Control to be yourSELF

I have been thinking a lot this morning about the fruit of the Spirit. According to Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"

The last one, self-control, is where I am feeling stuck. In this current political climate, I find myself getting into debates in the wee hours of the night while nursing my child. I speak openly about my views on our President and I am not afraid to quote the Bible or the Law to someone that speaks against me.

In the back of my mind I hear I voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you can't be political" then I hear another voice saying "Ali, you want to be a Pastor, you HAVE to stand up for people". How do you do one without the other? How do I practice self-control while still being loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, faithful and gentle?

Matthew 25: "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him saying 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the Kind will answer them 'truly, I tell you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me'"

Those words right there say it all for me. We are to feed those that are hungry, welcome people that are not like us, give of our possessions and clothing to those that need it, help people that have lost their way...

So how can I not say something? How can I not respond when people are for cutting healthcare for millions of people? When people are for taking away reproductive rights for women? When people want to lower taxes for the rich instead of putting more money into federal grants to help the poor? When people want to privatize our education system making it impossible for people in poverty to ever have a chance at a good or equal education?

I think I have been reading the word "self-control" wrong. Self-control typically means to hold yourself back, to not engage in conflict, to conform to what society wants you to be. That is not how God made me and that is not what Jesus came to this world to do. Jesus spoke out against Pharisees, he flipped tables in the synagogue, he touched people that were deemed 'unclean', he healed the sick that no one would talk to. He did all of this in order to show the true way of God and the love, mercy and grace offered.

I believe that self-control really means to have CONTROL to be yourSELF- to not conform to what society wants you to be, to speak up when someone is being oppressed and to allow others to be their authentic selves as well. When we all practice true self-control we become complacent and just accept the reality of what is happening. Can you imagine if Jesus had done that? What would our world look like today?

I don't want to live in a world where I have to silence myself. I want to live in a world where I can use my voice for good. I do acknowledge that I have to also practice kindness, love, peace and faithfulness while being myself. That is the hard part but I believe it is possible through the love and support given to me by the Holy Spirit.

Don't be afraid to be yourself and to use the gifts that God has given you. That is truly what we are all called to do in this world.

My Family Has A Song

Our family has a song. And I don't just mean my immediate family, I mean the entire Leitnaker family. "Bright Side of the Road" by Van Morrison has been a staple in our homes my entire life.

I have memories of listening to it in my parents Aerostar van on cassette while my dad played the air sax and sang every word.

At all our weddings the Leitnaker family will invite the new family on to the dance floor to join in our song.

I can remember my dad's 40th birthday party and I was probably supposed to be in bed but instead I was standing at the living room window watching my dad and his brothers dance with their wives to our song.

When my dad passed away the song played as we left the sanctuary. We all clapped and sang as loud as we could.

Then today it played again at my Grandpa's funeral as his family left the sanctuary and said goodbye to the man that made us family.

This song is more than just a song. It is an anthem. It defines who we are as a family and truly says that despite everything and what we go through there is a "Bright Side of the Road"

We honored my grandpa today. We sat in the church that he and my Grandma so loved. We listened to many songs that spoke to who he was as a person and his love for God. We cried, we laughed and we danced to our song.

Over the years, it has become more and more apparent to me how important family is. Especially my family. We are the lucky ones. We have a bond that is incredibly strong. My Grandparents raised their three boys to always put family first. And they raised their children the same way. As we stood in the cemetery today, my cousin Matt put it best "It is because of them that we are this lucky".

We are beyond blessed and our love continues to grow with each new baby that is born and with each person that passes. We know our love is eternal and we know that somewhere in the beyond my dad and Grandpa are dancing on the bright side of the road.

"Into this life we're born
Baby sometimes, sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of an eye

Let's enjoy it while we can (let's enjoy it while we can)
Won't you help me share my load (help me share my load)
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road"

Winter again

It is snowing today. Henry woke up and ran to the window as soon as I told him it snowed. He had such wonder in his eyes. Asking so many questions "Why does it snow?" "Why is it cold" and telling me "Mom, we can't drive on it b/c it isn't safe". I assured him that the snow plows would be out and we would be fine. Today was his first day back to school since Christmas and this mama was making sure he went! 

Off we went. We ventured into the snow. Sliding and skidding down the highway eventually arriving to our destination an hour later. The whole way there, I tried to hide my anxiety of driving in the snow and the overall fear that winter and snow bring to my life. 

