Control to be yourSELF

I have been thinking a lot this morning about the fruit of the Spirit. According to Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"

The last one, self-control, is where I am feeling stuck. In this current political climate, I find myself getting into debates in the wee hours of the night while nursing my child. I speak openly about my views on our President and I am not afraid to quote the Bible or the Law to someone that speaks against me.

In the back of my mind I hear I voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you can't be political" then I hear another voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you HAVE to stand up for people". How do you do one without the other? How do I practice self-control while still being loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, faithful and gentle?

Matthew 25: "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him saying 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the Kind will answer them 'truly, I tell you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me'"

Those words right there say it all for me. We are to feed those that are hungry, welcome people that are not like us, give of our possessions and clothing to those that need it, help people that have lost their way...

So how can I not say something? How can I not respond when people are for cutting healthcare for millions of people? When people are for taking away reproductive rights for women? When people want to lower taxes for the rich instead of putting more money into federal grants to help the poor? When people want to privatize our education system making it impossible for people in poverty to ever have a chance at a good or equal education?

I think I have been reading the word "self-control" wrong. Self-control typically means to hold yourself back, to not engage in conflict, to conform to what society wants you to be. That is not how God made me and that is not what Jesus came to this world to do. Jesus spoke out against Pharisees, he flipped tables in the synagogue, he touched people that were deemed 'unclean', he healed the sick that no one would talk to. He did all of this in order to show the true way of God and the love, mercy and grace offered.

I believe that self-control really means to have CONTROL to be yourSELF- to not conform to what society wants you to be, to speak up when someone is being oppressed and to allow others to be their authentic selves as well. When we all practice true self-control we become complacent and just accept the reality of what is happening. Can you imagine if Jesus had done that? What would our world look like today?

I don't want to live in a world where I have to silence myself. I want to live in a world where I can use my voice for good. I do acknowledge that I have to also practice kindness, love, peace and faithfulness while being myself. That is the hard part but I believe it is possible through the love and support given to me by the Holy Spirit.

Don't be afraid to be yourself and to use the gifts that God has given you. That is truly what we are all called to do in this world.

My Family Has A Song

Our family has a song. And I don't just mean my immediate family, I mean the entire Leitnaker family. "Bright Side of the Road" by Van Morrison has been a staple in our homes my entire life.

I have memories of listening to it in my parents Aerostar van on cassette while my dad played the air sax and sang every word.

At all our weddings the Leitnaker family will invite the new family on to the dance floor to join in our song.

I can remember my dad's 40th birthday party and I was probably supposed to be in bed but instead I was standing at the living room window watching my dad and his brothers dance with their wives to our song.

When my dad passed away the song played as we left the sanctuary. We all clapped and sang as loud as we could.

Then today it played again at my Grandpa's funeral as his family left the sanctuary and said goodbye to the man that made us family.

This song is more than just a song. It is an anthem. It defines who we are as a family and truly says that despite everything and what we go through there is a "Bright Side of the Road"

We honored my grandpa today. We sat in the church that he and my Grandma so loved. We listened to many songs that spoke to who he was as a person and his love for God. We cried, we laughed and we danced to our song.

Over the years, it has become more and more apparent to me how important family is. Especially my family. We are the lucky ones. We have a bond that is incredibly strong. My Grandparents raised their three boys to always put family first. And they raised their children the same way. As we stood in the cemetery today, my cousin Matt put it best "It is because of them that we are this lucky".

We are beyond blessed and our love continues to grow with each new baby that is born and with each person that passes. We know our love is eternal and we know that somewhere in the beyond my dad and Grandpa are dancing on the bright side of the road.

"Into this life we're born
Baby sometimes, sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of an eye

Let's enjoy it while we can (let's enjoy it while we can)
Won't you help me share my load (help me share my load)
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road"

Winter again

It is snowing today. Henry woke up and ran to the window as soon as I told him it snowed. He had such wonder in his eyes. Asking so many questions "Why does it snow?" "Why is it cold" and telling me "Mom, we can't drive on it b/c it isn't safe". I assured him that the snow plows would be out and we would be fine. Today was his first day back to school since Christmas and this mama was making sure he went! 

Off we went. We ventured into the snow. Sliding and skidding down the highway eventually arriving to our destination an hour later. The whole way there, I tried to hide my anxiety of driving in the snow and the overall fear that winter and snow bring to my life. 

I am sitting here wondering at what point does the wonder and magic of snow turn into despair, anger and anxiety for adults? Is is when we start to drive? Is it when it starts to cancel plans we had that we actually wanted to do? Or is it because it reminds us of things that happened in our lives that bring up fear, anxiety and heartache? 

Bad things seem to happen in the winter. At least in my world they do. Skyler died during and ice storm. My dad died during a blizzard. My best friends brother died in mid-January. My sister got in a 5 car pile up in my dad's car due to snow. I got rear ended with Henry in the car in the snow...the list goes on and on. 

Every year around this time the anxiety of what this winter will bring starts to set in. My initial thought is always "Who's next?" What horrible news will I get- it's snowing, that means something bad is going to happen. For many years fear has driven me to stay put. To not go out in this mess, to not answer the phone, to not allow myself to escape from my cocoon of comfort in order to protect myself from the dark and scary world that I have come to know. 

Yet today, I am sitting here angry that I allowed fear to drive me for so many years. As the winter months come, I always try to mentally prepare myself for what it means. Death and sorrow. But why? Death can happen at anytime- there is probably a statistic that says it is more likely in the summer months but in my life it happens in the winter. 

Today I choose to not live in fear.

Today I choose to tell myself over and over and over again that I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Meant to live a life without regret. Meant to live in the present moment and to not look toward what COULD be a dark and scary future. 

Today I will allow myself to enjoy the snow. To embrace the beauty around me and to remember that winter is not just about death and despair. There is beauty and life there too.

That is the reminder that God brings to us when we celebrate Christmas and all the weeks to follow. We are reminded that in the dark there is light. That as people of God we are meant to live life abundantly and without worry and fear. It isn't always easy and of course I continue to worry on a daily basis. But not today. Not about the snow. Not about the unknown and not about what the winter months will bring.

Today I choose to live my life and to embrace the beauty and many blessings in it.