I was taught from a very young age to not keep my mouth shut. To speak up for myself and to never allow anyone to make me feel small, especially men. I learned this not only from my parents but the women in my family; my Nani and my Aunt Becky are very strong women and I am grateful that I had their influence growing up.
Tuesday I was in the office and Tiffany and Kyle weren't sure what they were going to preach on. I looked at the lectionary and said "It's Jesus walks on water. Preach on fear, God is with you, you know the easy stuff"
My mind immediately flashed to licensing school and the day I was told to be quiet and made to feel as though I was as big as my 1 year old daughter. An Pastor in the church came to talk to us about preaching and the flow of worship. At one point I asked what he does when there is a natural disaster or something big happens in the world- does he change his sermon? Does he preach on it? He said no. That he would mention it in prayer and moved on. I sat on that and wasn't happy with his answer so I asked again "You mean you don't bring it up in your sermon? I am confused since the Methodist church was founded on fighting for social justice and speaking up against things that are not okay" We went back and forth for awhile and he finally said "I am not talking about social justice right now, we are moving on" At that moment I knew I was a woman and I felt as though I was the smallest person in the room. Tears filled my eyes. Matt was sitting next to me and he nudged me under the table and said "It's okay, you're okay"
But I wasn't okay. I was furious. I got up and went outside. I wasn't quiet about it. I was angry. How dare this man make me feel this way. When we got back inside I was asked my a few other people if I was okay and given hugs and told that they agreed with me. We had to write evaluations and mine was not very friendly. But that really isn't the point.
Later in the day a female Elder in the church came to talk to us about prayer. We did a reflective exercise on the scripture where Jesus walks on water. We listened three times and each time we were told to write down what we heard. I wrote with my eyes closed and when I opened them in giant letters I had written
BE BRAVE. YOU ARE NOT TO BE SILENCED. GOD IS WITH YOU.
That is what the scripture said to me. Something I have been told my whole life. Something I knew. Something no one can take from me- my voice, my bravery and my relationship with God.
That scripture now has a very different meaning to me and I would assume I will use this story in future sermons but for today I am writing it as I listen to the song "Raise Hell" and watching my 1 year daughter dance. I will teach her all these things and hope that someday when someone makes her feel the way I did in that moment she uses her voice and doesn't allow that to happen.
It is amazing what God can bring to your life. How God can speak to you when you don't even know you need it. That moment in that room made me feel complete and like me again. Renewed my spirit and drive to be a Pastor. I know I am going to encounter situations like this my whole life, that is the world we live in and every time I do I will close my eyes and picture Jesus walking on water, reaching his hand out to me and saying "Be brave. You are not to be silenced. God is with you and Raise Hell"
"I am gonna raise hell
There's a story no one tells
You gotta raise hell
Go on and ring that bell"
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