I am sitting here wondering at what point does the wonder and magic of snow turn into despair, anger and anxiety for adults? Is is when we start to drive? Is it when it starts to cancel plans we had that we actually wanted to do? Or is it because it reminds us of things that happened in our lives that bring up fear, anxiety and heartache? 

Bad things seem to happen in the winter. At least in my world they do. Skyler died during and ice storm. My dad died during a blizzard. My best friends brother died in mid-January. My sister got in a 5 car pile up in my dad's car due to snow. I got rear ended with Henry in the car in the snow...the list goes on and on. 

Every year around this time the anxiety of what this winter will bring starts to set in. My initial thought is always "Who's next?" What horrible news will I get- it's snowing, that means something bad is going to happen. For many years fear has driven me to stay put. To not go out in this mess, to not answer the phone, to not allow myself to escape from my cocoon of comfort in order to protect myself from the dark and scary world that I have come to know. 

Yet today, I am sitting here angry that I allowed fear to drive me for so many years. As the winter months come, I always try to mentally prepare myself for what it means. Death and sorrow. But why? Death can happen at anytime- there is probably a statistic that says it is more likely in the summer months but in my life it happens in the winter. 

Today I choose to not live in fear.

Today I choose to tell myself over and over and over again that I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Meant to live a life without regret. Meant to live in the present moment and to not look toward what COULD be a dark and scary future. 

Today I will allow myself to enjoy the snow. To embrace the beauty around me and to remember that winter is not just about death and despair. There is beauty and life there too.

That is the reminder that God brings to us when we celebrate Christmas and all the weeks to follow. We are reminded that in the dark there is light. That as people of God we are meant to live life abundantly and without worry and fear. It isn't always easy and of course I continue to worry on a daily basis. But not today. Not about the snow. Not about the unknown and not about what the winter months will bring.

Today I choose to live my life and to embrace the beauty and many blessings in it.

 

9 years later

Christmas has always been magical for my family. Ever since I was a child my Nani would start sending letters in June asking if we knew when Christmas was and that we better be at her house December 24th for Christmas. Christmas was spent eating a huge curry dinner, singing carols (sometimes even caroling although that was mostly my Dad and Paige singing while the rest of us stood there because we are tone deaf), opening our Christmas pajamas, Nani reading us the Night Before Christmas and us kids being tucked in under the stairs to await Christmas morning. When morning came we would run to the top of the stairs and start singing carols as loud as we could until our parents woke up and told us we could come up. Christmas was about family coming together and celebrating the birth of Christ with one another. Nothing could tear that a part and it was often said that anyone who joined our family better like our Christmas or they wouldn't be allowed in.

Dec. 8th 2007 changed our family forever. I was in my apartment when my mom called. She screamed, literally screamed "Skyler's dead". I fell against my book shelf and began shaking. I was supposed to meet my friends, Sunny and Brandon, for dinner. I called Lacy and asked her to let Sunny know I wouldn't be there because my cousin had died. I got in my car and picked up my sister to head to our parent's house. It was sleeting outside and we were terrified to drive but knew we had to be with family. I remember my dad driving us to Lawrence. I remember getting to Becky and Jeff's and it was just silent. No one was talking. No one knew what to do. Our world and our family had forever been changed.

The next few days were a whirlwind. Brittany had to learn of the death of her brother from the Chaplain at her college, an encounter that will always haunt her. We had to stand by and watch Brittany, Becky and Jeff pretend to be "ok". We went to a visitation, a funeral and a candlelight vigil. We did all this because it was expected and what you were supposed to do. We had Christmas. We had a "normal" Christmas. It was awful. We tried to act like we were okay, like our world hadn't just been shattered. We tried to act like Christmas was going to make things better, we were fools.

The death of my cousin changed us all and forever changed the dynamic of the magical day that we had all loved as children. We went 6 years attempting to celebrate Christmas the way we always had as children. We slept under the stairs, or in the hotel that Nani and Nana got for us. We sang songs at the top of the stairs, Nani read the Christmas story, we had our curry dinner and spent the day as a family. But it was never the same. Christmas was now filled with grief and no matter how hard we tried it was always there.

In 2014 we celebrated Christmas with another family member missing, my dad. He died the Feb. prior and the thought of celebrating Christmas with another person from the family missing created so much anxiety in all of us. That year we rented a huge bed and breakfast. Maybe just maybe if we changed venues no one would know that people were missing... wrong. We knew. The next year Paige and I rocked the family when we asked to split. We both had children and husbands. We both wanted our kids to experience the Christmas of our childhood and at their Nani's. It was a disaster.

