My Mom

Over the weekend my mom had the honor of speaking at a fundraiser for Gilda's Club. Gilda's club is a non-profit across the country that works with people living with cancer. Gilda's also provides support to family and friends that are supporting their loved ones through the terrible disease.

My mom and dad went to Gilda's club every week for a long period of time before my dad passed away. My mom also attended their living with loss support group and found great peace during that time. I found myself needing support after losing my dad and also attended a few one on one sessions with a therapist there.

My point is Gilda's Club KC has been a huge support to my family and my mother was able to share her experience with a room full of people on Saturday night.

I am writing about this today simply to tell you all about the incredible strength that my mother has. Standing in front of a room full of people and talking about the horrible experience and continued grief that comes with losing your spouse takes bravery. Incredible bravery that I admire.

When my dad got sick my mom kept a lot of her pain and fear to herself. I think she did this as a way to protect her children and maybe herself from the reality of what has happening. As a mom myself, I know I would do anything to keep my child from pain, even if that meant bearing it all myself. My mother took on that pain, pain no one should ever have to go through alone.

I simply can not imagine what it is like to lose your husband of 36 years and your best friend. My parents had a relationship that I strive for on a daily basis. They simply loved each other. Watching my mother care for my dad at the end of his life was one of the greatest blessings I have ever had. We thought we had days at the end. Days that turned into hours. I know my mom didn't get to say all the things she wanted to but I truly believe that he hears her say them every single day and he would have been so proud of her on Saturday.

I have learned so much from my mom over the course of my life. She has always been supportive, taught my sister and I how to be strong, brave, independent women and taught us the importance of family. My mom stayed home for the first part of my life. She sacrificed her career to raise her children and I am grateful every day for that. Yet, I am also incredibly grateful for the work that she does now. My mother works for Planned Parenthood and fights for women's reproductive rights every single day. Currently the country is split on their feelings of the organization and it is a bit of a scary place to work. I admire her strength to get up every single day and work insanely long hours so that women can continue to have reproductive freedom. I believe in many ways, Planned Parenthood helped my mom to find her voice and passion. She loves what she does and really believes in it.

I think the bravest thing about my mother is not the fact that she "deals" with her grief in the "appropriate" way but that she is open to being vulnerable and vocal about it. She doesn't hide the fact that she is grieving, nor should she have to. Our society expects you to get over it within about 6 weeks. Seems like enough time, right? When in reality most people will grieve the loss of a loved one for the rest of their life. And that is OK. In fact that is the bravest thing a person can do. To lean into their pain and experience it. Don't shut it out, don't push it down, lean in to. It is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is really the only way to "get through it".

As I wrap this up, I just want to say thank you to my mom. For being an example of pure strength and loving us all even when we are hard to love. You are an amazing woman and I can't imagine my life without you. I know life is not easy but I do believe in the power of God's love, grace and mercy and I do believe that in the end all of this pain and loss will make sense. How? I am not sure, but that is simply what gets me through the day and allows me to have faith and to be brave. All of which I learned from you.

I love you, mama.

Grace

One of the many things I continue to work on every day is my ability to offer grace. It seems easy enough, right? The ability to offer grace to someone that has done wrong is very complex and much harder than you may think. I find myself turning to God for answers and for the ability to acknowledge that we hardly get things right on the first try and everyone deserves grace, forgiveness and a second chance.

In my work at a local domestic violence shelter I am confronted with situations on a day to day basis that are incredibly difficult and I am tasked with making decisions that could change the course of a persons life. I literally have the power to make someone homeless, to make them feel worthless b/c of a decision they made, to make them feel like nothing. I take that power very seriously and try to diminish it as much as possible. What right do I have to this power? What right does anyone have to tell another person how to live? how to act? how to raise their children? The list goes on. I am constantly telling myself "offer grace and understanding". When I get to work and hear what I need to address I make myself take deep breaths and try to understand where the person is at. Trauma survivors, well really everyone, needs to feel worthy of life, to make connections with others and to be offered grace on a daily basis. I never want someone to leave my office feeling smaller than they are, like I abused the power I have or that they are not worthy to live there. Instead, I want someone to come in, talk with me about what is going on and to leave feeling supported, validated and worthy. This is grace to me.

