Winter again

It is snowing today. Henry woke up and ran to the window as soon as I told him it snowed. He had such wonder in his eyes. Asking so many questions "Why does it snow?" "Why is it cold" and telling me "Mom, we can't drive on it b/c it isn't safe". I assured him that the snow plows would be out and we would be fine. Today was his first day back to school since Christmas and this mama was making sure he went! 

Off we went. We ventured into the snow. Sliding and skidding down the highway eventually arriving to our destination an hour later. The whole way there, I tried to hide my anxiety of driving in the snow and the overall fear that winter and snow bring to my life. 

I am sitting here wondering at what point does the wonder and magic of snow turn into despair, anger and anxiety for adults? Is is when we start to drive? Is it when it starts to cancel plans we had that we actually wanted to do? Or is it because it reminds us of things that happened in our lives that bring up fear, anxiety and heartache? 

Bad things seem to happen in the winter. At least in my world they do. Skyler died during and ice storm. My dad died during a blizzard. My best friends brother died in mid-January. My sister got in a 5 car pile up in my dad's car due to snow. I got rear ended with Henry in the car in the snow...the list goes on and on. 

Every year around this time the anxiety of what this winter will bring starts to set in. My initial thought is always "Who's next?" What horrible news will I get- it's snowing, that means something bad is going to happen. For many years fear has driven me to stay put. To not go out in this mess, to not answer the phone, to not allow myself to escape from my cocoon of comfort in order to protect myself from the dark and scary world that I have come to know. 

Yet today, I am sitting here angry that I allowed fear to drive me for so many years. As the winter months come, I always try to mentally prepare myself for what it means. Death and sorrow. But why? Death can happen at anytime- there is probably a statistic that says it is more likely in the summer months but in my life it happens in the winter. 

Today I choose to not live in fear.

Today I choose to tell myself over and over and over again that I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Meant to live a life without regret. Meant to live in the present moment and to not look toward what COULD be a dark and scary future. 

Today I will allow myself to enjoy the snow. To embrace the beauty around me and to remember that winter is not just about death and despair. There is beauty and life there too.

That is the reminder that God brings to us when we celebrate Christmas and all the weeks to follow. We are reminded that in the dark there is light. That as people of God we are meant to live life abundantly and without worry and fear. It isn't always easy and of course I continue to worry on a daily basis. But not today. Not about the snow. Not about the unknown and not about what the winter months will bring.

Today I choose to live my life and to embrace the beauty and many blessings in it.