Here we are 9 years later. 9 years after our family changed about to celebrate another Christmas. Only this year we are really changing things. For the first time, my Aunt and Uncle are choosing to attempt to enjoy their Christmas. They are going to the ocean, where they find happiness and peace. My family will be at my mom's new house, where we will begin new family traditions with our family and offer hope to our children that the magic of Christmas is still there.

The Christmas of my childhood brought so much joy to my life. I will cherish those memories as I attempt to pass them on to my own children. Loss and grief can change a family forever. It hangs over the days that are supposed to be the happiest and causes an emptiness that is impossible to fill. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to pretend things are the same like we did for all those years. You have to embrace what life throws at you, even when it is the unimaginable. You have to find a way to hold your grief as a part of you. A part of who you are. It is isn't something to run away from because when you do that things will blow up in your face.

Christmas is a time to remember that Jesus was born to save a dark and broken world. Jesus was born to comfort the grieving, offer hope in the darkest of moments and to be present in our lives even when we feel the loneliest.

This Christmas, I hope to offer hope and light to those around me. I hope to show my children that even when things are different and people are gone, we can still be a family and embrace one another for who they are and what they bring to this world.

To my sweet Skyler and loving dad; we miss you. We wish you here were with us this Christmas and all the days after. We wish you were here to see our babies growing and watch as we all find our places in this world. We know you see all of it and that you are in a far better place than we can ever imagine but know this- this Christmas we choose to be happy. This Christmas we choose to embrace our grief and not allow it to hold us back. This Christmas we will continue the traditions that you so loved and go to the places that truly bring us peace and joy. We love you both and miss you more than you can know.

Advent week one: Hope

During Advent our church provides advent "to go" boxes for each child. This year the box contains a card to read each day and an activity to go along with it. The them for this week is hope. Last night we read the Bible passage on the card and talked about stars and how the star as a signal of hope in the scripture. Henry didn't really understand what I was talking about but he did enjoy placing his star in the house to remind him of hope and that he is a bright shining star in this world.

The Christmas season is so busy for most people. Trying to find time to shop, go to parties, wrap presents and plan all of our events for the actual day seems impossible. We go from thing to thing and rarely stop to reflect on what the season on Advent truly is all about. It is also a time where we can keep so busy that we forget about all of the loss and grief this time of year can bring up. The Holidays are hard for so many people, myself included that staying busy is the perfect way to ignore the hardships from the year and the people that are no longer with us.

Hope. Hope is often hard to find. How can we find hope in a world filled with violence, illness, death, racism, conflict and despair? How can we find hope when sometimes all we want is the one thing or person we can't have?

This fall has proven to be a hard one for me. It has also been one filled with immense joy over the birth of my daughter and the opportunity to stay home with my kids. I am lucky that even in my despair and heartache I have the strength and support of my family to get me through difficult times. In August, actually on my birthday, my best friends mom passed away. Scarlett was a beacon of hope and light. She brought laughter, joy and hope to all those that met her. I first met Lacy when I was 14. Her mother was a mother to me. She has been at everything of significance in my life; graduations, wedding, babies... Losing her was hard and brought up a lot of emotion around the death of my own father. Lacy and I are young yet we have both lost a parent. We have both gone through one of the hardest things we will ever go through. How do you find hope in that? How do you find hope in a season that is filled with memories of your loved ones? How do you possibly get through the holidays without them?

Lacy, if you are reading this I don't have the answers. Honestly, Christmas is going to suck. It just is. But somewhere in the midst of all the pain you can find hope. You can look at your daughter and see the joy in her eyes when she opens her presents. You can look at your father and see the delight he gets from her showering her with those gifts. You can look at yourself and see how incredibly strong and brave you are and know that you are not alone in this.

The birth of Jesus brought hope to a broken world. It reminded God's people that they are not alone and that God's love is so strong he sent his only son to bring light to a dark world.

As you go about this week and the weeks to come, remember to find hope. Remember that you are not alone, that God's is always with you and that even in our darkest of moments there is light.

To my nephew; know you are loved.

My sister in law, Kristin, has been reading a children's Bible with her son, Will. Kristin shares with me all of the questions Will has and it amazes me how their young minds work. This morning she said Will had the following questions: Why did God make us? Why does God love us? Why is God, God? These questions are so timely.

