like nothing. I take that power very seriously and try to diminish it as much as possible. What right do I have to this power? What right does anyone have to tell another person how to live? how to act? how to raise their children? The list goes on. I am constantly telling myself "offer grace and understanding". When I get to work and hear what I need to address I make myself take deep breaths and try to understand where the person is at. Trauma survivors, well really everyone, needs to feel worthy of life, to make connections with others and to be offered grace on a daily basis. I never want someone to leave my office feeling smaller than they are, like I abused the power I have or that they are not worthy to live there. Instead, I want someone to come in, talk with me about what is going on and to leave feeling supported, validated and worthy. This is grace to me.

Offering grace to those that have been victims of violence comes a lot more natural to me than offering grace to those that victimize. How can I offer grace and understanding to a person that has strangled, beaten, raped and diminished a persons self-worth so much that they do not believe they have the right to live? How can I offer grace and love to someone that has shot another person? That has hurt a child?

Recently in church, we sung a hymn that had the phrase "love the abused and the abuser" as I began to sang this line I couldn't say "abuser". I struggled with that all day long. How could I not sing those words? Am I so incredibly jaded by the work that I do that I can not offer love, mercy and grace to those that abuse? The answer is yes, at times I feel this is impossible. I do not see how someone that has hurt another person has the right to be loved. How horrible is that? We ALL deserve love and grace. I know this. Of course I know this, I want to be a Pastor!

The truth is no matter how close you are to God you struggle everyday with living and loving like God and this is my current struggle; Offering grace.

Romans 12: 14-19 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" says the Lord.

Bless those who persecute you. Forgive, bless and forgive them. We are taught from the beginning of the Bible that we are made in the image of God. We then make choices, we are raised certain ways and we decide what path to take in life. God gave us freewill but with that comes the ability to also decide if we are going to offer grace and love to those that use that freewill for evil. It is ultimately our choice to make and not an easy one. It takes work every single day to know and understand what grace truly means.

From the beginning of our lives we are given prevenient grace. This is grace given to us without accepting God into our lives, it is simply there b/c we are all children of God.

From there we learn what justified grace means. When we accept Christ into our lives we learn that when we sin we are forgiven. But it doesn't stop there. To fully understand what grace means is to be sanctified in grace. This is when we have changed, transformed and become more aware of our Christian vocation and we become sanctified. We are living and loving like God.

I like to think that I fully understand what sanctifying grace is. That I live and love like God everyday and every minute of my life. But that wouldn't be true. I struggle everyday with how to like and love like God. I am challenged at work and my personal life with people where I question their worthiness. And that is OK. I know it is b/c I know what it is like to receive the grace, mercy and love of God.

I do know that everyone deserves grace and it is an on-going challenge of mine to offer it to all of God's children. I believe through my work at my church and the closer I get to God I will someday fully be able to offer this.

Until then, I pray. I pray for strength to be kind, to show compassion and hopefully offer grace.

Romans 3:22-24

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus"

Happy Birthday Paul (one day late)

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday my dear husband, happy birthday to you!

Yesterday was Paul's 31st birthday. As I sit here writing this I am watching our almost 3 year old son run around the yard, chasing his dogs without a care in the world. Oh what it would be to be a child again and not know yet the pain, struggle and heartache that comes with being an adult.

Paul and I met at a bar in September 2007. Yes, a bar. If you ask my Nani we met at Rose Brooks Center when I was working a late night shift in shelter and Paul brought a woman to live there. As my Nani says "never let a good story get in way of the truth". But no, we met in a bar. Johnny's in Olathe to be exact. From our first date I knew he would be my boyfriend and I quite possibly may want to spend my life with him.

I think in order to build a solid relationship you must endure hard times together. I would never wish struggle on anyone but to work through pain as a couple and to come out stronger creates a really good foundation for your marriage.

In December 2007 my cousin Skyler passed away. He was 19. He was a freshmen at KU. He was smart. He was funny. He was kind. He left this world far too early. The night Skylar died I called Paul and asked him to come straight over after work. We had been together for 2ish months. He came over without changing his uniform and held me while I cried. The next few days were a whirlwind and I don't remember a lot from them. It was months after the funeral that my sister told me what Paul did for her. As the service ended I saw an old friend and ran to her for comfort. My sister was left there next to Paul and began sobbing. Paul picked her head up, put her on his shoulder and let her cry while he held her. When my sister told me this I knew I loved Paul and wanted to spend my life with him.