Offering grace to those that have been victims of violence comes a lot more natural to me than offering grace to those that victimize. How can I offer grace and understanding to a person that has strangled, beaten, raped and diminished a persons self-worth so much that they do not believe they have the right to live? How can I offer grace and love to someone that has shot another person? That has hurt a child?

Recently in church, we sung a hymn that had the phrase "love the abused and the abuser" as I began to sang this line I couldn't say "abuser". I struggled with that all day long. How could I not sing those words? Am I so incredibly jaded by the work that I do that I can not offer love, mercy and grace to those that abuse? The answer is yes, at times I feel this is impossible. I do not see how someone that has hurt another person has the right to be loved. How horrible is that? We ALL deserve love and grace. I know this. Of course I know this, I want to be a Pastor!

The truth is no matter how close you are to God you struggle everyday with living and loving like God and this is my current struggle; Offering grace.

Romans 12: 14-19 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" says the Lord.

Bless those who persecute you. Forgive, bless and forgive them. We are taught from the beginning of the Bible that we are made in the image of God. We then make choices, we are raised certain ways and we decide what path to take in life. God gave us freewill but with that comes the ability to also decide if we are going to offer grace and love to those that use that freewill for evil. It is ultimately our choice to make and not an easy one. It takes work every single day to know and understand what grace truly means.

From the beginning of our lives we are given prevenient grace. This is grace given to us without accepting God into our lives, it is simply there b/c we are all children of God.

From there we learn what justified grace means. When we accept Christ into our lives we learn that when we sin we are forgiven. But it doesn't stop there. To fully understand what grace means is to be sanctified in grace. This is when we have changed, transformed and become more aware of our Christian vocation and we become sanctified. We are living and loving like God.

I like to think that I fully understand what sanctifying grace is. That I live and love like God everyday and every minute of my life. But that wouldn't be true. I struggle everyday with how to like and love like God. I am challenged at work and my personal life with people where I question their worthiness. And that is OK. I know it is b/c I know what it is like to receive the grace, mercy and love of God.

I do know that everyone deserves grace and it is an on-going challenge of mine to offer it to all of God's children. I believe through my work at my church and the closer I get to God I will someday fully be able to offer this.

Until then, I pray. I pray for strength to be kind, to show compassion and hopefully offer grace.

Romans 3:22-24

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus"

Happy Birthday Paul (one day late)

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday my dear husband, happy birthday to you!

Yesterday was Paul's 31st birthday. As I sit here writing this I am watching our almost 3 year old son run around the yard, chasing his dogs without a care in the world. Oh what it would be to be a child again and not know yet the pain, struggle and heartache that comes with being an adult.

Paul and I met at a bar in September 2007. Yes, a bar. If you ask my Nani we met at Rose Brooks Center when I was working a late night shift in shelter and Paul brought a woman to live there. As my Nani says "never let a good story get in way of the truth". But no, we met in a bar. Johnny's in Olathe to be exact. From our first date I knew he would be my boyfriend and I quite possibly may want to spend my life with him.

I think in order to build a solid relationship you must endure hard times together. I would never wish struggle on anyone but to work through pain as a couple and to come out stronger creates a really good foundation for your marriage.

In December 2007 my cousin Skyler passed away. He was 19. He was a freshmen at KU. He was smart. He was funny. He was kind. He left this world far too early. The night Skylar died I called Paul and asked him to come straight over after work. We had been together for 2ish months. He came over without changing his uniform and held me while I cried. The next few days were a whirlwind and I don't remember a lot from them. It was months after the funeral that my sister told me what Paul did for her. As the service ended I saw an old friend and ran to her for comfort. My sister was left there next to Paul and began sobbing. Paul picked her head up, put her on his shoulder and let her cry while he held her. When my sister told me this I knew I loved Paul and wanted to spend my life with him.

It is often in our biggest struggles that we find hope. In that moment I had hope for my future and family. That we would not always be sad, that one day we would celebrate love, babies and togetherness.