I woke up at 230am to feed Tannie and immediately went to my phone to see who won the election. My heart sank. Our country is broken, hurt and searching for ways to fix itself. The decision made was to look at the person that spews hatred, fear and divisiveness. Not the person that brings unity, love and hope. Why? Why when faced with hardships do we attempt to fix things from a place of fear? Why don't we look to God for hope and light? These questions are spinning in my mind and I don't know the answers nor will I probably ever know.

Yet, I keep thinking about Will's questions. Why did God make us? Why does God love us and why is God, God?

Throughout the Old Testament, God attempts to tell his people the way to live. God gives them chance after chance yet they continue to operate from a place of fear and get it wrong. It is not until Jesus comes to spread his radical love that God's people finally see that hope, light and love are the way to live an abundant life filled with hope.

God created us to take care of this world and each other. God created us to spread love and light to those in need. God created us to help people that have less than us, to fight for justice and to spread the Good News of Jesus by simply being kind, compassionate and loving people.

God loves us b/c God's love is infinite. It never stops. Even when we get it wrong. God created us in God's image, as God's people. Being created in the image of God is being created as God's children. God is guiding us, loving us and showing us how to get it right and even when we mess up continues to love us. Much like the love of a parent. We can't give up on each other just because we are scared and broken. We have to come together, figure this out and continue to spread the love of God shown to us through Jesus Christ.

God is God b/c God is God. That is a hard one, young Will. God is the Creator of all. God is in you, God is walking with you every day. God is hope. God is light. God is the feeling of comfort when you are sad, God is what will keep you loved and how you know you are safe even in a world that is broken and hurting.

Our responsibility now is to our children. We have to show them that even in a broken world, there is hope and light. We have to show our daughters that they are valued. We have to show them that despite the fear, hatred and violence they are loved and children of God. They have to know that they are beloved and they have to know that we love them just as God does.

Will- your questions are filled with hope. Your value in this world is infinite. You are strong, you are worthy and you were made as a child of God. May you always ask questions and know that as a child of God you were wonderfully and fearfully made. Bless you sweet boy and bless this broken world.

May we find hope and light in the children that look up to us for answers.

Letting Go of Perfection

Tannie was baptized today. I have been planning this day for over a month. I made sure everyone had it on their calendar, I planned lunch and bought all the food, I talked with Henry about being a part of it, I prayed and reflected about what today was supposed to mean for Tannie and our family and I knew it was going to be just as beautiful as Henry's... I am sure you know where this is going. In case you aren't quite sure here is the after photo...

Today was less than perfect. Henry ran around the church during the baptism making it impossible for me to focus on my sweet baby, family that said they were going to attend and come over for lunch after didn't, the pasta salad I made tasted like glue and had to be thrown out and the only way I could get my child to obey was to continue to threaten the removal of his new batman toy.

After lunch I broke down. I cried. What a disappointment of a day it had turned out to be. All of this planning only to feel let down, frustrated and worn out. Henry's baptism was beautiful. I was able to focus all of my attention on him, all of my family came and ate lunch in celebration with us and Henry was perfection. Dealing with the disappointment of possibly letting my baby down, feeling disappointed by others and not feeling the sacredness of the day is exhausting.

But then something happened. Tannie woke up from her nap. I went in to rock her and she smiled at me. She smiled and every time I kissed her cheek she smiled again. This little baby I was holding in my arms had no idea that today wasn't perfect. She had no idea that I felt overwhelmed, stressed and disappointed. All she knows is that she is loved and today I got to be present while our church family welcomed her, embraced her and let her know that she is a beloved child of God and will always have a safe place within in her church family.

As I sit down to write, I am reminded that perfection is not what a baptism is about. Baptism is about renewal. Renewing our faith in God so that we may show our children God's love through ours. Baptism is about letting go of perfection, embracing the messiness of life and knowing that even when things get hard and are spinning out of control God is present with us, walking with us, holding us and in my case likely laughing at my 3 year old.

I also am restored in my faith knowing that God never disappoints, that God embraces my imperfections and surrounds me with love. This is what I can teach my children. I can show them that through God life is manageable, even when it seems impossible. This is a hard way to live. I don't get it right most days but every once in awhile something happens to remind me of this and today it was my sweet daughter's smile.

Bless you dear baby girl. You are a beloved child of God and bring your family so much joy. May you always know how loved you are.

Even by your crazy big brother!

Family picture redo... Henry only had to be told Batman was mine 6 times bore the smile finally happened!