As I am sure you are all aware, the winter months are not my favorite. Death happens in the winter months for my family. I blogged in January that I was going to embrace winter and not let the fear of death hold me back. Within a month I lost two grandparents. I still have 2 living grandparents and know how lucky I am to have had all four for 31 years. Yet, it is still hard. February is when my dad died, December is when my cousin Skylar died and now January and February will be when I lost my grandparents.
Grief comes at you in moments that you least expect it. My Aunt Becky calls them "grief bursts" and that they are. You can be in the middle of the grocery store and just start crying, in a meeting and realize all of a sudden that the only person you want to talk to isn't there or it can be while rocking your sweet baby to sleep realizing that she will never know her Nana.
On Sunday, our Minister, Nanette, preached on Exodus 33
"See there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by, then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back but my face will not be seen"
I could go in to great detail about what is happening here but essentially God is telling Moses that he is his rock and he will place him in the cleft of the rock to protect him and his people.
Nanette's sermon was beautiful and she talked about our faith being the rock in which we build our foundation. She also preached on who your rock is. Who in your life is the person that comes in through the back door, the one that picks you up when you are grieving and knows exactly what to do to help you without even being asked. Her sermon was beautiful and I sat there thinking about Paul, my mom, my sister and some of my friends. The people that know me, that get me, that literally come in and do what I need done when I feeling the most anxious, when I am grieving and when I just need a person.
That night I dreamt about my dad. Dreams about my dad tend to be sweet and comforting. However, this one wasn't. It was the day of his death but it wasn't how it happened. It was different. The images of this dream have been running through my mind since I woke up yesterday morning. In this dream we begged him not to die. We pleaded with him. He kept asking for us to let him go and we would say no. We would tell him that we needed him and that he was the best person in our lives and that he couldn't leave us. But he kept asking for us to let him go. He said at one point that his parents were there waiting for him and he just needed to die.
I woke up distraught and anxious. The day before, I had listened to Nanette preach about who your rock is, who helps you when you need it the most. I could identify those people in my life yet there is one person that I can no longer put in that category. My dad.
My dad was the rock of our family. He was the one that we all went to for advice. The first person I would call when something big happened. The one I would just call to chat with. I long for those times and hold onto the memories so dearly.
I don't believe that my dream was saying to "let him go". I will never let him go but I think it was telling me that my anxiety, my grief and loss are a part of who I am. However, I can't let them define me. The rock of my faith is what I need to focus on. The people that support me no matter what are who I need to focus on. I have to let go of the fact that I will never see him again unless in my dreams or one day when I join him in eternity.
Many days my anxiety gets the best of me, especially lately. Yet, I believe that God is my rock. That my faith continues to get me through this and that there are people in my life that I can rely on when I just need someone to tell me it is going to be ok.
It is important on this journey of life to have those people and to be able to let go of those ones that are no longer physically present and the people that don't offer you the support that you need. Letting go of my father doesn't mean I won't talk to him everyday, or ask him for help or advice. It just means that I can recognize he is no longer physically here and that I am okay and I have people in my life that will support me and hold me up.
At the end of the dream, I held my father and said "you were the best father in the world. I will always love you" He smiled at me and then I woke up.
My anxiety and grief often get the best of me and probably always will but I know God is my rock and I know I have the people I need to get through it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
My Grandma's Kitchen Table
I have so many memories around my Grandma's kitchen table. Thanksgiving dinners, fried chicken for days, eating Dairy Queen with Grandpa, playing games with my cousins, watching as our parents talked for hours....
A kitchen table is where the heart of the family is and ours was no exception. My parents told me stories of late nights sitting up playing cards around that table and laughing until it hurt. I can remember as a child sitting there while my Grandma was in the kitchen (I swear she lived in there) watching her cook and talking with her.
While some families may say "everything happens around the kitchen table" that was very true in the Leitnaker family. This particular table was my Grandpa's parents and now sits in my sister's house. It's nothing fancy but it holds so many memories. I can only imagine the laughter, tears and memories that have been made around it.
We lost my Grandma today. 4 weeks to the day that my Grandpa passed away. Like many women, my Grandma was the heart of the family. She was what kept us all together for so many years. She taught all of us girls how to cook, sew and be a mom. She taught her sons and grandsons how to treat their wives and daughters. And most importantly she taught us about the love of family.
I have written before about the how strong of a bond our family has and I can honestly say that I give all that credit to her. Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer breaks were all spent at her house. 16 of us would cram into their tiny 3 bedroom home. Somehow we made it work and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.
But the kitchen is where I most remember my Grandma. No matter how hard they struggled she always put dinner on the table. Dinner was the heart of the family and we all knew that. No one could cook like my Grandma. No one could make fried chicken like her.... well except MAYBE her sister, Betsy... but I will let them figure that one out!