We were married on Sept. 5th, 2009. It was an amazing day with a harvest moon. We made vows to each other that day before God, our family and friends to always love, honor and cherish each other through good times and bad. I took those vows that day and every day very seriously. They are sacred. Marriage is sacred and something that I feel honored to have found.

Our son, Henry, was born in November 2012. It was then again that through my relationship there was hope. Hope for Henry, for his future and for our family.

A year and a half later my dad died. Again, Paul was my rock. Over the past year and a half he has handled my grief, anxiety and fears with such grace. He understands the value of simply sitting with me in my pain and how to support me in my darkest moments.

When I decided to go into ministry I was a little scared to tell Paul. I had no idea what he would think. We were both raised in church, had religious families and had gone to church together but I had never once indicated to him that this is what I wanted. When I told him he simply smiled and said "Okay, what next" He has stood by me through every step of this journey and for that I am forever grateful.

I believe God puts us in situations in our lives and then we have choices to make. That is where freewill comes in. I could have chosen that night at Johnny's to not say hi but I am so thankful that I did. I am so thankful that I married him, that we created Henry together and that we choose to be married to one another every single day. We have hard days but we mostly have really good days. Paul is my rock, my best friend, my partner, my husband and the only person in this world I could imagine going through this chaotic, joyous and surprising life with.

I pray everyday that Paul and I are given one more together, that we are able to grow old, to celebrate birthdays, weddings and family together. I pray that even in our darkest times we come through it stronger and I know that this is all possible together and with God by our side.

Happy birthday my dear Paul. I love you.

My Call Story

I am about to enter a new phase in my life. I am nervous, terrified, anxious and excited all at the same time. I want to share my journey with people. I want people to know my beliefs, my opinions and hopefully to understand the grace, love and strength that I get through God every single day. To start I want to share my call story. This is why I want to go into ministry, why I have been doing the work I do for the past 8 years and why I am able to get up every single day and "Be Brave" 

I grew up in the United Methodist Church and come from a long line of United Methodist Ministers in several generations. From the time I was a child some of my favorite and most defining moments were at church. I went to Sunday School, Youth Group, and sang in the choirs. I went on trips every summer with the church and attended Senior High Camp for 4 years in a row. The church was very important to me and I am thankful every day that I had those experiences. I never questioned my faith as a child and it was very strong. 

In high school I had the great privilege of attending Senior High Camp at Camp Lakeside. This camp and the people who attended it are still dear to my heart. I grew up there. I made lifelong friends and memories that I will carry with me forever. When I look back on that time, the thing I remember the most is the first time I felt called to ministry. As a child I had always wanted to be a teacher. I would play school with my dolls, write on my white board, make up fake assignments and spend hours "teaching". The summer before my junior year of high school I began to question what type of teacher God wanted me to be. At camp we had reflection time every day. Everyone was to go off on their own and pray, meditate, write in their journal or whatever they felt moved to do. One particular day I was lucky to be the first one to get to the swing by the cross. Camp Lakeside is in western Kansas surrounded by beautiful hills. On one hill looking over the whole camp is a cross. The cross is right behind the chapel and when the sun is just right it is as if you can see God peering in through the windows. On this day I got to sit on the swing. The swing was new this summer and was in the shape of hands, "the hands of God". As I sat there staring at the cross, probably thinking about what was for lunch, I felt something come over me telling me to pay attention. I stared at the cross for what seemed like an eternity and in that moment I felt God telling me to teach, but not in the traditional way I had always thought. I realized in that moment that God wanted me to teach about God. I remember getting up to go eat lunch and not really thinking much about it until later that year when I was given an assignment in English class to write about what we want to do with our lives. I took a huge risk, knowing that I had to read it in front of the class, and wrote about my experience at Camp Lakeside. I shared that I had always wanted to be a teacher and, while sitting in the Hands of God, I realized what type of teacher I wanted to be. 

 As time went on, I didn't think much about that summer. I knew what had happened but I just didn't want to accept what God was telling me to do. I went on to attend Kansas State University. My life changed a lot during those 4 years. My love of church faded and I became very involved in my sorority and very passionate about women's rights. I learned a lot about myself during college and discovered that I wanted to help people- especially women. 