It is often in our biggest struggles that we find hope. In that moment I had hope for my future and family. That we would not always be sad, that one day we would celebrate love, babies and togetherness.

We were married on Sept. 5th, 2009. It was an amazing day with a harvest moon. We made vows to each other that day before God, our family and friends to always love, honor and cherish each other through good times and bad. I took those vows that day and every day very seriously. They are sacred. Marriage is sacred and something that I feel honored to have found.

Our son, Henry, was born in November 2012. It was then again that through my relationship there was hope. Hope for Henry, for his future and for our family.

A year and a half later my dad died. Again, Paul was my rock. Over the past year and a half he has handled my grief, anxiety and fears with such grace. He understands the value of simply sitting with me in my pain and how to support me in my darkest moments.

When I decided to go into ministry I was a little scared to tell Paul. I had no idea what he would think. We were both raised in church, had religious families and had gone to church together but I had never once indicated to him that this is what I wanted. When I told him he simply smiled and said "Okay, what next" He has stood by me through every step of this journey and for that I am forever grateful.

I believe God puts us in situations in our lives and then we have choices to make. That is where freewill comes in. I could have chosen that night at Johnny's to not say hi but I am so thankful that I did. I am so thankful that I married him, that we created Henry together and that we choose to be married to one another every single day. We have hard days but we mostly have really good days. Paul is my rock, my best friend, my partner, my husband and the only person in this world I could imagine going through this chaotic, joyous and surprising life with.

I pray everyday that Paul and I are given one more together, that we are able to grow old, to celebrate birthdays, weddings and family together. I pray that even in our darkest times we come through it stronger and I know that this is all possible together and with God by our side.

Happy birthday my dear Paul. I love you.

My Call Story

I am about to enter a new phase in my life. I am nervous, terrified, anxious and excited all at the same time. I want to share my journey with people. I want people to know my beliefs, my opinions and hopefully to understand the grace, love and strength that I get through God every single day. To start I want to share my call story. This is why I want to go into ministry, why I have been doing the work I do for the past 8 years and why I am able to get up every single day and "Be Brave" 

I grew up in the United Methodist Church and come from a long line of United Methodist Ministers in several generations. From the time I was a child some of my favorite and most defining moments were at church. I went to Sunday School, Youth Group, and sang in the choirs. I went on trips every summer with the church and attended Senior High Camp for 4 years in a row. The church was very important to me and I am thankful every day that I had those experiences. I never questioned my faith as a child and it was very strong. 

In high school I had the great privilege of attending Senior High Camp at Camp Lakeside. This camp and the people who attended it are still dear to my heart. I grew up there. I made lifelong friends and memories that I will carry with me forever. When I look back on that time, the thing I remember the most is the first time I felt called to ministry. As a child I had always wanted to be a teacher. I would play school with my dolls, write on my white board, make up fake assignments and spend hours "teaching". The summer before my junior year of high school I began to question what type of teacher God wanted me to be. At camp we had reflection time every day. Everyone was to go off on their own and pray, meditate, write in their journal or whatever they felt moved to do. One particular day I was lucky to be the first one to get to the swing by the cross. Camp Lakeside is in western Kansas surrounded by beautiful hills. On one hill looking over the whole camp is a cross. The cross is right behind the chapel and when the sun is just right it is as if you can see God peering in through the windows. On this day I got to sit on the swing. The swing was new this summer and was in the shape of hands, "the hands of God". As I sat there staring at the cross, probably thinking about what was for lunch, I felt something come over me telling me to pay attention. I stared at the cross for what seemed like an eternity and in that moment I felt God telling me to teach, but not in the traditional way I had always thought. I realized in that moment that God wanted me to teach about God. I remember getting up to go eat lunch and not really thinking much about it until later that year when I was given an assignment in English class to write about what we want to do with our lives. I took a huge risk, knowing that I had to read it in front of the class, and wrote about my experience at Camp Lakeside. I shared that I had always wanted to be a teacher and, while sitting in the Hands of God, I realized what type of teacher I wanted to be. 