Grandma would spend endless hours in the kitchen and she always sampled as she ate. All good cooks know that you don't follow a recipe, you learn from tasting. That is something I learned from her. I can remember her making sure all of us were fed before she ever got a plate and when she did finally eat it was barely anything. She would always say she ate it all while she cooked!
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 10 years ago. I can remember the devastation that came when her sons realized it was time for them to leave their house. My Grandma was the caretaker, she made the meals and took care of Grandpa. And since she wasn't able to anymore it was time for them to move.
That weekend was so hard. My Grandpa sat at the kitchen table most of the day, angry that he had to lose his home. But I honestly believe it was more than that. He had lost his wife to a horrible disease. No longer would they sit around that table and have their family come over. No longer would they enjoy a bowl of ice cream after EACH meal- at least not ice cream that he picked from his deep freeze.
Losing a loved one to Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things I have ever seen. Yet, somehow through it all Grandma remained Grandma. She survived longer than most do and I truly believe that it was so she could continue to be the care taker of my Grandpa and her children. Even if she couldn't do that physically and mentally she was still there as someone that loved them and cared for them.
My Grandpa passed 4 weeks ago and since then Grandma started to decline. I believe that my dad and Grandpa called her home today. She was finally able to let go so that she could take care of them eternally.
My Grandma was an amazing woman. Last night I was able to go see her with my mom and sister. We prayed, sang Amazing Grace and laughed. We knew that she was there. We knew that she was with us. I leaned over to her at one point and said "Just go, just go. Your baby and Grandpa are waiting for you. We are OK."
I believe her journey was beautiful and I believe it was peaceful. And I believe with my whole heart that she is now with my dad, my Grandpa and her sister sitting around the kitchen table eating fried chicken and laughing.
Bless you, Grandma. May you always know how much you taught me about love, life and the importance of a kitchen table.
A kitchen table is where the heart of the family is and ours was no exception. My parents told me stories of late nights sitting up playing cards around that table and laughing until it hurt. I can remember as a child sitting there while my Grandma was in the kitchen (I swear she lived in there) watching her cook and talking with her.
While some families may say "everything happens around the kitchen table" that was very true in the Leitnaker family. This particular table was my Grandpa's parents and now sits in my sister's house. It's nothing fancy but it holds so many memories. I can only imagine the laughter, tears and memories that have been made around it.
We lost my Grandma today. 4 weeks to the day that my Grandpa passed away. Like many women, my Grandma was the heart of the family. She was what kept us all together for so many years. She taught all of us girls how to cook, sew and be a mom. She taught her sons and grandsons how to treat their wives and daughters. And most importantly she taught us about the love of family.
I have written before about the how strong of a bond our family has and I can honestly say that I give all that credit to her. Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer breaks were all spent at her house. 16 of us would cram into their tiny 3 bedroom home. Somehow we made it work and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.
But the kitchen is where I most remember my Grandma. No matter how hard they struggled she always put dinner on the table. Dinner was the heart of the family and we all knew that. No one could cook like my Grandma. No one could make fried chicken like her.... well except MAYBE her sister, Betsy... but I will let them figure that one out!
Grandma would spend endless hours in the kitchen and she always sampled as she ate. All good cooks know that you don't follow a recipe, you learn from tasting. That is something I learned from her. I can remember her making sure all of us were fed before she ever got a plate and when she did finally eat it was barely anything. She would always say she ate it all while she cooked!
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 10 years ago. I can remember the devastation that came when her sons realized it was time for them to leave their house. My Grandma was the caretaker, she made the meals and took care of Grandpa. And since she wasn't able to anymore it was time for them to move.
That weekend was so hard. My Grandpa sat at the kitchen table most of the day, angry that he had to lose his home. But I honestly believe it was more than that. He had lost his wife to a horrible disease. No longer would they sit around that table and have their family come over. No longer would they enjoy a bowl of ice cream after EACH meal- at least not ice cream that he picked from his deep freeze.
Losing a loved one to Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things I have ever seen. Yet, somehow through it all Grandma remained Grandma. She survived longer than most do and I truly believe that it was so she could continue to be the care taker of my Grandpa and her children. Even if she couldn't do that physically and mentally she was still there as someone that loved them and cared for them.
My Grandpa passed 4 weeks ago and since then Grandma started to decline. I believe that my dad and Grandpa called her home today. She was finally able to let go so that she could take care of them eternally.
My Grandma was an amazing woman. Last night I was able to go see her with my mom and sister. We prayed, sang Amazing Grace and laughed. We knew that she was there. We knew that she was with us. I leaned over to her at one point and said "Just go, just go. Your baby and Grandpa are waiting for you. We are OK."
I believe her journey was beautiful and I believe it was peaceful. And I believe with my whole heart that she is now with my dad, my Grandpa and her sister sitting around the kitchen table eating fried chicken and laughing.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all" -Proverbs 31: 28-29
Bless you, Grandma. May you always know how much you taught me about love, life and the importance of a kitchen table.
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