 After college I got a job at Rose Brooks Center, a domestic violence shelter. Rose Brooks Center changed my life. I learned some of the greatest skills a person can acquire while helping people. One of the most valuable skills I learned was how to sit with a person where they are- not to judge, not to give advice but to simply sit. I learned about the injustice in our world and our city. I learned about my skills and abilities to lead a team. I learned so much about myself and I am forever grateful. But along the way the other thing I have learned is that this is not my only life calling. 

I met my husband, Paul, in 2007 and we were married in 2009. Our first child, Henry, was born in the fall of 2012. It was when I became pregnant that I made the decision to become more involved in the church. I realized how important the church was to me growing up and I wanted my children to have the same experiences that I did. I started going every week and eventually joined a Sunday school class. This class has taught me so much about church, the importance of community, God and ministry. I started attending the contemporary service at church and often found myself thinking "I could do what she does. I want to do what she does." I then would laugh at myself and keep going on with my day. 

In 2011 my dad was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma. The reality of what was happening didn't really hit me until winter 2014. He had been in treatment for 3 years and I had always thought it was something that could be maintained and he would just live with it for the rest of his life. I was naive to say the least. In late January 2014 my dad went into the hospital. He came home on Feb. 3rd. The morning of Feb. 5th he had a bad morning. When we called the Dr. to see what to do he suggested we call in Hospice and for the first time my mom asked "How long?” The Dr. said "days". I was broken. I didn't know what to do or think and I certainly hadn't prepared myself for what would happen that day. After we talked to the Dr. my mom and I told my dad what he had said. I remember my dad just saying "Wow". My mom walked out of the room and my dad looked to the sky and said "Please don't make this last long". I knew he was talking to God. He was asking God to take him and to not let us or him suffer any longer. Hospice came at Noon. At that point they said 5-7 days. By the time they left at 6pm we were told 1-2 days. My dad died at 7:45pm. As soon as the yelling and screaming stopped we all stood around him and I said, “Let’s pray”. The words to the Lords Prayers flowed out of my mouth, I shut his eyes and sat there with him until they took him away. I remember at one point, after Pastor Nanette arrived, she said that he was still with us and that his spirit would be with us forever. Those words have stuck with me since then and I truly believe them. 

Over the next few days I had restless nights and couldn’t comprehend what had happened. When I finally slept, I had dreams that I was a Chaplain and I was sitting with people in their pain and while they suffered the loss of a loved one. I thought it was strange but didn't think much of it considering what we had just been through. The next night I had a dream that I was a minister, this time preaching in front of a congregation. I woke up the next morning and started to think about it. At one point during the day I heard "listen to the dreams, Ali". Of course I thought it was just my mind but I started to wonder if it was more than that. I told my mom and sister about the dreams first. I asked them what they thought about me becoming a minister and I just laughed when I said the words out loud. But once I said the words out loud I couldn't stop saying it. I told my husband and he just smiled. The next person I told about my dreams made it feel more real- my grandfather, a retired United Methodist Minister. I told him that I had these dreams and wanted to know what he thought they meant and if I should consider ministry. His next words are what made me realize that I was being called to ministry. He looked at me, smiled and said "I always told your dad to be a minister". There it was. I knew what God was calling me to do and I was ready to see what this meant. 

Over the next few months I did a lot of research- seminary vs. local pastor. I visited St. Paul School of Theology. I have talked with ministers, my grandfather, my family and friends, yet I still continued to wonder if this is the right thing. A few weeks later I was driving with my son and was thinking about my dad. At that very moment a truck pulling a trailer did a 180 in front of us and I knew we were about to get hit. I closed my eyes, pulled to the side of the road and prepared for the impact- except we didn't get hit. The truck stopped 1 inch in front of my car. I started shaking, pulled back on to the highway and drove down the road. In that moment I heard "Now do you believe me?" and to which I replied "Okay, fine, I believe you" I am starting to recognize the power of prayer and the presence of God in everything that I do. 

I now know what I am meant to do and can't wait to start this journey. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~ Philippians 4:6