 As time went on, I didn't think much about that summer. I knew what had happened but I just didn't want to accept what God was telling me to do. I went on to attend Kansas State University. My life changed a lot during those 4 years. My love of church faded and I became very involved in my sorority and very passionate about women's rights. I learned a lot about myself during college and discovered that I wanted to help people- especially women. 

 After college I got a job at Rose Brooks Center, a domestic violence shelter. Rose Brooks Center changed my life. I learned some of the greatest skills a person can acquire while helping people. One of the most valuable skills I learned was how to sit with a person where they are- not to judge, not to give advice but to simply sit. I learned about the injustice in our world and our city. I learned about my skills and abilities to lead a team. I learned so much about myself and I am forever grateful. But along the way the other thing I have learned is that this is not my only life calling. 

I met my husband, Paul, in 2007 and we were married in 2009. Our first child, Henry, was born in the fall of 2012. It was when I became pregnant that I made the decision to become more involved in the church. I realized how important the church was to me growing up and I wanted my children to have the same experiences that I did. I started going every week and eventually joined a Sunday school class. This class has taught me so much about church, the importance of community, God and ministry. I started attending the contemporary service at church and often found myself thinking "I could do what she does. I want to do what she does." I then would laugh at myself and keep going on with my day. 

In 2011 my dad was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma. The reality of what was happening didn't really hit me until winter 2014. He had been in treatment for 3 years and I had always thought it was something that could be maintained and he would just live with it for the rest of his life. I was naive to say the least. In late January 2014 my dad went into the hospital. He came home on Feb. 3rd. The morning of Feb. 5th he had a bad morning. When we called the Dr. to see what to do he suggested we call in Hospice and for the first time my mom asked "How long?” The Dr. said "days". I was broken. I didn't know what to do or think and I certainly hadn't prepared myself for what would happen that day. After we talked to the Dr. my mom and I told my dad what he had said. I remember my dad just saying "Wow". My mom walked out of the room and my dad looked to the sky and said "Please don't make this last long". I knew he was talking to God. He was asking God to take him and to not let us or him suffer any longer. Hospice came at Noon. At that point they said 5-7 days. By the time they left at 6pm we were told 1-2 days. My dad died at 7:45pm. As soon as the yelling and screaming stopped we all stood around him and I said, “Let’s pray”. The words to the Lords Prayers flowed out of my mouth, I shut his eyes and sat there with him until they took him away. I remember at one point, after Pastor Nanette arrived, she said that he was still with us and that his spirit would be with us forever. Those words have stuck with me since then and I truly believe them. 

Over the next few days I had restless nights and couldn’t comprehend what had happened. When I finally slept, I had dreams that I was a Chaplain and I was sitting with people in their pain and while they suffered the loss of a loved one. I thought it was strange but didn't think much of it considering what we had just been through. The next night I had a dream that I was a minister, this time preaching in front of a congregation. I woke up the next morning and started to think about it. At one point during the day I heard "listen to the dreams, Ali". Of course I thought it was just my mind but I started to wonder if it was more than that. I told my mom and sister about the dreams first. I asked them what they thought about me becoming a minister and I just laughed when I said the words out loud. But once I said the words out loud I couldn't stop saying it. I told my husband and he just smiled. The next person I told about my dreams made it feel more real- my grandfather, a retired United Methodist Minister. I told him that I had these dreams and wanted to know what he thought they meant and if I should consider ministry. His next words are what made me realize that I was being called to ministry. He looked at me, smiled and said "I always told your dad to be a minister". There it was. I knew what God was calling me to do and I was ready to see what this meant. 

Over the next few months I did a lot of research- seminary vs. local pastor. I visited St. Paul School of Theology. I have talked with ministers, my grandfather, my family and friends, yet I still continued to wonder if this is the right thing. A few weeks later I was driving with my son and was thinking about my dad. At that very moment a truck pulling a trailer did a 180 in front of us and I knew we were about to get hit. I closed my eyes, pulled to the side of the road and prepared for the impact- except we didn't get hit. The truck stopped 1 inch in front of my car. I started shaking, pulled back on to the highway and drove down the road. In that moment I heard "Now do you believe me?" and to which I replied "Okay, fine, I believe you" I am starting to recognize the power of prayer and the presence of God in everything that I do. 

I now know what I am meant to do and can't wait to start this journey. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~ Philippians 4:6